- [Narrator] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is Breaking News.
(dramatic music)
- Welcome back to Breaking News,
the show where we don't know what we're about to say
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Taylor West.
- And I'm Kanye Swift.
What are the odds the two of us would be paired together?
(point buzzer)
Crazy!
- Well there's a new sheriff in town, literally.
The county supervisors responding to an uptick in crime
have installed old-timey sheriff Wild Bill Bronson.
- He's straight out of 1800s Old West
and has the chafed thighs to prove it.
When asked about his plan to address street crime,
he said, "I plan to put it in God's hands
and if an outlaw needs to find God,
my pistol can arrange an introduction."
- Wild Bill will have a lot to contend with
as the city has been under siege from Bad Brian
and the Bad Brian boys.
- He's a Bad Brian.
- That's for sure,
but by no means the baddest Brian.
The top 10 baddest Brians are, in order:
Brian Mulaney,
Brian Bill Hickock,
Brian Wayne Gacy,
Brian,
Brian von Ryan,
Brian Hitler,
(laughing)
(point buzzer)
Brian Misdirected me
and Brian Bonvivant.
- Three more.
- Brian...
(point buzzer)
(stammers)
Wilson.
Brian...
(all laughing)
Brian Bo Brian
and Brian Grant O'Brien.
- [Ally] Great.
And let's not forget '80s DC band
Bad Brains,
which when written looks a lot like Bad Brians.
- Bad Brians, true.
Great point.
Wild Bill will be rounding up a posse at dawn
to ride out to Hangman's Pass.
If anyone gets in his way,
the Sheriff promisees to introduce them to God.
It's nice that he has a catchphrase.
- Yeah.
(point buzzer)
A reporter asked the sheriff how that
should sound to people
in the age of police brutality,
but everyone else told them to relax
and just have fun with this.
- In other news, the department of power
expects rolling blackouts this weekend.
Here with advice on how to make the most
of being without electricity
is our own Adele Dazeem.
- Remember that reference?
(point buzzer)
It's from a while ago.
- Grant wrote this one.
(point buzzer)
We don't need to wonder anymore.
- We don't need to wonder anymore.
- Thanks guys.
I'm Adele Dazeem.
When the power goes out,
the best way to spend time
is on the lost art of conversation.
So when your lights and screens fail you,
take a highball out on your stoop
and ask your neighbors-
- Grant wrote this.
(point buzzer)
(laughter)
- Probing questions about themselves.
Everyone loves that.
Start with religion,
everyone loves talking about that.
Do they believe in God?
If so, how can they possibly believe in something
they have no proof for?
If not, what makes them think they're smarter
than almost every person in all of history?
If they have their kids with them,
talk to their kids in a very familiar way.
You're neighbors after all.
Let's assume that goes well.
I'm still talking,
but it started a new box for me.
The next thing to do is invite yourself
into their apartment for a cup of coffee.
And once you're inside,
comment on the way their place smells.
Does it smell like dog?
Tell them!
They might try to pivot to something innocuous,
like television.
If they do that,
be sure to throw out your hottest take.
Like "Succession is overrated"
This is Grant.
"why is Soibhan with Tom anyway?
He's such a fuck boy
that it seems like more a plot device
than a real relationship."
Really dig in and insult things your neighbor enjoys.
People like to be challenged.
When the power comes back on say:
"Ooh I guess you can make me another cup of coffee now"
If there's a guest room,
sleep there.
Back to you Taylor and Kanye!
- Thanks Adele.
We now go to our food critic Jack Kemp.
- Wasn't that the name of Bob Dole's running mate in 1996?
Another throwback!
- Another Grant moment.
- Thank you!
I just had the misfortune of dining a La Luna,
the newest restaurant on Broad Street.
Terrible!
They kept trying to serve me wine and seafood,
but there refused to make me my favorite:
a big bowl of oatmeal with a lot of whipped cream on top.
Luckily I have some here.
- In the box you mean?
It would be weird,
this feels like Grant.
(whipped cream canister gushing)
(point buzzer)
- It's weird that I can see it steaming.
(point buzzer)
- Its crazy how the cream collapses
under the weight of more cream,
so it all fits in the bowl.
(point buzzer)
Oh it's about to
there it goes.
(suspenseful music)
- Mmm!
(laughter)
- The tiniest bite!
- That's good.
Back to you.
(all laughing)
- Jack we're a little short on time,
I think you'd better eat that twice as fast as you are.
- Yeah speed it up Jack.
Pick that bowl back up and eat faster.
- Don't mind if I do.
(point buzzer)
I'm so sad this is almost over.
- Kinda regretting
putting all that whipped cream on your bowl
aren't you now Jack?
- Nope.
(point buzzer)
It's actually really good.
- Currently on our screens
it says "finish the bowl
and if anyone tries to move past this bit,
I'm gonna flip out in real life."
(point buzzer)
(suspenseful music)
- Now a lot of this did feel like a Grant script,
but Soibhan was spelled wrong
and we have a mutual friend named Soibhan.
- That's the most Grant shit I can think of.
(all laughing)
(point buzzer)
(erupting with laughter)
(point buzzer)
- That's the way the character spells her name.
- No, I don't think so.
- So Grant did write this script.
- [Ally] So Grant absolutely...
Oh I'm sorry what has this script touched?
Porridge,
highballs,
a Bob Dole reference,
this is a Grant memoir.
- Check it out:
if that food's solid,
it's not for Grant.
(point buzzer)
(suspenseful music)
(point buzzer)
(bowl clatters)
- Mmm, tasty.
(all laughing)
(point buzzer)
And it'll look basically the same
the entire way through my tummy.
- Thanks Jack.
Before we go,
we'll announce that our loser this week
is Ally.
- [Ally] What?
- [Mike] Because they couldn't stop laughing.
- No!
- Thanks for watching.
(burps)
(all laughing)