Hi youtube family Lisa a [romano] here in the life coach and today? I want to talk about?
Nice narcissist or the covert narcissist, at least that's sort of what I call them
Versus narcissists that are overtly narcissistic and obviously narcissistic and not that clever. I'm
a nice narcissist is someone who when you meet them actually acts like they have empathy for you and
they go out [of] their way to
Sympathize with you and empathize with you
in the beginning of the relationship
[and] it's all for the purpose of hooking you in and once the narcissist feels like they have you in like you trust them
That's when the relationship begins to shift and my experience before [I] was married obviously
um I
dated a narcissist and I thought that I was pretty safe because
He and I spoke on the phone for like six months before we actually met. I thought I was like you know pretty clever and
he asked me all the right questions and I
Sort of ended up feeling like after the relationship ended like did he read a book on like
Narcissism or how to be a sociopath or some because it was just too weird
One in hindsight when I [begin] to like really from the eye in the sky as I'd like to say
Began to like pick apart would happen in the relationship. So he asked me questions that I
That were that right to the soul of who I am and you know if you were on a deserted island
And you can only take five things with you. What would they be?
he asked me questions about my dreams and and about my goals and and about my childhood and
he really did seem [to]
Align himself with me. He made me feel like you know he was in my corner and
it was
intoxicating it was like wow finally a man who gets me a man who sees me a man who wants to know me a
few months in I started to
pick up on certain [things] and I
kind of dismissed and
I
Registered them, but I really didn't
allow Myself to
Bring them to his attention because now in hindsight again looking back. He had spent so much time
Laying down the groundwork. He would say to me over and over. I'm a man of character
[I] would never lie to you. I don't believe in lying
People who lie have very poor character. That's not me
[I'm] the man of integrity and I didn't realize that
that he he intentionally was telling me who he was and
at same time
For his own purpose in his own agenda was trying to get me to think and believe that he was on my side
so when he started
not showing up when he said he was going to show up or
when he slipped and
Said something that was out of character
When those things happened, I began to once in a while
I would look at him funny or question something that he said and
What would always bite me in the butt was the weeks and weeks and hours and hours that I had heard him tell me
what a great person he was and how
people loved him and wanted [to] work with him and and found him to [be] you know a
upstanding citizen, and he surrounded himself with good people and everyone wanted to be around him so
When I when my mind got confronted with something that didn't make sense
There was this great conflict that was happening in my mind where I was like very confused about
What I was feeling at what I was hearing and what I was experiencing it was when you're involved with a nice
Narcissist you are so confused you doubt yourself and that is their agenda
Their agenda is to make you doubt [yourself]
It is to me it is it is the equivalent to murdering someone's soul over time?
eventually what happened with this relationship was it fell apart like his his I
Checked his phone he his phone went off at like midnight
We're at a friend's party and I checked his phone
And I just wanted to I just had a bad feeling and I flipped the phone up
And I saw a woman's name and I flipped it back down
[I] said okay
And then when he came when he whenever I saw him again, I said um oh your phone just rang and he said oh
Okay, and he checked his phone. He says oh, it's my brother, and I thought okay got you now
I know you're a liar and so I felt very very validated with himself like oh, I'm not crazy
He is lying and that [felt] really good and that the relationship fell apart from them from there
But I really did need to validate my instincts [that] I thought he was lying to me if I hadn't
Checked his phone. I would have never known
And never been able to validate what I was feeling and so I'm glad I checked his phone
And I'm glad things began to fall [apart] after that turned out that um
This this [particular] man told me that he was a corrections on no
he told me he owned his own security business and it turned out that he was a corrections officer and
Everything he went as far as to
Have sweaters made up with a fake
Security Company's name. I mean he went that far to convince me that he had this company um
Long long story short, I wasn't the only woman that he pulled into this dynamic
And I have to tell you dear one when I came full
face with
how
maniacal and how dibala [chol] he was and
I had to realize that this man was not the overt narcissist
[it] wasn't easy to spot it
Was almost impossible to spot?
