( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOU EVER WOKEN UP AND SAID TO YOURSELF, "WHAT CAN I DO-- EVEN
IN MY OWN SMALL WAY-- TO MAKE RICH PEOPLE RICHER?"
WELL, IF THE ANSWER IS NEVER, THEN YOU DIDN'T WRITE DONALD
TRUMP'S TAX PLAN.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY IN INDIANA, THE
PRESIDENT REVEALED THE PLAN AND MADE A SOLEMN PROMISE --
>> I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING.
AND IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME.
BELIEVE ME.
>> STEPHEN: I BELIEVE YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) DOING THE RIGHT THING NEVER
SEEMS TO BE GOOD FOR DONALD TRUMP.
"OKAY, WHAT DO PEOPLE LIKE?
RACIAL EQUALITY AND FOOTBALL.
OKAY, HOW DO I RUIN BOTH OF THOSE AT ONCE?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOT SURE WHAT WE'RE APPLAUDING
FOR BUT I'M ALL FOR IT.
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE TRUMP IS-- HOW SHOULD I PUT THIS?
LYING.
BECAUSE, BASED ON THE LAST TRUMP TAX RETURN WE KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT, THIS PLAN "WOULD HAVE SAVED HIM $31 MILLION IN TAXES."
THAT'S $31 MILLION TO HIMSELF.
THOSE ARE LOTTO NUMBERS.
I MEAN, THAT'S NOT JUST POWERBALL, THAT'S "I'M IN
POWERBALL."
( LAUGHTER ) EVEN THOUGH THE G.O.P. TAX PLAN
WILL BENEFIT ONLY THE WEALTHY FEW, THEY'RE PITCHING IT TO
EVERYBODY ELSE.
SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS WHAT GROUP SENATE REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO
COURT WITH THIS MESSAGE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA CENTER TIM SCOTT
>> I LIKE TO PUT IT VERY SIMPLE -- WE WANT TO HELP YOU
HASHTAG "KEEP YO' MONEY."
>> STEPHEN: "KEEP YO' MONEY," OF COURSE, WAS THE CATCH PHRASE OF
THE POPULAR '90S SHOW "YO!
MTV TAX."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT LIKE SENATOR SCOTT IS
THE ONLY REPUBLICAN WHO COULD HAVE DELIVERED THAT MESSAGE.
THEY COULD HAVE GONE WITH THE G.O.P.'S SECOND MOST DIVERSE
SENATOR, CAUCASIAN Q.
WHITINGTON III.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT THEY ALREADY HAVE HIM PROMOTING THE BILL'S ORIGINAL
HASHTAG: "RETAIN THY ESTATE."
( LAUGHTER ) HEY, REMEMBER HOW DURING THE
CAMPAIGN, DONALD TRUMP KEPT COMPLAINING ABOUT HILLARY
CLINTON USING A PRIVATE EMAIL SERVER FOR GOVERNMENT WORK?
THAT LOCK HER UP STUFF?
WELL, THIS WEEK, WE LEARNED THAT AT LEAST SIX OF PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S CLOSEST ADVISERS USED PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESSES TO
DISCUSS WHITE HOUSE MATTERS, INCLUDING IVANKA TRUMP, AND
JARED KUSHNER.
BUT OF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP HAS NO PROBLEM WITH THIS, NOW.
I HAVEN'T SEEN TRUMP GO BACK ON HIS WORD LIKE THIS SINCE HE
DIDN'T BUILD A BORDER WALL OR REPEAL OBAMACARE OR GIVE UP HIS
BUSINESS OR RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS OR NEVER PLAY GOLF.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S FLIP-FLOPPING SO OFTEN
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NICE TO HAVE DONALD TRUMP FANS
HERE TONIGHT.
>> Jon: THEY LOVE HIM.
>> Stephen: HE'S FLIP-FLOPPING SO OFTEN,
NEXT SUNDAY HE'S GOING TO TAKE A KNEE DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) YEAH.
AND THIS PRIVATE EMAIL THING COULD HAVE LEGAL RAMIFICATIONS
BECAUSE KUSHNER DIDN'T DISCLOSE THE FACT THAT HE WAS USING
PERSONAL EMAIL TO THE SENATE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE.
I GET IT.
YOU WANT TO SAVE SOME THINGS FOR THE TRIAL, JUST TO KEEP IT
SPICY.
( LAUGHTER ) SNRMPLETS
AND, APPARENTLY, THE COMMITTEE IS NOT PLEASED.
THEY SENT KUSHNER A LETTER, INSTRUCTING HIM TO TURN OVER ALL
RELEVANT DOCUMENTS FROM HIS PERSONAL EMAIL ACCOUNT AS WELL
AS ALL OTHER EMAIL ACCOUNTS.
BOLD AND UNDERLINED.
YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
THEY'RE WHIPPING OUT THE FONT ON THIS GUY.
YOU BOLD AND UNDERLINED.
YOU ONLY GET RESULTS WITH THE ROUGH STUFF.
I HEAR DOWN IN GITMO, THEY USE ITALICS.
YEAH.
EVEN WORSE FOR JARED, WHEN HIS LAWYER ATTEMPTED TO FORWARD HIM
THE COMMITTEE'S LETTER, HE ACCIDENTALLY SENT IT TO A FAKE
KUSHNER ACCOUNT RUN BY A PRANKSTER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT PRANKSTER IS NOW IN
CHARGE OF THE OPIOD CRISIS AND MIDDLE EAST PEACE.