>> Greg: HAPPY TUESDAY,
AMERICA!
AND I MEAN ALL OF YOU, EXCEPT
FOR FOX & FRIENDS.
HA-HA.
YOU SEE, I WANT MY BATHROBE BACK
AND LUTHER VANDROSS CD’S.
LAST WEEK, THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION FINALLY ADMITTED
THE PRESIDENT WAS BEING A TOTAL
[BLEEP] WHEN HE ACCUSED BORDER
PATROL AGENTS OUT OF WHIPPING
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
THOSE WERE THE ACTUAL WORDS.
TOTAL [BLEEP].
THE HEAD OF THE BORDER PATROL
ANNOUNCING THE RESULTS OF THEIR
ABSURD MONTHS LONG INVESTIGATION
INTO AN INCIDENT THAT BOTH THE
DEMS AND THE MEDIA USE TO
DEMONIZE INNOCENT AGENTS.
>> AFTER AN EXTENSIVE REVIEW,
THE U.S. ATTORNEY ISSUED THEIR
DECISION NOT TO PROSECUTE THE
CASE.
OPR FOUND NO EVIDENCE BORDER
PATROL AGENTS INVOLVED IN THIS
INCIDENT STRUCK ANY PERSON WITH
THEIR RINGS INTENTIONALLY OR
OTHERWISE.
>> Greg: THANK YOU FOR THE
HEADS UP, CHRIS.
BUT WE COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT
ON DAY ONE.
THOSE CLAIMS WERE ALREADY
DEBUNKED BY EVERYONE INCLUDING
THE GUY WHO TOOK THE DAMN
PICTURES.
WHAT A WASTE OF TAXPAYER MONEY,
AND ALL TO COVER THEIR ASSES.
I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU, INSTANT
REPLAY.
THEY USE IT IN SPORTS TO CLEAR
UP A QUESTIONABLE CALL AND THIS
ONE ISN’T ARE WASN’T EVEN
QUESTIONABLE.
EVEN THE MIGRANTS SAY DON’T YOU
DOPES KNOW HOW HORSES WORK?
BUT A SECOND LOOK SHOULD HAVE
CLEARED UP ANY CONFUSION
IMMEDIATELY, LIKE AN NFL REF.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW, THE REIGNS
OF THE OFFICERS NEVER MADE
CONTACT WITH THE ILLEGAL
IMMIGRANTS, THEREFORE, THERE’S
NO UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS CALL.
PLEASE RESET THE CLOCK TO 2016.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OH YEAH.
BUT INSTEAD THE DUMBEST
PRESIDENT IN HISTORY SMEARED
AMERICAN CITIZENS WHO WERE JUST
DOING THE JOB HE REFUSED TO DO
WHILE HE SAT IN A POOL OF HIS
OWN IGNORANCE AMONG OTHER FLUIDS
FLUIDS.
>> TO SEE PEOPLE TREATED LIKE
THEY DID, HORSES BARELY RUNNING
OVER PEOPLE BEING STRAPPED, IT’S
OUTRAGEOUS.
I PROMISE YOU, THOSE PEOPLE WILL
PAY.
>> AS WE ALL KNOW, IT ALSO
EVOKES IMAGES OF SOME OF THE
WORST MOMENTS OF OUR HISTORY
WHERE THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR HAS
BEEN USED AGAINST THE INDIGENOUS
PEOPLE OF OUR COUNTRY, HAS BEEN
USED AGAINST AFRICAN-AMERICANS
DURING TIMES OF SLAVERY.
>> IT’S A HORRIFYING IMAGES THAT
DO NOT REFLECT WHO WE ARE, WHO
WE ASPIRE TO BE OR THE INTEGRITY
AND VALUES OF OUR TRULY HEROIC
PERSONNEL IN THE DEPARTMENT OF
HOMELAND SECURITY.
>> THE HORRIFIC VIDEO OF THE CVP
OFFICERS ON HORSES USING BRUTAL
AND INAPPROPRIATE MEASURES
AGAINST INNOCENT PEOPLE. >> Greg: ONCE AGAIN, ALL OF
>> Greg: ONCE AGAIN, ALL OF
THESE [BLEEP] ARE WRONG.
BUT MORE IMPORTANT, NONE OF THEM
APOLOGIZED OR EVEN OWNED UP TO
IT.
