WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
THE BAD NEWS: THE WASHINGTON POST REPORTS THAT TRUMP REVEALED
HIGHLY CLASSIFIED INFORMATION TO THE RUSSIAN FOREIGN MINISTER AND
AMBASSADOR.
GOOD NEWS: TRUMP FOUND THE LEAKER.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS FAST.
FAST.
( APPLAUSE ) HERE'S THE DEAL.
WHEN KISLYAK AND LAVROV -- IS THAT HIS NAME -- IN THE OVAL
OFFICE LAST WEEK, TRUMP APPARENTLY WENT OFF
SCRIPT AND BEGAN DESCRIBING DETAILS ABOUT AN ISLAMIC STATE
TERRORIST THREAT.
THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.
TRUMP HAS A SCRIPT?
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T BELIEVE THAT FOR A
MINUTE.
I NEED INTEL ON THAT.
>> YEAH, I NEED THAT, TOO.
>> Stephen: THE INFORMATION IS SO SENSITIVE,
THE ARTICLE CAN'T DESCRIBE IN DETAIL WHAT WAS SHARED, BUT
ONE OFFICIAL SAID, "THIS IS CODE-WORD INFORMATION."
"CODE WORD" MEANS LIKE THE VITAL ASPECTS OF THE STORY HAVE TO BE
REPLACED WITH OTHER WORDS.
YOU HAVE TO SAY THINGS LIKE "THE PACKAGE HAS BEEN
DELIVERED."
"THE SQUIRREL IS IN THE BASKET."
"THE IDIOT IS IN THE OVAL."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT COULD MEAN ANYTHING.
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'M GUESSING WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT MORE ON THAT
STORY TOMORROW.
BUT THE OTHER BIG STORY CONTINUES TO BE TRUMP'S FIRING
OF F.B.I. DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY.
EVERY DAY, WE LEARN MORE AND UNDERSTAND LESS.
RIGHT NOW, EVERYONE'S BUZZING ABOUT A DINNER THE TWO SHARED
SHORTLY AFTER THE INAUGURATION, WHEN TRUMP ASKED COMEY TO PLEDGE
HIS LOYALTY TO HIM.
"JAMES, I THOUGHT WE'D START WITH A CAESAR SALAD, THEN THE
FLANK STEAK, THEN, FOR DESSERT, TWO DELICIOUS SCOOPS OF
UNDERMINING THE INTEGRITY OF THE F.B.I."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PEOPLE CLOSE TO COMEY SAY HE REFUSED TO PLEDGE HIS LOYALTY
BUT, INSTEAD, PROMISED THE PRESIDENT HIS HONESTY.
BUT TRUMP PRESSED ON, ASKING FOR COMEY'S, "HONEST LOYALTY."
THAT'S THE ART OF THE DEAL.
"OKAY.
I WANT LOYALTY, YOU WANT HONESTY.
LET'S MEET IN THE MIDDLE AT "LOYESTY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THIS WEEKEND TRUMP CLEARED THE WHOLE THING UP ON FOX NEWS.
>> PEOPLE SUGGEST THAT THE QUESTION, APPARENTLY, THE "NEW
YORK TIMES" IS SELLING, THAT YOU ASKED COMEY WHETHER OR NOT YOU
HAD HIS LOYALTY WAS POSSIBLY INAPPROPRIATE.
COULD YOU SEE HOW-- >> NO I DON'T THINK, I READ THAT
ARTICLE.
I DON'T THINK IT'S INAPPROPRIATE, NUMBER ONE--
>> DID YOU ASK THAT QUESTION?
>> NO, NO, I DIDN'T, BUT I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE A BAD
QUESTION TO ASK.
>> STEPHEN: "YOUR HONOR, I DID NOT BURN DOWN THAT HOSPITAL, BUT
I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE A BAD HOSPITAL TO BURN DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) IT LOOKS PERFECTLY FLAMMABLE AND
MY FRIENDS, THE FLAMES, WOULD DANCE FOR ME."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) WE DON'T KNOW WHAT GOT SAID AT
THE DINNER, BUT TRUMP CLAIMS COMEY ALSO SAID TRUMP WASN'T
UNDER INVESTIGATION.
AND TO MAKE SURE COMEY ZIPS THE OLD TOOTH PURSE, TRUMP TWEETED
THIS THREAT ON FRIDAY: "JAMES COMEY BETTER HOPE THAT
THERE ARE NO "TAPES" OF OUR CONVERSATIONS BEFORE HE STARTS
LEAKING TO THE PRESS!" THAT WOULD BE HUGE.
IT WOULD BE THE FIRST TIME A LEAKED TAPE EVER MADE DONALD
TRUMP LOOK GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) NOBODY KNOWS HOW WIDESPREAD THIS
ALLEGED TAPING IS.
IS HE RECORDING STAFF MEMBERS?
VISITING HEADS OF STATE?
IS THERE A BOOTLEG OF TED NUGENT LIVE IN THE OVAL OFFICE?
( LAUGHTER ) I'D BUY THAT.
