-I'm not gonna front with y'all, okay?
These dope outfits I get to wear on the show
have your girl feeling real cute, real cute.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.
My captions are all, like, "Feeling kind of cute.
Won't delete later."
If you know what I'm sayin', okay?
"It's feeling herself," y'all. [ Cheers and applause ]
And it's not easy puttin' all of this together, okay?
You know why?
Because female fashion is trash.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hear me out. Hear me out.
I'm not saying female fashion looks bad, obviously.
I'm saying female fashion makes living life
as a normal human being a struggle and a half!
It sucks! [ Cheers and applause ]
It's like, in order to look good,
you have to be uncomfortable all day
because everything is designed to cut off your circulation.
Your shoes, your bra, your Spanx,
your Spanx that you put on over your other Spanx, okay?
It's all meant to take your life away.
Now, the other day, someone told me that my gown
from the red carpet was breathtaking.
And I was like, "Yeah.
This dress is literally taking my breath away.
I can't breathe."
[ Laughter ] Okay?
Now, personally, I like to wear baggier clothes, you know?
Like, button-up shirt that gives me that "Zaddy" status.
You know what I'm saying, okay?
But I always got to buy them in the men's section though
'cause whenever I wear a button-up
from the women's section, when I move,
it feels like I'm playing a game of peekaboo with my boobs
and all the guys at the bar are winning.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, I wore this shirt for this monologue.
That's the choice I made for the rest of the episode.
So, now, y'all got to deal with this.
You're gonna deal with this. [ Cheers and applause ]
Alright.
Now, there are a lot of things about women's fashion
that I just find baffling.
Like, pantyhose.
Can we just take a moment, okay?
You spend $30 on a nice pair, and the moment you put them on,
you got a rip from your ankle to your crotch instantly, okay?
You only get to use them one time.
Like condoms.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, they're also like condoms in that
it feels better when you're not wearing them.
[ Audience ohs ]
And let's talk about rompers, okay?
I'll admit, I love a good romper.
Ladies, am I right? Rompers? [ Cheers and applause ]
They're like onesies
that people don't shame you for wearing in public.
Okay?
But when you put on a romper,
you know that you're getting into an evening
of internal debate between getting fully nude
in a public washroom so you can finally pee
or holding it in and risking a U.T.I.
[ Laughter ]
It is what it is, y'all.
And the worst part about women's clothing
has to be the different sizing.
I mean, can all you stores
just get it together and make up your minds?
You know what I'm saying? [ Cheers and applause ]
And don't get me started on shopping internationally.
'Cause in the U.K., I'm a 10, okay?
In France, I'm a 38.
And here in the U.S., I'm 13 McGriddles, okay?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh!
[ Laughter ]
But seriously, how did women's fashion get this way?
Back in the day -- did you know this?
Men were the ones to wear super-tight pants and wigs
and even makeup, but at some point, they smartened up.
They're like, "No, forget about this."
But us ladies, we're still doing it.
You know, which is so like a woman to take on a struggle
and never let it go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And did you also know that women
spend three times more on clothing than men?
Three times, y'all. Yes.
I think it's because we feel like
we always got to look presentable.
I mean, like, a guy can be wearing
a "Jurassic Park" T-shirt with holes in it, you know?
And people will still come up to him, like, "Oh, my God.
Have you ever thought about being Senator?"
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, even though women spend more than men on clothing,
only 14% of the 50 major fashion brands are run by women.
Yeah. Like, take Victoria's secret. Yeah.
The clothing company that created the most iconic,
intimate apparel for women
is owned by a company named L Brands.
And the C.E.O. of L Brands is someone named Leslie Wexner.
Now, when I first heard this, I was like, "This is great.
You go Leslie!" Okay?
And then I did some Googling.
And it turns out that Victoria's secret
is that she's an old white guy.
[ Audience ohs ] Yeah, that's right. Okay?