OF COURSE, KAMALA STILL HASN’T
APOLOGIZED FOR HER TWEET
DEFENDING JUSTICE MOLLET.
THEY’RE JUST GOING TO ASSUME
YOU’RE TOO DISTRACTED, PANICKING
YOU WITH THE LATEST MONKEYPOX
BABOONAROIDS OR CHIMPAZEMA.
SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD DRINK.
THEY THINK THEY WON’T BE HELD
ACCOUNT ARE ACCOUNTABLE.
SAD THING IS, THEY’RE -- THEY
WON’T BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE.
SAD THING IS THEY’RE RIDE RIGHT.
THEY DESERVE NO MERCY TONIGHT.
HERE IS WHY.
JOE BIDEN PUBLICLY CONDEMNED AN
AMERICAN WITH NO DUE PROCESS,
SOMETHING NO PRESIDENT SHOULD
EVER DO.
CAMERA COMPARED BORDER PATROL
AGENTS TO SLAVE OWNERS.
HOW IS THAT NOT HATE SPEECH?
HOW DOES THAT NOT PUT A TARGET
ON THEIR BACKS?
SORRY, LADY, IF THERE’S ANYONE
WITH A LINK TO SLAVE OWNERS,
IT’S SOMEONE NAMED KAMALA,
HARASS.
I’M JUST QUOTING HER DAD,
PROFESSOR DONALD HARRIS WHO
WROTE, "MY ROOTS GO BACK WITHIN
MY LIFETIME TO PATERNAL
GRANDMOTHER MISS CRISSY,
DESCENDANT OF HAMILTON BROWN ON
RECORD AS PLANTATION AND SLAVE
OWNER OF BROWNSTOWN, A TOWN IN
JAMAICA.
WHO KNOWS IF THAT’S TRUE,
REALLY?
BUT IF IT IS, THAT’LL MAKE
KAMALA THE FIRST V.P. TO OWE
REPARATIONS TO HERSELF.
SHE COULD SPEND THE MONEY ON A
PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS.
OF COURSE, ALEJANDRO MAYORKAS IS
AN INCOMPETENT CLOWN.
THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD BE
ASSEMBLING CHRISTMAS TOYS IN THE NORTH POLE BEING IN CHARGE OF
NORTH POLE BEING IN CHARGE OF
IMMIGRATION.
EVERY TIME I SEE HIM, I WANT TO
PULL HIS EARS LIKE THAT WEIRD
RUBBER DOLL.
THAT DOLL HAS A NAME CALLED
PANICKED PETE.
MEANWHILE, FOUR AGENTS ARE STILL
TO BE PUNISHED FOR USING BAD
LANGUAGE AND UNNECESSARY FORCE,
SOMETHING I’M SURE HUNTER DOES
EVERY TIME HE’S WITH A HOOKER.
THESE GUYS ARE BORDER PATROL
AGENTS DOING THE BRUTAL JOB.
THEY’RE NOT TEACHERS IN A
FINISHING SCHOOL IN SWITZERLAND.
WE SEE THE MEDIA AND DEMS’ TRUE
COLORS.
NO MATTER THE CRISIS, THEY ONLY
CARE WHEN THEY COULD FIND AN
AMERICAN VILLAIN.
50+ MIGRANTS STACKED IN THE BACK
OF A TRUCK.
BIG DEAL, THEY SAY.
IF THAT HAPPENED UNDER TRUMP’S
WATCH, THE MEDIA WOULD HAVE HAD
HIM PEGGED AS THE DRIVER.
BIDEN WON’T SAY, "I’M SORRY.
I WILL MAKE THOSE PEOPLE
PAVEMENT" THANK GOD WE HAVE A
DOCTOR NEARBY.
>> DIVERSITY OF THIS COMMUNITY
AS DISTINCT AS THE BOGODAS OF
THE BRONX AND AS BEAUTIFUL AS
THE BLOSSOMS OF MIAMI AND AS UNIQUE AS THE BREAKFAST TACOS
UNIQUE AS THE BREAKFAST TACOS
HERE IN SAN ANTONIO.
>> Greg: LOOKS LIKE JOE IS
RUBBING OFF DROUGHT AND NOT IN
THE USUAL -- OFF ON THE DOCTOR,
AND NOT IN A USUAL WAY.