I was listening to everything that he said and in the beginning
He [was] empathizing with everything that I said that was the hook
He spent so much time getting to know me
And he used words like I want to get to know you before I meet you
You know [I] know you have children and I and you know I care for my nephew
And you know I love him
and I want to make [sure] that I did I introduced him to the right type of a woman and who's who's
upstanding and so he he made it sound like he [was] a man who had all these qualities and of
What that made him made it sound like he cared about children and made it sound like he cared about my children
He in my opinion
investigated me and
Knew exactly what was important to me?
He had spent six months analyzing me didn't know that and used all the information that I
Shared with him against me and he became this person
That he thought that I would fall for and it worked for a time I
have to say
And I would love to hear your comments. I have to say that looking back
You know after egg was all over my face. You know after looking back. I always kind of felt something was wrong
now being a codependent recovering Codependent [I]
Had to understand that I was taught [to] doubt my feelings
when you grow up
With parents who are alcoholics or who are unrecovered adult children of alcoholics?
Or who are self-absorbed or who minimize you and criticize you [or] whatever beat you whatever your situation is
When you're programming from zero to [twelve] is such that you were taught not to trust your instincts
then when you meet a
covert Narcissist or a nice narcissist
You do not trust your instincts in
fact you kind of
Go for this this gallant prince charming type guy
be cut or woman you know or you know this woman if you're if you're male, or
Whatever, and you meet this this person of the opposite [sex]
And they're into you lots of times with what will what will nice?
Narcissists or
Covert narcissists will do is and their female is they will come on really really strong sexually and romantically
for a man and
you know men are very sexual and they're very visual and
female Narcissists will use her sexuality and
Make this man think that you know wow this chicks into me like you know. I'm the cat's meow you know and suddenly
He's feeling like a young stud again, and you know all his buddies like hey
What's in the what's in the coffee? You [know] um and he's starting [to] feel like?
Needed and wanted and and she has an agenda. She wants him to put a deck on his half on her house or um
She's a love addict or she's dating lots of different men and she needs the attention of oh she's BPD
You know and she needs the attention of a lot [of] different men for different reasons?
you know at a client ones who who had a female [nor] assist in his life--and and
you know she wanted him [for] certain things and she wanted Joe [Schmoe] for
Certain other things and she wanted harry to do something else and so she was all she could not
She couldn't deal with not having men's attention. So when she was at work. [she] had to have the attention of the boss
You know when she picked the kids up from bowling she had to have the attention of the goal and manager in the bowling owner
When she went out from dinner she had to have the attention of the restaurant owner, or the restaurant made Maitre D
So she could not not
be
Seen as attractive. She needed to feel like she could complement and she used [a] sexuality to do it. That's what a lot of
Covert female narcissists do at least what I what I've seen in my coaching practice
So in my case with a male narcissist [it] was he got inside my head
He knew exactly what my insecurities were
What my desires were what my dreams were and he used that all against me to come off like?
