In Fucker 3, you play as Jason Bourne.
Now, he's a heavy drinker, uh, he injects a lot of heroin into his arm.
He likes to, he likes to fuck a lot of whores.
The after a big-ass line of coke--
(Snorts heavily)
I'm gonna jump out of a fuckin' airplane!
Lands on this shithole with this crazy bald guy,
he's like, fuckin' Joker meets a bald eagle.
Luckily though, your brother was in the army.
He breaks you out!
But unfortunately, he was in the Shitterton Unit.
Then Black Bastard finds you, he's like,
[Imitating Little Jacob voice] "Tattoos give you super powers, man!"
"This one that looks like a giraffe riding a stop sign on my arm there, that one's--"
[Imitating Crysis suit voice] "Maximum armor."
"I'm not, I'm not even black, I just got so many fuckin' tattoos."
Listen Little Jacob, I like to snort a lotta crack too,
but I have to get to the bottom of who I am to find out--
[Inhales sharply]
--my "Identity."
I think the point of the Far Cry series is to strip away that linear feel
and give you a sandbox for a more dynamic approach.
You're supposed to be able to go on missions in a more creative way,
and that's when the game is at its best.
That feeling of openness. At its worst, you're going through boring-ass scripted sequences,
you're trying to fuck the whores, it won't let you.
[Flatly] Oh no, the helicopter is gonna crash. Where have I seen this before,
FIVE HUNDRED MILLION TIMES.
The island is "Supremely" dense. You can't even walk two feet
without bumping into pirates or animals.
And I ain't talking parrots! Hehe, you know what I'm sayin'?
Whu--what you gonna do, little bitch, huh, huh?
Oh shit!
How do I beat the turtle?
Ooh, I'll smoke him out!
Come outta there.
Oh, the monkey's so cute.
[Gunshots, monkey screeches]
You got these big ol' rusty towers, climb up there, it goes,
WOWWWWWWWW. [Mimics tribal drums]
Can see the whole island, good graphics.
Uh, good music, they got all my jams.
[Piano music plays] Um, they got, uh, Sad Sad Man - Piano Stevens.
[Aggressive, driving beat] Uh, Ch--Cheeto Cove. Hehe, Cheeto Cove by the Cha Cha Boys.
And they got, uh, they got,
[Funky Latin dance track] oh, they got Stevie Wonderstone on here!
Oh, they got Jose Chalupa.
[Skrillex & Damian Marley - Make It Bun Dem] Oh, they got Skrillex.
Oh.
[Laughing]
Ma--make it stop. [Laughs]
What I'll never understand about video games is they
throw all this money into making it, and they can't afford to bring on a fuckin' writer.
Jason has gotta be one of the most despicable protagonists of all time.
Everything that comes outta his mouth is fucking shameless retardation.
[Jason Brody:] "I sunk your battleship!"
I'm also pretty sure he domestically abuses his girlfriend.
He--he treats her so bad the whole game.
[Liza Snow:] "Be careful."
Shut up, dumb bitch.
The only thing I like about him is that my name's Jason,
so it really immerses me in the game, you know?
[Vaas Montenegro:] "Oh, Jason, Jason, Jason. You come to fuck with me in MY OWN HOUSE!?"
[Gasps] He's talking to me!
[Vaas:] "For a bitch!? For Citra!?"
I love how the driving in first-person makes it way more intense,
blazing through the jungle, until you, uh,
you get good at it like me--oh shit.
[Impact, man screams]
Are you okay, man?
This guy is PISSING me off.
Give 'im the old sneakerton knife.
This guy's pissing me off. Light 'im on fire.
Light myself on fire.
[Liza Snow:] "I miss you."
[Dismissively] Mhm-mhm. Mhm-mhm.
[Liza:] "Okay? And you're carrying all these weapons and you have all those weird tattoos..."
Mhm-mhm. Mhm-mhm. Yeah. Okay, just shut the fuck up you stupid bitch.
[Liza:] "Okay, I get it. You're stressed out. We can meet up later."
"I love you."
Uhh, I'm gonna go fuck a whore.
Yeeeah, boiiiii.
Alright guys, I gotta admit.
I have no idea how poker works.
Uhhhhh.... all--all in.
[Sam Becker:] "I'm folding."
I win!
[Sam:] "You're the best poker player I've ever met."
I think this guy's supposed to be pointing a gun at me,
he's not doing a very good job.
And the guy on my right, I think he got, he got stabbed because he
called "poker" but he didn't really have it.
[Humming "Star Wars" music ] Then you gotta fight this guy IN SPACE!
[Lightsaber noises] If you strike me down now, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine--
[Loud scream, grunt]
You're a dick.
[Liza Snow:] "The boat's almost fixed, we get to go home."
Alright, well, the boat's not gonna work, it's more like suicide,
and also I'm breaking up with you.
[Liza, sobbing:] "Now you're leaving me?"
Yeah, well I found this black bitch, you know, she's got bigger tits, so I'll see you later, Dick. Alright?
[Jason Brody:] "Goodbye, Liza."
[Liza:] "Jas--"
"Don't... come..."
Nope! See ya later!
[Daisy Lee:] "Liza! Let him go."
He-ha!
[Daisy:] "Go on then! Take care of yourself."
"That's what you're good at."
Come on Chewie, I know what I'm doin'.
[Loud dubstep music] BUT THEN THE SHITTY MUSIC COMES BACK ON
AND BALD BITCH JUST WANTS YOU TO--
[Vaas Montenegro:] "PULL THE TRIGGER!"
[Loud gunshot]
[Jason Brody:] "Citra.. I won..."
I defeated Skrillex...
[Yoshi's Island - Koopa boss theme plays]
NOW I CAN ASSUME MY TRUE FORM!
Bald Bitch turns into a giant Megazord but then you pull out this TNT crossbow and you're like,
"BITCH!" and you shoot his fuckin' face off!
But then this BITCH gives you an "Ultimatum"
she's like, "Look, you either kill your old girlfriend or I ain't fucking you anymore!"
And I'm like, "Bitch!" [Nervous chuckle] "This is fucked up..."
She--I've been so mean to her the whole game, she's been nothin' but nice to me.
Uh, and--and we gotta keep in mind, whore, that recently you've been givin' me some lip
and you haven't been suckin' my dick so much, um, so...
Eh, fuck it.
Yeeeah, boiiiii.
Zero outta five! She's got NO ASSSSS