-Oh, it's so good to be here. I'm very anxious.
And I was walking down the street the other day,
and this girl was walking in front of me.
And she was on the phone, and I listened to her conversation.
And it was literally like, "Oh, my God.
I was on Instagram and I posted this post.
And I look so good.
Like, I look so good, I look so pretty,
and, like, nobody commented.
Nobody. Nobody commented, like, Julie, Amy, Melissa.
Nobody commented. I was, like, freaking out.
[ Speaks indistinctly ] ...Instagram."
So I tapped her on the shoulder and I said,
"I've been following you!"
And she ran away. She ran away.
'Cause I get depressed, too.
You know, I'm normally in dark colors.
My friend said to me the other day,
"Why do you always wear black?"
And I'm like, "Oh, 'cause I feel great about my body
and I'm filled with hope."
I mean, I have a master's in social work,
and now I'm a traveling clown.
I literally travel around and tell jokes.
It's crazy.
I'm trying to take care of myself,
so I downloaded this app where you count your calories.
The problem is -- I lie on it. How sick is that?
I lie on my own app. That is sick.
Like, the other day, I had three bagels, a roast, and a pie,
and I wrote down one baby carrot.
Like, "It's okay, Jessica. You really are talented.
You are, and you need to top putting yourself down.
You deserve success. It's all going to be okay.
You need to stop eating salads in public.
You're not fooling anyone.
You know, oatmeal is healthy, unless you add
6 cups of brown sugar.
Then it becomes pie.
You had a miniature pie for breakfast
and told three people you had oatmeal.
You're a liar."
Okay, so, my mother's a therapist.
My mother is a therapist and she saw clients
in the basement my whole life.
This is totally true. So I had to be quiet every day.
She'd say things like, "Susan's coming,
and she's having a really hard time,
so I'm gonna need you to be quiet.
Take off your shoes. No running around.
No flushing the toilet. No opening chips.
Susan's in turmoil."
I'm like, "Well, I just ate six pizzas
and beheaded my Barbies, but good luck to Susan."
The Roots are laughing.
So, I -- That's all I care about
is that The Roots are laughing.
So, I do a lot of shows in Florida for very old people.
Most of them are 80, 90. Some have passed.
And I have to make them laugh, and they have all the same face,
even when they're saying something positive.
"It's gorgeous outside. Look at this weather.
The sun is out. The test came back negative.
I'm gonna live."
They talk during the whole show, because they can't stop --
And they talk loud 'cause they're deaf.
This is totally true.
So I'll be in the middle of my act
and I'll hear them having a whole conversation like,
"Did she just say she's from New Jersey?"
"I think she did say she's from New Jersey."
"What part of New Jersey?
Do you think she knows the Eisensteins?"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
They sound like cats being assaulted.
Just "Aaaaah!
Aaaah! Bingo!"
"You knew that tag line wasn't gonna work,
and you did it anyway.
Don't sabotage yourself. You deserve success.
It's all gonna be okay.
You just ate a bag of chips
and told yourself it was a serving of corn."
You know, I went to visit my grandmother,
and all these old women sit around and play cards,
and they all sound like little bees when they talk.
They hunch over. [ Speaks indistinctly ]
"Salmon."
So I go to find her, and she's not there.
And I go up to her friend Rona and I said,
"Rona, do you know where my grandmother is?"
And she goes, "I don't know, darling,
but I'll let her know you were looking for her.
[ Speaks indistinctly ] ...trust fund."
So, I walk away and I hear her yell out -- unbelievable --
"That's Bea Farbman's granddaughter.
She's a lesbian magician."
You guys are great. Thank you so much.
♪♪ Thank you.
-"Jessica Kirson: Talking to Myself"
premieres December 6th on Comedy Central.