YOU THINK A REAL LIFE DOCTOR
COULD KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN PEOPLE AND INMATNANT
THINGS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF DR. JILL’S
COMMENTS, JOE?
>> HEY, HEY, HEY, LOOK.
LEAVE MY WIFE ALONE.
SHE’S A DOCTOR, ALL RIGHT?
SHE’LL GET YA.
LOOK, SHE’S RIGHT.
I’VE BEEN TO THOSE BOGADAS.
THEY’RE FULL OF BREAKFAST TACOS.
JILL GOT THAT FROM ME.
THAT’S MY NICKNAME FOR THE
HISPANIC PEOPLE.
I SAY, COME HERE, MY LITTLE
BREAKFAST TACO, LET ME TAKE A
WHIFF OF YOU.
OH, I’VE GOT SOUR CREAM ON MY
NOSE.
THEY LIKE IT.
YOU KNOW, ALL OF THE MINORITIES
LIKE ME.
I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE.
THE LATINX PEOPLE, THE MALCOLM X
PEOPLE, THEY ALL LIKE ME.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: IT’S GOOD.
IT’S GOOD TO LAUGH BUT THE
TREATMENT OF THOSE AGENTS ISN’T
FUNNY AT ALL.
IT’S POSITIVELY ORWELLIAN.
WE’RE LIVING IN 1984 AND NO
WONDER, JOE LOVES THAT YEAR,
IT’S WHEN HE TURNED 60.
NOW, THE AGENTS COULD BE
SUSPENDED FOR 14 DAYS.
SO YOU WANT TO STILL BEAT
SOCIETY?
HOW ABOUT ONE THAT SAYS YOU’RE
INNOCENT OF A CRIME BUT WE’RE
GOING TO PUNISH YOU ANY WAY.
THIS IS AMERICA, NOT A PORN
FLICK.
IT’S LIKE THAT OLD LINE FROM THE
HEAD OF STALIN’S SECRET POLICE,
SHOW ME THE MAN AND I’LL SHOW
YOU THE CRIME.
I DO THAT WITH THIS GUY, BUT
WE’D BE HERE UNTIL 20 40.
40 -- UNTIL
2040.
THIS IS HAPPENING BEFORE YOUR
EYES.
THEY DON’T HAVE TO HIDE IT
BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE TO.
NOT WITH TODAY’S EMMASSCLATED
MEDIA.
IF WE HAD A REAL PRESS, THIS
WOULDN’T HAPPEN.
REAL JOURNALISTS KNOW THOSE WERE
REIGNS WITH HORSES AND NOT
WHIPS.
ANYONE SAYING OTHERWISE IS A
HORSE’S ASS.
SHE’S SO BRAINY, ZOMBIES STALK
HER, "NEW YORK POST" PHYSICIST
REPORTER LYDIA MOYNIHAN.
YOU CAN’T PUT HIM IN A BOX,
UNLIKE MOST OF HIS BELONGINGS.
ACTOR/WRITER/DIVORCED COMEDIAN,
JAMIE.
WELL, SHE’LL STEAL YOUR HEART
AND THEN YOUR WALLET, FOX NEWS
CONTRIBUTOR KAT TIMPF.
GOOD LUCK THROWING HIM UNDER THE
BUS, MY MASSIVE SIDEKICK AND THE
NWA WORLD TELEVISION CHAMPION
TYRUS.
[APPLAUSE]
WHY DIDN’T JILL, TYRUS -- GOOD
TO SEE YOU, BY THE WAY, AND I
LOVE THE HAT.
>> MAN OF A LOT OF HATS AROUND
HERE.
WITH THE HOOD, CHANGING IT UP.
>> Greg: REALLY NICE HAT.
>> THANK YOU.
YOU CAN’T HAVE IT.
IT’S TOO BIG FOR YOU IT WOULD BE
A BOAT FOR YOU.
>> Greg: I COULD TURN IT
UPSIDE DOWN AND GO SNOWBOARDING.
>> OR BOATING BEFORE YOU WENT
THERE BUT THAT WAS COOL, YOU
WERE HOT.
>> Greg: I DIDN’T HEAR IT.
BOGADAS.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO A BOGADA?
>> NO.
BUT I’VE BEEN TO SPEECHES WITH
OUT-OF-TOUCH OLD WHITE WOMEN
BEFORE.