He was into me
Until he felt like he [got] me
And then once he felt like he [got] me then I started to notice things in his personality slip he would say things like
Well you and your kids will listen to me
And I was like no, that's not gonna work [like] [would] that come from and I always
Kept that in the back of my head
And that was definitely a red flag for me because I'm definitely a mama bear and so I remember that comment was like
Just us. That's a little weird you know me you and your kids will listen to me as if he was setting me up again
[implanting] or planting these seeds in my head that he was going to eventually be [the] boss of me and my children [um]
And we would have to account to him just know that's not going to happen but looking back dear ones
I have to say come clean I have to [acknowledge] that I did have red flags
My history is a codependent and coming from the home that I
Felt minimized in set me up to attract someone who was able to get inside. My head who was able [to]
It was easy for me
It was second nature for me to distrust my feelings and not go with my feelings the goal for me today is and this is
What I hope to impart you know with you on these youtube recordings as well as in my private coaching sessions and my workshops
Teleseminars and Whatnot the goal
I feel for each of us is to learn how [to] come into alignment with our innate south our God self
to come into into alignment with what we feel our Chakra systems to be able to be completely whole
integrated and again
I love the word in alignment with our roots shock without without a throat Chakra with a third eye Chakra with our crown Chakra Chakra
So something so in other words, so if I'm driving down the road
And I get this very strong sense [that] I should move over to the right [eye] now listen to that. I had a hysterectomy
Five years ago and on a Monday and on that Thursday
[I] started to cry and I was weeping about the surgery
I had such an eerie bad feeling that I actually [is] going to sound really really crazy
But it's the truth. [I] actually hung close an outfit on the back of my bedroom door. I was a single mom at the time
because I was so
Concerned that I might not [make] it through the surgery
I don't know where the feeling came from but I was I had this overwhelming sense that something might go wrong
So much so that I hung close up on the back of the door
so that it sounds sick that if if my kid if just if something happened to me and [my] children had to and
My parents [and] my best friends had to get awake or something together
That my kid that that outfit would be there ready to go
I know it sounds sick, but that's how that's how upset and and at dis-ease
I was over my hysterectomy and don't you know dear ones that during a routine?
Hysterectomy, I bled to death in my heart stop. I'm not
kidding [I] was in a coma and on a ventilator and needed six transfusions and
When I came out [of] that and I looked back, it was just the most
Surreal experience
Because I felt it and I knew it in my gut and I should have said listen
I don't want to have this surgery today dear ones today
today if I had a
$50,000 vacation plan and 20 people coming with me and I felt. I'm not getting on that plane
I would not get on that plane
I am not kidding there is something at work in this universe that we can tap [into] and
if we are aware enough to listen to it our God self is always talking to us will we
I love that line by Shakespeare to be or not to be am I going to listen or not?
Am I going to be in alignment?
with what feels right or am I not I had plenty of warning [signs] with this not nice narcissist with this covert narcissist [and]
When it came down to be or not to be most of time? I was not to be I did not listen and
My the goal of this video today dear one is to help you
First of all empathize with you help you not feel so alone even this life coach [is] messed up
And that's where I get most of my knowledge from is my mistakes
You know whatever, but I'm learning and I'm sharing that knowledge and imparting that knowledge with you
I'm human [you] [know] had a rough beginning, but I'm learning it's getting better and better as I don't go along and
I also want to help encourage you to please please please please please
trust your gut
Instinct don't get on that elevator. If you don't feel like you should don't go down [that] corner if you don't feel it
You should don't get in that car. Don't get on that bus don't get on that plane. Don't get in that relationship
[don't] go to that house if you feel like you shouldn't don't go to that party don't have that conversation
Don't date that guy, or don't date that woman leave them at the bus stop just keep going and dude
I don't care how good the sex is if you are with a female covert narcissist get out
She will drain you you she doesn't see you
She doesn't see you [and] the minute the minute you finally accept that room. She'll be on to someone else
She'll drive you crazy first, and how dare you drop her first, you know because narcissists don't like to be left. They want to
annihilate you
Before you're able to walk away
but stick with the [tier] 1 [you're] better to be done with a with a
Narcissist [on] any level than to be in a relationship with the narcissist wish them luck
Learn what you're supposed to learn wish them peace go on go figure out your stuff and bye. Bye
Bye, bye. That's the goal dear ones. I hope that this this youtube video has inspired you please keep
Reaching out to me with your comments. I love them. I respond to most them
I really really do try please check my stuff out at healing Self-esteem calm
My books are the Road back to me my road Beyond the codependent divorce
Loving the self affirmations and quantum tools to help you heal your life now now. [I'ma] stay dear ones
I bow to the love and the light in you [by]