you know globally we're more socially
connected than ever before you know
Facebook will let you know about two
billion of us are connected on there you
know I love that 1463 of them and my
friends actually a lie I lied you know
what my a guy got the better of me I
went on yesterday 1472 yes I'm pumped
about that
but you got to ask yourself how many of
these are actually true connections you
know some of them are in some of them
aren't let's be honest right
I reckon at least 80% of them may not be
if you're in the room and you're on my
facebook friend you are my friend okay
so want you though that it's really
important how get that out there but the
thing is what I do is I truly crave true
connection and that's why I love my
Monday mornings my Monday mornings is
when I get to have a true wholesome
connection and that wholesome connection
is with my mum it's basically ringer
every Monday morning it's our routine
and I love my mum she's 69 years old
she's got this beautiful silver hair
with a big beaming loving smile and a
thick Hungarian accent so you know I'm
gonna actually share one of my phone
calls what it is like with my mum on a
Monday morning and it goes a little bit
like this it goes ring ring hello mum
hello my darling boy how are you I'm
good thanks mum what do you been up to
and then like the position of a Swiss
clock at a minute and 38 seconds it's
like we've pulled out the script to the
movie of the Titanic and we'd read from
it mum I've got to ask you how's your
health going you know son I'm okay it's
not too bad the iceberg come on mum I
was over the other day I was watching
your walk you're having and puffing
you're not doing too well son why'd you
do this all the time you know I am okay
I don't need this and we agree to
disagree beautifully like Hungarian
mother and son do my mum's very very
independent and she's quite proud of her
health and she holds on to it and what I
do is I actually hunger and linger for
the end of these converse
station but not in the way that you
think I actually yearn for the end of
this conversation like a newborn infant
gasping for its first breath of oxygen
to give it life and I wait and I wait
okay son I have to go now
I love you thanks mom I love you too now
getting off that phone call I actually
should be really happy I should feel
like I've got a hole that I love in my
heart but I don't actually feel really
empty and I'm really angry and on bitter
not up mum but at me and the thing that
I struggle with the most is that I won't
tell my mom that I love her first I wait
like this entitled child that she's
going to tell me that she has to tell me
that I love her and this has been
plaguing me for the last three years why
won't I tell my mother that I love her
first I mean like as a child I did it
all the time this was not a problem I
told my mom I love her all the time told
her when I was in pain that's quite easy
to do but as an adult something changed
and I don't know what that is
now ironically and embarrassingly I've
got a degree in psychology I'm an ex
mental health counselor and my day to
day job just to put the cherry on the
top is I'm a coach now and I specialize
in how to help people connect to
themselves so they can connect to others
better so ladies and gentlemen I should
actually know this better than anybody
I'd how to connect with my mum but I
won't connect with my mum and tell her
that I love her first and I'll introduce
you to what happens in my day to day
life and this is something I had
experienced when it taught when we're
talking about emotions and opening up
and being vulnerable and having trust
it's in general when I have female
clients in front of me my god that's fun
new girls
all's I does have to ask how does that
make you feel or have you felt that
before
and it's like New Year's Eve all over
against like an F fireworks of emotions
ago well I love this I love that lover
and hey what she does to me I'm going to
do this and then it comes back up again
guys but this is so joyful and this
makes me say B but if this person does
this again I'm going to absolutely do
something there and I get front-row
seats to this every time I love it it's
quite good on the other hand gentlemen
no gentleman
Oh gentlemen do you know what this is
something for the ladies out there if
you ever want to produce that
spine-tingling cold sweat sensation for
a male the one that you get was you know
when you've got to go see your account
to do your taxes that kind of cold sweat
such an easy thing you've just got to
ask them this one question how does that
make you feel that will silence a man
straight away my experience here what
I've had when asked John I got how do
you feel about that and they always say
well the way I'm thinking about it right
now is ago no no no no no no we're not
playing the thinking game I get the
thinking game the thinking game is we've
got a problem then we get a solution we
work it out I don't know how you feel
and it's followed by silence but you
know what it's not uncommon in what
myself included that when when talking
about emotions about talking about
vulnerability and Trust and things like
this we tend to clam up and although a
lot of men actually experiences it
doesn't make it okay it's actually the
opposite because it has detrimental
effects now in the research of
psychology is proven time and time again
with men not opening up is actually got
that the levels of depression have gone
up divorces are gone through the roof
but the most alarming thing that we have
for males here by not opening up is that
for every three out of four suicides and
males now this for some of you you know
this common knowledge for some of you
for others you think this is going to be
pretty new to you but it's quite sad and
it doesn't have to happen and there's a
lot of correlations that we're not
opening up and that's one of the reasons
why so you know this this is not a new
problem though back in 1935 during the
Great Depression
there were times where people going
through mental health illnesses
especially along those ages and there
was an organization that got born from
this where men was struggling and they
were suppressing their emotional
outbursts and their their right to be a
