>> Stephen: NICE.
HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
CHRIS, MARK, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
GOOD TO SEE YOU OUT THERE, EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T SEE YOU.
MY NAME IS STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'RE BACK AFTER TWO WEEKS OF THE AIR.
THAT'S A LONG TIME.
I GOT REALLY GOOD AT NOT DOING MY JOB.
YOU SHOULD SEE ME NOT DO IT.
IT'S PRETTY UNIMPRESSIVE.
A LOT HAPPENED IN THOSE TWO WEEKS, BUT PERHAPS THE MOST
EARTH-SHATTERING NEWS BROKE THIS WEEKEND, WHEN CHRIS EVANS
ACCIDENTALLY SHARED A PENIS PIC.
YES, FOR ONE BRIEF, SHINING MOMENT, WE GOT A GLIMPSE OF
CAPTAIN AMERICA'S WINTER SLDIER.
AND IT DID NOT SEEM AFFECTED BY THE COLD.
APPARENTLY, WHILE TRYING TO SHARE SOMETHING ON INSTAGRAM,
EVANS INADVERTENTLY POSTED A SCREENSHOT OF HIS PHOTO GALLERY,
AND ON THE GRID YOU CAN SEE WHAT APPEARS TO BE AN ERECT PENIS.
NOW, THE PRUDES AT CORPORATE TELL ME I CAN'T SHOW YOU AN
ERECT PENIS, EVEN THOUGH HALF MY COMMERCIALS ARE ABOUT TRYING
TO MAINTAIN ONE.
SO LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY: YOU KNOW THAT SCENE AT THE END OF
"AVENGERS: ENDGAME" WHERE CAPTAIN AMERICA IS ABLE TO
LIFT THOR'S HAMMER?
NOT SO SURPRISING ANYMORE.
>> I KNEW IT!
>> STEPHEN: BUT THERE'S SO MANY TRULY IMPORTANT STORIES IN THE
WORLD RIGHT NOW, THAT I CANNOT IN GOOD CONSCIENCE WASTE ANOTHER
SECOND TALKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT THE PHOTO WAS BLACK AND
WHITE.
CLASSY.
LIKE A FRENCH FILM.
DIRECTED BY JEAN LUC GOT-HARD.
AND HERE'S THE RUB: BECAUSE OUR PRESIDENT CONTINUES TO RUN
ROUGHSHOD OVER OUR DEMOCRATIC NORMS AND INSTITUTIONS, AND
IGNORES A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, WE HAVE TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.
WHICH I THINK IS ALSO THE ANGLE FROM WHICH CHRIS TOOK A PHOTO OF
HIS LOW ROAD.
AND WHAT A LONG AND WINDING ROAD IT APPEARS TO BE.
IT WEREN'T FOR THE DARKNESS OF OUR NEWS CYCLE, WE COULD HAPPILY
DO SO MANY CHRIS EVANS JOKES RIGHT NOW.
HOW MANY?
I HAVE A WHOLE CHRIS EVANS SACK OF JOKES.
PROP WAS WORTH IT.
BUT TONIGHT, YOU WON'T EVEN GET A GLIMPSE OF THE SACK.
SAME POLICY AS CHRIS, IF YOU SAW THE PHOTO I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THE ONE OF HIS PENIS.
BUT HERE IS MY SOLEMN VOW: IF JOE BIDEN IS ELECTED ON NOVEMBER
3, ON NOVEMBER 4, WE WILL COVER CHRIS EVANS' PENIS.
SOMETHING CHRIS EVANS DID NOT DO.
IF YOU GO TO YOUR POLLING PLACE, I PROMISE YOU: WE WILL GO TO
HIS.
BUT UNTIL THAT HAPPY DAY, LET'S TALK TRUMP.
HE'S IN CALIFORNIA TODAY TO SURVEY DAMAGE FROM THE WORST
WILDFIRES IN CALIFORNIA'S HISTORY.
THEY'RE SO BAD, THAT GIANT CLOUDS OF ASH AND SMOKE HAVE
GENERATED LIGHTNING AND FIRE TORNADOES.
OK, 2020.
PESTILENCE, PILLARS OF FIRE.
IF YOU'RE GOING FULL OLD TESTAMENT, WHERE'S THE RIVER
OF BLOOD?
WE COULD USE IT TO PUT OUT THE FLAMING TORNADOES!
WHY IS THIS YEAR'S FIRE THE WORST IN CALIFORNIA'S HISTORY?
LET'S ASK CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR AND GUY WHO'S NEVER BEEN SEEN IN
THE SAME ROOM WITH THE BATMAN GAVIN NEWSOM.
