This programme contains strong language
My name's Chloe and I'm an absolute fucking nightmare.
GLASS SMASHES CAR ALARM BLARES
CLOCK TICKS
So, people would go like,
"Who's that mad-looking wee doll with the bin bag?"
"Oh, that's Chloe - fucking nightmare, so she is."
Mrs Baird looks raging about the whole car/brick thing,
but she's secretly delighted, I bet.
Well, she's hated me ever since I told everyone
to start calling her Mrs Beard.
It's like, straight off the bat, she's like,
"Right. Well, you're definitely getting expelled this time,
"you horrible wee hoor, you."
And it wasn't even fucking me.
SHE YELLS
ALARM BLARES
All right, all right, maybe it...
Well, it definitely fucking was me, but...
..Beardy shouldn't be accusing me when she has no real evidence.
That's what's so unfair.
I was actually minding my own business at lunch.
Having a wee think about... SHE MOUTHS
..just, um...
..you know, Brexit or some shite,
but then this wee ginger fucknugget comes up and laughs at my bin bag.
He says something, but he mumbles so much I can barely make out a word.
It was something like, "That bin bag's pure rare, lad."
So, I go, "Up yours, Fanta balls."
But then he mumbles something like,
"Your ma and da don't love you, lad."
So - understandably -
I go buck daft.
SHE YELLS
I've got the wee scrote cornered.
He stands in front of this big, fancy car
and mumbles something like,
"Uh, this is, like, Beardy's car, lad -
"you miss, you're...for it, lad."
And I'm like,
"I never miss."
ALARM BLARES
Some fucking mouth
told the teacher that they saw someone who looked...
..a wee bit like me hanging around the car park.
In other words, they have fuck all proof,
so I'm like, "Well, it wasn't me.
"I spent the whole lunch in the toilet, pure boking my ringer up."
"I think it might be food poisoning."
But then she's all...
"Grand, we'll check CCTV
"and see if you went into the toilets or not.
"You sly wee slabber, you."
"Actually, I forgot, I wasn't in the toilets.
"I was at...choir practice, pure singing my hole off,
"somewhere towards the back."
And then she's all,
"Choir practice was cancelled today, you daft wee dick."
And then her secretary sticks the head in the door and goes,
"Your wee doll's foster ma's here, so she is, Deirdre."
And my heart just fucking shits itself.
Great.
Well, she looks fucking livid.
So, I'm like...
"Sorry for telling a load of lies there about where I was at lunch."
And Beardy's getting all sassy
because she still has half a sandwich left and she's all,
"So, tell the truth and shame the devil, you absolute weapon."
So I'm like, "Um...
"Actually, I was helping a mate of mine.
"She, uh...
"She stole a necklace from her ma
"and...
"..even though she's like, wild fucking sorry about it...
"..she, um...
"She's worried her ma's going to kick her out."
She just stares at me.
Straight away I'm thinking, "Fine, good, excellent.
"I've packed my life into a bin bag a million fucking times."
It's still only half empty.
And just as I'm about to really, like, fuck shit up...
..something weird happens.
She smiles at me.
People don't do that, like, ever.
Maybe she's not a horrible wanker.
Maybe she's a nice wanker because then, like, she goes...
"Oh, did that there car brick thing happen at lunchtime, aye?
"Because Chloe and her wee mate were with me.
"I took them out for chips and chicken goujons...
"..and a bar of chocolate and, like, a mineral and, um...
"..maybe some of that ice cream with, you know, the wee
"totey fucking marshmallows in it.
"Sorry. I just started being a foster ma
"and I pure forgot to tell the school I was taking her out."
And before Beardy can say fuck all,
her secretary sticks the head in the door and goes,
"There's a funny-looking wee ginger weirdo out here, Deirdre.
"He's mumbling something about seeing a big group of older lads
"chucking a brick at your car, the bad wee bastards."
And I see the wee ginger fucknugget from before.
He's pure gawking at me like a psycho fucking stalker,
but I am so relieved that I... I don't care.
So, Beardy Deirdre let us go. SHE CHUCKLES
She'd, like, no other choice.
Afterwards, my foster ma said I could keep the necklace.
She said it suits me better.
She's not wrong, like.
And then the wee ginger fucknugget comes up all nervous
and I'm like,
"Why'd you say that about my ma and da not loving me?"
And he goes,
"I didn't even, lad." SHE GIGGLES
"I just mumble. It was... I actually told you I fancy you
"and I wanted you to come to the cinema with me, lad."
So I look him right in the eye,
dead romantic, like,
and I go...
"Go fuck yourself, Fanta balls."
But I hope he knows that means, "Aye."