>> Jon: THAT WOULD BE NICE.
HE MIGHT SOUND GOOD ON THAT.
I'M INTERESTED.
>> Stephen: WANGO TANGO!
( APPLAUSE ) AND WHILE IT'S AN INSANE THING
FOR THE PRESIDENT TO THREATEN, IT'S CRAZIER THAT WE DON'T KNOW
IF IT REALLY HAPPENED.
ON FRIDAY, SEAN SPICER WAS ASKED A SIMPLE YES OR NO QUESTION: IS
THE PRESIDENT RECORDING HIS CONVERSATIONS?
>> THE PRESIDENT HAS NOTHING FURTHER TO ADD ON THAT.
>> WHY DID HE SAY THAT?
WHY DID HE TWEET THAT?
WHAT SHOULD WE INTERPRET FROM THAT?
>> AS I MENTIONED, THE PRESIDENT HAS NOTHING FURTHER TO ADD ON
THAT.
>> ARE THERE RECORDING DEVICES IN THE OVAL OFFICE OR IN THE
RESIDENCE?
>> AS I'VE SAID FOR THE THIRD TIME, THERE IS NOTHING FURTHER
TO ADD ON THAT.
>> DOES HE THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE TO THREATEN SOMEONE
LIKE MR. COMEY NOT TO SPEAK?
>> I DON'T THINK-- THAT'S, THAT'S NOT A THREAT.
HE SIMPLY STATED A FACT.
THE TWEET SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.
I'M MOVING ON.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S A GOOD THING THAT TWEET SPEAKS FOR ITSELF
BECAUSE SEAN SPICER CERTAINLY DOESN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MOVING ON.
( PIANO RIFF ) WELL, FOR SOME REASON, THE PRESS
CORPS JUST WOULDN'T TAKE "NO ANSWER" FOR AN ANSWER, AND TODAY
SOMEONE ASKED SPICER ABOUT POTENTIAL CONGRESSIONAL
SUBPEONAS.
>> I THINK I MADE IT CLEAR LAST WEEK THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS
NOTHING FURTHER ON THAT, HUNTER.
>> WAIT, WAIT, SEAN, DOES THAT MEAN THAT THE PRESIDENT WILL
DENY THE REQUESTS?
>> I THINK, I SAID, I WAS VERY CLEAR THAT WE -- THE
PRESIDENT WOULD HAVE NOTHING FURTHER ON THAT LAST WEEK.
>> YOU'RE DESCRIBING A SITUATION IN WHICH THE PRESIDENT WOULD
DEFY THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH'S REQUEST, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING.
>> I UNDERSTAND THAT.
ALEXIS, I MADE IT CLEAR WHAT THE PRESIDENT'S POSITION IS ON THAT
ISSUE.
>> STEPHEN: SEAN, JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING HAPPENED THREE DAYS
AGO DOESN'T MEAN REPORTERS AREN'T ALLOWED TO KEEP TALKING
ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, BACHELOR COUPLE BEN AND LAUREN JUST BROKE UP TODAY, AND
I'M GOING TO BE PROCESSING THAT FOR MONTHS.
SO THE PRESS KEPT PRESSING.
>> WHY WON'T YOU JUST EXPLAIN WHETHER OR NOT THERE ARE
RECORDINGS?
>> I THINK THE PRESIDENT HAS MADE IT CLEAR WHAT HIS POSITION
IS.
>> THAT'S NOT MY QUESTION.
SO WHY WON'T YOU EXPLAIN?
>> I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT THAT'S WHAT THE PRESIDENT'S
POSITION IS.
>> SO, GIVEN YOU REFUSE TO CONFIRM OR DENY ANY OF THIS, HOW
IS ANY SENIOR OFFICIAL SUPPOSED TO FEEL COMFORTABLE HAVING A
CONVERSATION PRIVATELY WITH THE PRESIDENT?
>> AS I'VE SAID, HALLIE, THE PRESIDENT HAS MADE IT CLEAR WHAT
HIS POSITION IS.
>> Stephen: NO.
LOOK, WE KNOW HE'S SCREWING THE COUNTRY OVER HERE, BUT HE HASN'T
MADE IT CLEAR WHAT HIS POSITION IS.
IS IT MISSIONARY?
DOGGIE-STYLE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RIF( PIANO RIFF )
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT?!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SOUNDS LIKE HE'S PULLING A
REVERSE CONSTITUTIONAL.
( LAUGHTER ) POINT IS, THE ENTIRE WEEK HAS
BEEN A MESSAGING DISASTER.
AND SOURCES SAY TRUMP IS FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY AT EVERYONE
AND THAT HE'S CONSIDERING A HUGE REBOOT.
YEAH, IT'S YET ANOTHER 70'S REBOOT: "WATERGATE 2: RESIGN
HARDER."
THIS SUMMER, HE IS A CROOK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: GOT TWO PEACE SIGNS.
THAT'S STRANGE.
>> Stephen: TO BE FAIR, NIXON AT LEAST
ATTEMPTED A COVERUP.