So, now I drink iced coffee with cream. That's all I changed it to.
I'm tired of saying milk.
That's all they kept giving me was milk with ice.
So I was like, "I'm gonna say cream, you know,
they can't do cream with ice. That's against the law." So...
I'll get rid of the one problem that I have.
And I've only been drinking coffee for maybe four years.
It's not very long.
I only order this one little drink.
I get very nervous when I order coffee,
because it's a whole world,
and I don't know the world, you know.
They always ask you a bunch of stuff.
Like, they're like, "What kind of cream?"
I'm like, "Just please do it. Just do it." You know?
Sometimes they're like, "Do you want heavy cream
or half-and-half?"
And I'll go, "I'm sorry,
I'm not taking questions right now, so...
if you could just do whatever you think it is,
and if it's wrong, I won't even tell you. How about that?
I will walk out of here as if that's exactly what I ordered.
I will go outside, I will throw it away,
and go try again at a different Starbucks."
That's how I'll handle the entire...
That's why I think they have so many Starbucks,
so you can just keep going.
Someone's got to get it.
If I have to get my wife's coffee, she has to text me what she wants,
'cause I don't know how to pronounce, like, most of the words there.
So I just show them the phone. I go, "She wants this."
And they're like, "Does she want it sweetened?"
I'm like, "Guess we have to call her now, don't we?" And...
I make them talk to her. I go, "Talk to a stranger's wife.
Say what you said to me."
Have you ever been to a Starbucks, like, inside?
Like, you go inside, and there's, like, a big, long line,
and you'll be waiting, and they try to take your order
before you're even to the front.
Like you'll be in the back. They're like," What you want?"
You're like, "I would like to wait till I get right in front of you.
Yeah, you know, you see how everybody looked at me
when you said that?
I didn't care for that, so...
How about we do it like a regular, normal business,
you know, and you let me do it right in front of you?"
Starbucks is, like, waving cars down on the street.
Just be like, "We're trying to get your order started
in case you ever come here one day." Uh...
So I was in, uh, San Francisco,
and I bet there's a bunch of fun coffee places,
and I live in my dumb world that just...
I just want this one little drink.
So I go into a Starbucks,
and I get in the front, and I was like,
"Uh, I'll take an iced coffee with cream."
She goes, "With cream?" I go, "With cream."
And then she goes, "Iced coffee with cream?"
I go, "Iced coffee with cream."
She goes, "With cream?" I go, "With cream."
And she said it one more time.
She said, "So, iced coffee with cream?"
And that point, I should have said,
"What's going on right now?
Where are you at in your head?
Because I... I feel like we're in two different places."
But I was nervous, and there was people behind me,
and I was like, "Cream or no cream, honestly.
I'll give you $20 if you let me leave right now.
I cannot...
This is the most I can talk about this.
I don't even know what's happening anymore."
So I paid, I go stand in line,
you know, where you go to wait for your drink.
There's, like, five of us waiting for our drinks.
So she puts the iced coffee up there first.
No cream, and I was like, "Whatever."
I'll just do it myself, you know?
Like, I don't like doing it myself,
but I was like, "All right, I'll just do it."
So, before I could get it,
she's walked back with a can of whipped cream,
and she's shaking it.
And I'm just looking at it, like, thinking that's someone else's.
I'm like, "Someone's getting whipped cream. That's fun.
One of you guys are getting whipped cream?"
And I look down,
and she starts spraying the whipped cream
on top of my iced coffee.
She just yells out, "Iced coffee, whipped cream!" Yells it out.
The other four people, they turn their back.
Like, they don't want you to accidentally think
that's what they ordered.
And I'm just left alone.
Like, "That's what you thought I said over there?
You don't think I would have said
'iced coffee with whipped cream'?
You think I'm just some nut job?"
Like, "I've had too many problems in this Starbucks,
so I'm gonna use the words that I want and no other words:
Iced coffee, whipped cream, cup."
And they didn't have a top for it.
So whipped cream, it doesn't sink and become
less embarrassing. It moves.
It's like a buoy in an ocean that everybody sees.
And I'm just walking through the crowd like,
"This is my favorite drink.
I don't know if you guys drink this at all.
Does anybody... Nobody does this? I'm surprised."
And I walked outside and threw it away
and tried again at a different Starbucks.