HE HAS A VERY SIMPLE THEORY: >> THE DEBATE IS OVER AROUND
CLIMATE CHANGE.
JUST COME TO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA.
OBSERVE IT WITH YOUR OWN EYES.
MOTHER NATURE IS PHYSICS, BIOLOGY AND CHEMISTRY.
SHE BATS LAST AND SHE BATS 1,000.
THAT'S THE REALITY WE'RE FACING, THE SMASH MOUTH REALITY.
>> STEPHEN: FIRST STURGIS AND NOW WILDFIRES.
SMASHMOUTH SHOWS UP TO EVERY CATASTROPHE!
MAKES SENSE, 'CAUSE IF YOU GO TO CALIFORNIA RIGHT NOW
( SINGING ) YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE WALKING ON
THE SUN OF COURSE, TRUMP DENIES GLOBAL
WARMING BECAUSE HE ( SINGING )
AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED
SO HE HAD ANOTHER EXPLANATION WHICH HE SHARED ON HIS WAY TO
CALIFORNIA.
HE DECIDED NOT TO TALK TO REPORTERS FOR WHAT WE USUALLY
CALL "CHOPPER TALK."
BUT ONCE HE ARRIVED AT THE AIRPORT IN CALIFORNIA, HE
CHATTED WITH THE PRESS IN OU NEW SEGMENT --
>> JETWAY JIBBER JABBER >> STEPHEN: TRUMP STARTED OUT BY
EXPLAINING TO THE MEDIA HOW WILD FIRES START.
>> WITH REGARD TO THE FORESTS, WHEN TREES FALL DOWN AFTER A
SHORT PERIOD OF TIME, ABOUT 18 MNTHS, THEY BECOME VERY DRY.
THEY BECOME REALLY LIKE A MATCH STICK.
AND THEY GET UP, YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO MORE WATER POURING
THROUGH, AND THEY BECOME VERY, VERY-- THEY JUST EXPLODE.
THEY COULD EXPLODE.
>> STEPHEN: AHH, THE AGE OLD QUESTION: IF A TREE FALLS IN A
FOREST AND THERE'S NO ONE AROUND TO SEE, CAN YOU CONVINCE
REPORTERS THAT IT EXPLODED?
TRUMP DOESN'T BELIEVE THE PROBLEM IS GLOBAL WARMING A
ALL.
>> WE HAVE TO DO A LOT ABOUT FOREST MANAGEMENT.
OBVIOUSLY FOREST MANAGEMENT IN CALIFORNIA IS VERY IMPORTANT.
AND NOW IT EXTENDS TO WASHINGTON, IT EXTENDS TO
OREGON.
THERE HAS TO BE GOOD, STRONG FOREST MANAGEMENT, WHICH I'VE
BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR THREE YEARS WITH THE STATE SO
HOPEFULLY THEY'LL START DOING THAT.
>> STEPHEN: YES, IT'S ALL CALIFORNIA, WASHINGTON, AND
OREGON'S FAULT- BECAUSE THEY WON'T MANAGE THEIR FORESTS!
EXCEPT THERE'S ONE SMALL PROBLEM: THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
OWNS NEARLY 58% OF CALIFORNIA'S FORESTLANDS, WHILE THE STATE
OWNS 3%.
IT'S BASICALLY LIKE COMPLAINING THAT YOUR NEIGHBOR IS DOING A
TERRIBLE JOB MOWING YOUR LAWN.
"HE DOESN'T EVEN TRIM THE EDGES AND WHEN IS HE GOING TO DO
FIGURE ABOUT ALL THIS WEIGHT I'VE GAINED?
>> WE WANT TO WORK WITH YOU TO RECOGNIZE THE CHANGE IN CLIMATE
AND WHAT IT MEANS TO OUR FOREST AND ACTUALLY WORK TOGETHER WITH
THAT SCIENCE.
THAT SCIENCE IS GOING TO BE KEY.
IF WE IGNORE THE SCIENCE AND PUT OUR HEAD IN THE SAND AND THINK
IT'S ABOUT VEGETATION MANAGEMENT, WE WON'T SUCCEED
TOGETHER PROTECTING CALIFORNIANS.
>> OKAY.
IT WILL START GETTING COOLER, YOU JUST WATCH.
>> I WISH SCIENCE AGREED WITH YOU.
>> WELL, I DON'T THINK SCIENCE KNOWS, ACTUALLY.
>> Stephen: NO, IT KNOWS.
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW DOESN'T MEAN THE SCIENCE DOESN'T
KNOW THE SCIENCE.
