YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS ALWAYS TOLD ME TO NEVER TALK POLITICS AT THE
DINNER TABLE, WHICH IS WHY I DON'T HAVE A DINNER TABLE OUT
HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE'VE STILL GOT NINE MONTHS
UNTIL THE ELECTION.
BUT BETWEEN NOW AND THEN, THE BRAVE CANDIDATES HAVE A LONG,
STRANGE TRIP FULL OF UNEXPECTED DANGERS.
THIS IS THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> THE AMERICAN DREAM IS DEAD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT OPENING
GRAPHIC WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
NOW, ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE TOMORROW, ALL EYES ARE ON MY
HOME STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA.
AND I ENCOURAGE ALL PALMETTO STATE REPUBLICANS TO GET OUT AND
VOTE.
YOU CAN HAVE AN IMPORTANT VOICE IN WHO I'LL BE MAKING JOKES
ABOUT FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.
I THINK YOU KNOW WHO MY CHOICE IS.
AND THIS IS STILL ANYBODY'S RACE.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE HOTTEST THING ON SOCIAL MEDIA RIGHT
NOW IS CURRENT PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND FUTURE
CO-OP BOARD TREASURER, JEB BUSH.
JEB KNOWS HE REALLY NEEDS TO WIN SOUTH CAROLINA, SO HE'S BRINGING
OUT THE BIG GUNS, BY WHICH I MEAN TWEETING THIS PHOTO OF AN
ACTUAL GUN, WITH HIS NAME ENGRAVED ON IT.
JEB IS EITHER REACHING OUT TO GUN OWNERS, OR HE'S GOING TO
CAMP AND HIS MOM WROTE HIS NAME ON EVERYTHING.
AND THE THE STAKES COULD NOT BE HIGHER FOR MARCO RUBIO.
IN IOWA, HE STORMED INTO THIRD PLACE.
IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, HE THUNDERED INTO FIFTH PLACE.
AND HE'S SURGING TOWARDS SECOND AFTER POURING A LOT OF OTHER
PEOPLE'S MONEY INTO THIS NEW AD.
>> IT'S MORNING AGAIN IN AMERICA.
TODAY MORE MEN AND WOMEN ARE OUT OF WORK THAN EVER BEFORE IN OUR
NATION'S HISTORY.
PEOPLE PAYING MORE IN TAXES THAN THEY WILL FOR FOOD, HOUSING, AND
CLOTHING COMBINED.
IT'S MORNING AGAIN IN AMERICA, AND UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF
BARACK OBAMA AND HILLARY CLINTON, OUR COUNTRY IS MORE
VULNERABLE, DIVIDED AND DIMINISHED THAN EVER BEFORE.
>> Stephen: YES, AN UPLIFTING MESSAGE OF HOPE.
IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA.
BUT YOU'VE GOT NO JOB, ISIS IS GOING TO KILL US ALL, GO BACK TO
BED, GRAB A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIEL'S.
PUT A NIPPLE ON IT.
AND I'M SURE THIS AD WILL BOOST THE SENATOR, BECAUSE IT PROVIDES
A HOPEFUL VISION FOR AMERICA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH!
EXCEPT FOR MAYBE THE ONE YOU'RE SEEING IN THIS AD, WHICH
USES STOCK FOOTAGE OF CANADA.
YES.
IT TURNS OUT THAT SKYLINE IS VANCOUVER AND THAT AMERICAN
BOAT OF OPTIMISM HAS A CANADIAN FLAG ON BACK.
MAYBE IT'S TRYING TO TUG VANCOUVER INTO THE UNITED
STATES!
THE POINT IS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THAT REGARDLESS OF
THE FOOTAGE, I BELIEVE THIS AD SPEAKS TO ALL AMERICANS, AS
SURELY AS THE EAGLE SOARS, MARCO RUBIO IS AS AMERICAN AS BASEBALL
BASEBALL, APPLE PIE, AND MOM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE WILL STRENGTHEN OUR ARMED
FORCES.
HE WILL SECURE OUR VULNERABLE SOUTHERN BORDER, BRING BACK
GOOD AMERICAN JOBS, FIX OUR EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM, AND MAKE
THIS COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN.
BECAUSE IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA.
VOTE RUBIO.
YOU WON'T BE SOURRY.