man and when they couldn't be a right to
be man they suppress it with alcohol and
what actually happened was there was the
birth of Alcoholics Anonymous now which
is a great story in itself if you're not
too sure one gentleman bill Wilson comes
along a chronic alcoholic and he is
struggling with alcoholism he's tried to
commit suicide four or five times and
he's about to go to a pub and as he
walks past this pub there's he's
steeping a voice that calls out to me he
goes no more and he jumps across the
road he goes to a phone booth to be
honest I didn't know they phone booths
in 1935 but apparently that's what he
did
he gets on there any rings a church and
when he rings the church he says to the
priest guys put me in touch with
somebody who can help me out with my
alcoholism sure enough they put him on
to a doctor and they sit down and chat
now ironically that the weird thing is
they're both alcoholics cells the doctor
yeah a true story it's Alcoholics
Anonymous actually came about two guys
with a common problem and what they did
was they actually sat down I had a
meeting and they started to have
unpacked why they were drinking so much
what were they suppressing cut a long
story short what they were what that was
suppressing was that they didn't feel
man enough in 1935 because our losing
jobs they couldn't support their
families they couldn't be the fathers
that they wanted to be so what they did
they hit it with alcohol but the most
amazing thing is is when these two
gentlemen got together they spoke for
four hours and they spoke from their
heart and they spoke about things that
mattered through them not once did they
want a sip of alcohol just by having
that one connection that's how
Alcoholics Anonymous was born but in
saying I'm really proud to be a mental
health practitioner because these days
we hear a lot of men's mental health
groups around which is fantastic so all
these give yourselves a round of
applause I think that's fantastic
and I've got a salmon I'm gonna share a
young man's journey um a really good
friend of mine who names Faden you know
how you're not supposed to name names
but I will today's names Faden he's 27
years old now he's a lovely young man
got married at the age of 20 and his
life was going really really well for me
and he had a passion for motorbikes and
he's so passionate about boater bikes
he loves building him braking and fixing
him riding him and not in that order
just as long as on there he's happy eyes
and that's his passion but what happened
at the age of 25 he actually experienced
his first anxiety attack and it was
crippling
and unfortunately he actually held on to
this crippling anxiety for 12 months it
came back in bouts and it got worse and
worse and worse and for a young man at
the age of 25 he had thoughts of suicide
going through his head and he's never
had thoughts of suicide enter his head
ever before so he couldn't explain
without coming from sadly though he
thought he wouldn't share it with
anybody because he was scared of how he
was going to be perceived by society by
his mates by his wife he thought he was
being weak by admitting that he had
something called anxiety fortunately or
unfortunately fade and hit breaking
point and breaking point meant he had
one or two things he had to come out and
communicate to somebody or the other one
was actually take option B and I'm so
glad he took option a with the help of
his wife he started talking about his
anxiety what was happening what was
building up for him
he went and saw a therapist and he felt
the healing and the connection of
actually talking about what was deep
down inside of me his deepest darkest
fears and he was able to talk about that
so fade in in his wisdom he's feeling
better what else does a guy who likes
riding motorbikes - yeah bunch of mates
then you go riding my advice thank you
and what happened was he actually valued
this whole thing about sharing about
holding a group and talking about stuff
that Matty mean so as the boys are
riding they're going out for a ride and
they go they've got this thing it's a
great thing their motto is this they
actually just start riding but they
don't know their destination okay let's
just go get lost for a little while
right and we
now motorbikes will be so cool Faden
gets off his bike they're getting petrol
and he starts to open up to the rest of
the guys we can see how valuable this I
guess guys I had an anxiety attack I
struggled from with 12 months I had
thoughts of suicide and now I started
sharing I feel better about it
the amazing thing that happened is
transformation happened between these
mates they all started to open up and
they go you know I'm struggling in my
marriage I'm struggling at work they
didn't have the words on how to
articulate it correctly about how they
felt emotionally they normally just said
I feel crap and I don't know what to do
but the four of them looked at each
other and go you know what we've got
something here this is really really
powerful why don't we just start our own
men's mental health group now faden's
telling me this story non-thinking oh
this is fantastic this is really
touching and he goes he goes mate you
guys we'd like you to join and I thought
thank God because this is something I've
been looking for because I still won't
tell my mom that I love her first then
Faden said the worst thing to me 30
seconds later hey guys can you come
onboard as a mentor now what I did with
my emotional sense I just kicked that
outside ego got in go yes I will be the
fix-it guy I will just I don't have
problems these guys have problems I'm
loving it already yes sign me up as
mentor let's go and I do and I'm hearing
these amazing stories I'm hearing I've
got many the way that we will
communicate first I'd open up workshops
and they were just open forums and the
gentleman would stand up and says he
starts crying and he goes I don't feel
like I'm a man anymore
because my wife and I are trying to
conceive and have a child and we're
having proms now and I feel like it's my
fault but I don't know how to express
that I've got father's coming up to me
saying you know what I've got two young
boys and a daughter I don't feel like
I'm met and then enough I don't know how
to show love to my children I think I'm