IT'S LIKE THE NUTRITION FACTS ON THE BOX OF OREO COOKIES.
JUST BECAUSE I REFUSE TO READ IT DOESN'T MEAN THE SERVING SIZE IS
ONE SLEEVE.
AND WHAT A BRAVE FORECAST.
"IT WILL START GETTING COLDER."
IT'S SEPTEMBER - YEAH.
IT'S GOING TO GET COLDER!
(AS TRUMP) "I HAVE BEEN STUDYING THE
SCIENCE OF CALENDAR, AND I PREDICT, BY DECEMBER, PEOPLE
WILL START BRINGING TREES INTO THEIR HOUSES.
NOT A GOOD IDEA.
THOSE SUCKERS CAN EXPLODE ON YA."
IT SHOULDN'T BE A SURPRISE THAT TRUMP IS DOWNPLAYING THE
DEVASTATING FIRES OUT WEST.
HE'S SPENT THE LAST SIX MONTHS IGNORING A PANDEMIC.
AND WE NOW KNOW THAT TRUMP WASN'T JUST MISINFORMED OR
STUPID, HE WAS LYING.
IT'S ALL IN A NEW BOOK BY MY GUEST TONIGHT, BOB WOODWARD.
A MAN MANY PEOPLE CONSIDER TO BE THE "CARL BERNSTEIN" OF
INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM.
THE BOOK IS CALLED "RAGE."
IT'S A FOLLOW UP TO 2018'S "FEAR."
AND IT'S A PREQUEL TO 2022'S "HANGRY."
IN PREPARATION FOR THE BOOK, TRUMP SAT DOWN WITH WOODWARD FOR
19 TAPED INTERVIEWS, AND THEY WERE VERY REVEALING.
NOT AS MUCH AS CHRIS EVANS, BUT STILL.
FOR INSTANCE, BACK IN FEBRUARY AND MARCH, TRUMP WAS PUBLICLY
COMPARING THE VIRUS TO AN AVERAGE FLU AND SAYING IT WOULD
GO AWAY BY APRIL, BUT LISTEN TO WHAT HE TOLD WOODWARD ON
FEBRUARY 7: >> IT GOES THROUGH AIR, BOB.
THAT'S HOW IT'S PASSED.
AND SO THAT'S A VERY TRICKY ONE.
THAT'S A VERY DELICATE ONE.
IT'S ALSO MORE DEADLY THAN YOUR- YOU KNOW, YOUR, EVEN YOUR
STRENUOUS FLUS.
SO THIS IS DEADLY STUFF.
>> STEPHEN: SO DONALD TRUMP KNEW IN FEBRUARY THAT CORONAVIRUS WAS
PASSED THROUGH THE AIR, WAS MUCH DEADLIER THAN THE FLU, THEN HE
LIED ABOUT IT, AND 200,000 PEOPLE DIED.
SO, MAGA REALLY SHOULD STAND FOR:
"MAKE AMERICAN GRAVES AGAIN."
THEN IN MARCH, TRUMP EXPLAINED TO WOODWARD WHY HE LIED.
>> I WANTED TO-- I WANTED TO ALWAYS PLAY IT DOWN.
I STILL LIKE PLAYING IT DOWN.
>> YES.
>> BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO CREATE A PANIC.
>> STEPHEN: YES, HE DIDN'T WANT TO CREATE A PANIC AND TRUMP'S
BRAIN HAS ONLY TWO SETTINGS: PANIC AND LIE.
THE BOOK HAS A LOT OF OTHER EXPLOSIONS.
FOR INSTANCE, HERE'S WHAT TRUMP TOLD WOODWARD ABOUT HIS
RELATIONSHIP WITH TURKISH STRONGMAN RECEP ERDOGAN:
>> I GET ALONG VERY WELL WITH ERDOGAN, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO, BECAUSE EVERYONE SAYS, "WHAT A HORRIBLE GUY."
BUT, YOU KNOW, FOR ME IT WORKS OUT GOOD.
IT'S FUNNY, THE RELATIONSHIPS I HAVE, THE TOUGHER AND MEANER
THEY ARE, THE BETTER I GET ALONG WITH THEM.
>> STEPHEN: FOR SOME REASON, TRUMP AND EVIL PEOPLE JUST
CLICK!
HE SHARES A LAUGH WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN, HE HANGS OUT WITH JEFFREY
EPSTEIN, AND HIS DOUBLES PARTNER IS THE DEMOGORGON.
>> ROGER T T DEMO GORINGEN.
GOOD GUY.