THIS IS THE RESULT -- I’LL TAKE
A BIT OF A HEAT OFF OF THE
ADMINISTRATION.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU
DON’T HAVE A GOOD TRANSITION OF
POWER.
I THINK WHAT HAPPENED WAS IS
LIKE I THINK THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION PLAYED SOME
PRANKS ON HIM.
I THINK THEY TOOK ALL OF THE
CORDS FOR THE XEROX MACHINES AND
LEFT WITH THEM SO NOBODY READS
ANYTHING.
THEY ALL JUST WING T AND THIS IS
-- WING IT, AND THIS ENTIRE
ADMINISTRATION HAS BEEN WINGING
IT.
THEY DON’T KNOW WHAT REALLY
HAPPENED AT THE BORDER BECAUSE
NO ONE WATCHED THE VIDEO.
THEY JUST TOLD EACH OTHER ABOUT
IT SO WHENEVER THEY TALK, THEY
DON’T KNOW THE TRUTH, THEY JUST
-- AND THEN BIDEN GETS UP THERE
AND BLESS HIS LITTLE HEART, HE
COULDN’T EVEN GET HORSES OUT.
HE’S LIKE, YOU’RE GOING TO RIDE
THIS -- STUTTERING -- COURT --
MR. ED.
GREAT SHOW.
LOVE IT LITERALLY, BECAUSE
NOBODY -- BECAUSE THE
ADMINISTRATION TOOK THE CORDS,
AND I THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE
PLAYED THE REST OF HER SPEECH,
BECAUSE IT WASN’T -- SHE JUST
DIDN’T CALL LATIN AMERICANS
BREAKFAST TACOS.
SHE KEPT GOING.
SHE WAS LIKE, AND ALL OF MY
AFRICAN-AMERICAN RIBS AND MY
WHITE BAGS OF OATMEAL.
WE’RE ALL FAVORITE, FATTENING
FOOD.
NONE OF US ARE ANYTHING
EXCITING.
NONE OF US GOT TO BE CELERY OR
SOMETHING HEALTHY.
WE WERE ALL --
>> Greg: WHAT WOULD I BE IF I
WERE A FOOD?
>> YOU’D BE A POMEGRANATE.
>> Greg: WHY?
>> IT’S LITTLE AND TINY AND AS
SOON AS IT GETS CLOSE TO YOUR
MOUTH, YOU WANT TO SPIT IT OUT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Greg: THAT WAS PRETTY
QUICK.
PRETTY QUICK.
>> I WEAR A LOT OF HATS.
>> Greg: YOU DO WEAR A LOT OF
HATS.
YOU KNOW, JAMIE, IT’S GOOD TO
SEE YOU.
YOU LOOK FIT.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.
SO WEIRD TYRUS SAID THAT.
AN EGG ROLL CUT ME OFF ON THE WAY HERE.
WAY HERE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Greg: HE DESERVES IT.
>> HE DESERVES IT.
>> Greg: HE DESERVES IT.
>> HOW DID YOU GET DIVORCED
AGAIN?
[LAUGHTER]
>> THIS IS FUN, RIGHT?
THIS IS A REALLY FUN SPEECH BY
JILL BIDEN.
WHO ARE THEIR SPEECHWRITERS?
EACH OTHER?
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
IS IT TRUE -- DO YOU THINK SHE
MISPRONOUNCED IT BECAUSE OF
BEING OUT OF TOUCH?
IS IT BECAUSE THINGS ARE
DELIVERED?
I WISHED SHE HAD GONE ON AND ON
NOW.
OH, WE WENT TO THE BOGADA.
THEN WE WENT HOME AND JOE --
[SLURRED HIS SPEECH]
AND I DID THE --
[INDISCERNIBLE]
I DON’T THINK THEY DO REGULAR
PEOPLE STUFF THEM DON’T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
HOW WEIRD IS IT THEY JUST
PRETENDED THE VIDEO WAS
DIFFERENT FROM WHAT IT WAS?
WE COULD SEE -- I ALWAYS FEED
BAD WHEN A SEE A POLICEMAN ON A
HORSE.
I ALWAYS WONDERED DID YOU DO
SOMETHING WRONG?
IF YOU’RE A REALLY GOOD COP,
THEY GO, HERE IS A CAR AND A
GUN.
IF YOU’RE NOT THAT GOOD, THEY
SAY, HERE IS A HORSE AND A WHIP.