a bad role model this is killing me I've
got men that been married for 20 years
and saying our marriage is on the rocks
I know it's going sour but I know I
don't want to leave my wife and I
haven't told her that I love her in 10
years I got that guy so life goes on and
I've got to be honest I was looking for
a connection in the group and to be
honest with you I didn't have one and I
created that connection like that
disconnection myself because what
happened what I found out was like if
I'm the fix-it guy if I'm the solution
guy and they're the problem guy I've
created a divide straightaway I felt so
disconnected in a group I was hoping to
find connection with myself and I didn't
but you know what ladies and gentlemen
sometimes just sometimes you got to be
careful for what you wish for
so my life goes to crap I hit rock
bottom I am burnt out business-wise
relationship wise I just get my heart
smashed in a million pieces
but worst thing ever is the relationship
between my father fizzles and it goes
out my dad's my rock I love my dad I
still do today but we had a really
really hard time and then I was at such
rock-bottom I didn't know what to do and
I was angry with myself because I
couldn't fix this for myself and I'm
thinking around I'm looking around I'm
looking around again these motorbike
guys the mental help men's health group
they bloody better work is all I'm
saying
now there's two ways that we share
information in this group one is by an
open forum or the other one is on a
Facebook page we've got a private
Facebook page you put down a blog and
then people will feedback so I did the
most heroic thing I could do I posted it
on Facebook so I didn't have to see face
to face this is what I posted just to
share with you hi everyone I need a
little bit of help please has anybody
had to deal with a loved one who's
battling alcoholism and they in denial
about it my father has been an alcoholic
for the last ten years and cut off all
family ties has become aggressive and
abusive to everyone things are getting
worse with him I'm lost what to do any
help we offered to him as a family is
rejected does anyone know where I can
get support for this before it gets
worse
thanks fellas I send this and I don't
send it comfortably I send it with a
whole lot of hesitations and you know
what just before I do actually press the
send button I have a whole lot of fears
going through my head I am flooded with
fear of doing this and this is what the
fears that sound like is anybody gonna
read this am I gonna get noticed you
know what people laugh at me I've got
problems and being a guy I'm talking
about emotional stuff
I got daddy issues are people gonna
laugh at me I sound weak and my less of
a man you know what my reputation is a
fixer guys just gone now I've got
problems does anybody actually really
care and I don't want to be a burden to
anybody
I pushed the send button I push the send
button I'll walk away from my computer
nervously and I come back and you know
there was something about pushing the
send button that was actually really
super cool some of the weight had lifted
off my shoulder magically just by
sharing that and I really didn't care if
anybody replied but what was amazing
people did reply and be like hey Tony
how I sorry to hear what you're going
through I don't know what you're I've
never experienced that before but I've
got an uncle that's actually gone for
that I'll get in touch with them and see
what we can do and then I had this flood
of a community actually come to me and
give me support and love and in that
moment I actually felt connected to this
group and I'm starting to get it I'm
starting to understand Monday morning
ring ring hello mum hello son how are
you I'm good mummy you all right no I'm
not feeling too well now what happened
30 minutes before this phone call to Mum
a nursing home and rang and they said
hey we've got a spare room here for your
mum if she wants to move in and I'm
going what hold on a second I got is
this a courtesy call er this is a really
weird random call for you to make okay
yeah it's just a comment it's just a
courtesy call just just ring up to see
if you mum wants to move in now my mum's
a clairvoyant
I don't think G she's bloody good why
she's not feeling too well she was
actually must be wanting to go to a
nursing home like I'm um the nursing
homes are anxious yeah I'm thinking
about it she says can you come over so
we can have a chat I got absolutely mum
absolutely come over our chat that was
Monday idle wait till Saturday that was
the longest week of my life so I didn't
know what I was going to walk into the
mum hasn't told me what's going on and I
sit down and I see my mum there with a
silver hair
this time the smiles not there though
and I go mum what's happening she goes
son I'm so sorry she goes three years
ago I was diagnosed with leukemia and I
chose not to getting
treatment and I'm dying and I didn't
want to be a burden to you or your
sister so I'm sorry about that
and in that instance my heart opened up
like a young child filling every raw bit
of energy of pain sorrow grief and loss
and mum and I connected like we haven't
connected for a long time since I've
been an adult we connected like we did
when I was a child and we looked at a
tree and we talked and we laughed and we
did laugh as well in this but does that
connection there but there was something
else at resonated with me was quite
interesting was when she said you know
what I didn't want to be a burden to you
and I got that because I held the belief
as a male I didn't want to be a burden
to anybody else so I wouldn't tell
people my problems failed relationship
after relationship after relationship
where girls are telling me you know what
Tony you know everything about us but we
know nothing about you
I never let anybody into my life so
having that childlike emotional raw
energy come through gave me the
connection that I was yearning with my
mum for so long so I'm gonna leave you
with this I'm gonna encourage you to
speak up and live wholeheartedly so you
can actually create true connections
with people that matter to you and you
know what I always make sure I tell my
mom that I love her first now thank you
[Applause]