TRUMP HAS A PARTICULARLY SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH NORTH KOREAN
DICTATOR AND MAN WHOSE HAIRCUT WAS MADE FOR A MAN WITH A HEAD
HALF HIS SIZE, KIM JONG UN.
IN THE BOOK, TRUMP DESCRIBED HIS CHEMISTRY WITH KIM THIS WAY:
"YOU MEET A WOMAN.
IN ONE SECOND, YOU KNOW WHETHER OR NOT IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN."
(AS TRUMP) "HE WALKED IN THE ROOM, AND I
KNEW IMMEDIATELY THAT KIM WAS D.T.F: DICTATOR TRUMP'S FRIEND."
NOT SURPRISINGLY, TRUMP WASN'T HAPPY ABOUT "RAGE," TWEETING AND
MOANING ABOUT THE "POLITICAL HIT JOB BY RAPIDLY FADING BOB
WOODWARD AND HIS BORING BOOK."
WAIT A SECOND.
BORING BOOK?
IT'S 19 INTERVIEWS OF YOU TALKING.
(AS TRUMP) "BOB'S BOOK IS PATHETIC.
HOURS OF INTERVIEWS WITH SOME WASHED-UP REALITY SHOW HOST WHO
JUST BLATHERS ON LIKE AN IDIOT WHILE LETTING 200,000 PEOPLE DIE
A PREVENTABLE DEATH?
BORING!" OF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP DOESN'T
CARE IF PEOPLE DIE.
CASE IN POINT, HE'S GONE BACK TO HOLDING RALLIES.
ON SATURDAY, TRUMP SCHEDULED ONE AT THE AIRPORT IN RENO, BUT WAS
REJECTED BECAUSE HIS RALLY "WOULD VIOLATE THE STATE'S AND
LOCAL COUNTY'S DIRECTIVES ON PUBLIC GATHERINGS DUE TO THE
CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC."
YOU KNOW YOUR RALLY IS A BAD IDEA WHEN IT'S DEEMED TOO STUPID
FOR RENO, THAT'S WHERE YOU GO WHEN VEGAS IS LIKE, "TAKE IT
EASY, MAN.
YOU'RE SCARING OUR SEX WORKERS."
SO THE RALLY WAS MOVED TO ANOTHER AIRPORT, IN MINDEN,
NEVADA.
THE PLACE YOU GO WHEN RENO IS LIKE "HEY, TAKE IT EASY, MAN,
YOU'RE SCARING OUR DRIFTERS!" TRUMP HIMSELF EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED
THAT HE SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO HAVE RALLIES.
>> WE CALL THIS A PROTEST, BECAUSE IF YOU CALL IT A PROTEST
YOU'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE IT.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, IT'S A PROTEST.
"WHAT DO WE WANT?
DISEASE!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
WITHIN FOURTEEN DAYS OF THIS EVENT!"
WHICH IS AT LEAST A FRESH TAKE COMPARED TO THE CHANT THEY
ACTUALLY USED: >> LOCK HER UP!
>> STEPHEN: ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU'VE HAD FOUR YEARS, AND YOU GOT NO NEW MATERIAL?
THE CROWD SHOULD BE SCREAMING: "MAKE AN EFFORT!
WRITE A CHANT!" THEN ON SUNDAY, TRUMP HELD AN
INDOOR RALLY AT THE WAREHOUSE OF A COMPANY CALLED X-TREME
MANUFACTURING.
A COMPANY THAT I PRESUME MAKES SNOWBOARDS OUT OF DIRT BIKES.
THIS WAS SUCH A BAD IDEA, ONE DOCTOR EVEN SAID, "PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S INDOOR RALLY IN NEVADA IS NEGLIGENT HOMICIDE."
MAKING TRUMP'S RALLY THE DUMBEST POLITICAL GATHERING SINCE BILL
CLINTON ACCEPTED THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION AT JURASSIC PARK.
MOST OF THE SPEECH WAS THE USUAL HOT GARBAGE, BUT HE DID DEBUT
SOME NEW COMEDY: OUTREACH TO LATINO VOTERS:
>> I CALL THEM LATINO, YOU KNOW, I SAY: WHAT DO YOU PREFER?
IT'S VERY INTERESTING, SOME SAY CALL US LATINO.
>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "AND THEN THEY SAY 'UH, WE DON'T
SOUND LIKE THAT.' AND I SAY 'MAYBE NOT, BUT THAT
LITTLE CHIHUAHUA DOES.'" OQUERO YOUR VOTES.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
BOB WOODWARD IS HERE WITH EXCLUSIVE, NEVER-BEFOREHEARD
AUDIO OF DONALD TRUMP.
STICK AROUND.