IF YOU REALLY SUCKED, THEY’RE
LIKE HERE IS A BICYCLE AND A
FLASHLIGHT, OK?
PUT ALL OF YOUR STUFF IN THE
BASKET.
>> Greg: I WOULD TAKE THE DESK
JOB OVER THE HORSE JOB IN A
SECOND BECAUSE DESK DOESN’T DROP
THE BIG LOAD OF [BLEEP].
>> YEAH.
>> YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO MAKE
ANY JOKES ABOUT THAT, GUTFELD .
>> Greg: THEY DIDN’T CATCH ME.
THERE’S AN ALARM SYSTEM ABOUT
POOP JOKES NOW.
I’M RIGHT UNDER THE RADAR.
LYDIA, YOU ARE A REPORTER.
LET’S START WITH THAT.
>> I LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS
THAT, RIGHT?
>> Greg: IN YOUR LINE OF
BUSINESS, YOU WOULD ISSUE A
CORRECTION.
WHY CAN’T THESE PEOPLE ADMIT
THEY WERE WRONG AND ISSUE THEIR
OWN HUMANITARIAN CORRECTION IF
YOU WILL?
>> HAVE THEY EVER ADMITTED THEY
WERE WRONG?
THIS IS PEAK 2022 THAT SOMEONE
IS CANCELED NOT FOR SOMETHING
THAT THEY DID BUT FOR SOMETHING
THAT FIT SOMEONE ELSE’S AGENDA.
I THINK IT’S PRETTY CLEAR THE
AGENDA IS THAT JOE BIDEN IS NOT
DOING WELL WITH THE STANDING
VOTERS.
HE THOUGHT THIS WAS A PERFECT
SITUATION TO FRAME HIMSELF AS A
SAVIOR AND THE FACTS DIDN’T LINE
UP, BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT WAS THEN
AND THIS IS NOW AND WE’VE MOVED
ON I THINK MY FAVORITE THING
FROM THIS WHOLE SAGA, THOUGH IS
THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR
HISPANIC JOURNALIST ISSUED A
STATEMENT CONDEMNING JILL
BIDEN’S REMARKS AND THEY ENDED
IT WITH WE’RE NOT TACOS.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
WE ARE NOT TACOS.
>> Greg: KAT, WHAT IF I
IDENTIFY AS A TACO?
>> YOU PROBABLY WILL.
>> Greg: I WILL.
I HAVE A HARD SHELL.
BUT INSIDE, THERE’S SO MANY
SPICY INGREDIENTS.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Greg: A LOT OF BEEF.
>> ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
NO, THAT LITTLE BOGADA
BOGADA/BLOSSOM/BREAKFAST TACO
MASHUPS IS THE DERANGEST OF
ATTEMPTS I’VE HEARD.
IF I WERE 50 YEARS YOUNGER --
WELL, YOU’RE NOT.
YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T TYPE
THOSE NEXT SET OF PARAGRAPHS BUT
-- DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW YOU’RE ON
HERE?
BUT IT ALSO PROVES THAT IN
REALITY THE BIDENS ARE NOT AS
WOKE AS THEY PRETEND THAT THEY
ARE, AND THEY JUST LATCH ONTO
CERTAIN BUZZ WORDS.
THEY WERE LIKE, OH, THIS IS
CALLED LATINX INCLUSION BUT
THERE’S AN X SO I’M GOING TO GO
SAY I LOVE ALL OF MY TACOS.
IF THEY ACTUALLY WERE PAYING
ATTENTION TO THESE THINGS AND
NOT LISTENING TO WHAT OTHER
PEOPLE ARE TELLING THEM TO AND A
DO THEN THERE WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN
THIS VERY STRANGE, I DON’T KNOW,
ERROR.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE
TRYING TO DO SO I WILL JUST SAY
STRANGE THING.
>> Greg: I DO THINK THAT
ANYTIME YOU TRY TO COW PLOW
THROUGH DIVERSITY, IT’S
EMBARRASSING BECAUSE YOU’RE
ACTUALLY DOING THE EXACT
OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU’RE TRYING
TO DO.
YES, I SEE YOUR DIFFERENCE.
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT,
OH, I GET IT!
YOU’RE DIFFERENT.
THAT’S WHY IT DOESN’T WORK.
IT MAKES EVERYBODY
UNCOMFORTABLE.
ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE TO MOVE ON UP