Stephen: WELCOME TO, "THE LATE SHOW."
EVERYBODY HERE, EVERYBODY OUT THERE EVERYBODY WATCHING FROM
NEW ZEALAND, I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> LOVELY PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: NOW I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS WERE
WATCHING LAST WEEK, SINCE OUR LAST SHOW, WE'VE
CHANGED LOCATIONS.
ON THURSDAY, WE WERE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
AND TONIGHT, WE'RE IN MEDIEVAL TIMES EVERYONE GETS HALF A
CHICKEN AND A PITCHER OF SPRITE.
BECAUSE ON FRIDAY MORNING, LED BY SAMUEL ALITO, THE SUPREME
COURT OVERTURNED ROE V. WADE, REVERSING ALMOST 50 YEARS OF
PRECEDENT.
( AUDIENCE ERUPTS IN BOOING ) SO, REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS IN
AMERICA LASTED FOR LESS TIME THAN THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS.
JACK ABBOTT'S EVIL TWIN IS GONNA BE SO SHOCKED WHEN HE COMES OUT
OF HIS FIFTH COMA.
ITS DRAFT OPINIONING WAS WE LEASED BACK IN.
I READ IT OVER THE WEEKEND, AND BASICALLY ALL THAT HAS CHANGED
SINCE THEN IS THE FONT.
THE SUPREME COURT WENT FROM TIMES NEW ROMAN TO VERY OLD
TIMES ROMAN.
SO, THE THING IS, I ALREADY DID AN ENTIRE MONOLOGUE ON THIS
EXACT RULING, A MONTH AND A HALF AGO.
IT'S PRETTY GOOD, YOU SHOULD GO CHECK IT OUT.
I'M REALLY MAD AT THOSE GUYS FOR ALL THE JOKES THEY THOUGHT OF
BACK THEN.
THEY WOULD REALLY HAVE BEEN HELPFUL TO HAVE TONIGHT.
DAMN YOU, SLIGHTLY YOUNGER ME NOW, EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT
OVERTURNING ROE V. WADE, BUT THIS DECISION ALSO OVERTURNS
PLANNED PARENTHOOD V. CASEY, WHICH WAS THE 1992 CASE THAT
UPHELD ROE.
AND THE HEART OF THAT CASE IS THIS: PEOPLE OF GOOD CONSCIENCE
CAN DISAGREE ON THIS PROFOUND MORAL AND PHILOSOPHICAL ISSUE,
BUT, THE COURT SAID, OUR OBLIGATION IS TO DEFINE THE
LIBERTY OF ALL, NOT TO MANDATE OUR OWN MORAL CODE.
THE UNDERLYING CONSTITUTIONAL ISSUE IS WHETHER THE STATE CAN
RESOLVE THESE PHILOSOPHIC QUESTIONS IN SUCH A DEFINITIVE
WAY THAT A WOMAN LACKS ALL CHOICE IN THE MATTER.
AND WHAT THE COURT APPEARS TO BE DOING NOW IS MANDATING ITS OWN
MORAL CODE.
OF COURSE, THEY MIGHT ARGUE, NO WE DIDN'T.
WE SPECIFICALLY ENDED OUR OPINION BY SAYING, WE RETURN THE
ISSUE OF ABORTION OVER TO THE PEOPLE'S ELECTED
RPRESENTATIVES.
HAVE YOU MET THE PEOPLE'S ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES?
I HAVE.
LOUIE GOHMERT IS ONE OF THEM.
I'M NOT SURE IF HE KNOWS WHERE BABIES COME FROM BUT EVEN THE
FACT-- FACT THAT WE GOT A LEAKED COPY 8
WEEKS AGO DID NOT EMOTIONALLY PREPARE THE COUNTRY FOR LAST
FRIDAY'S SEISMIC SHIFT.
IN ITS POLITICAL LANDSCAPE BECAUSE, WITH THIS RULING, FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, THE SUPREME COURT HAS ELIMINATED AN
ESTABLISHED CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT INVOLVING THE AUTONOMY TO DECIDE
WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR BODY.
AND HAVING MORE PERSONAL RIGHTS IS KIND OF AMERICA'S THING.
WE INVENTED IT.
AMERICANS HAVING RIGHTS TAKEN AWAY IS LIKE K.F.C. CHANGING
THEIR SLOGAN FROM, "WE DO CHICKEN RIGHT," TO, "THERE IS NO
CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO CHICKEN.
"IT'S FINGER LICKIN' GONE!" THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND-- .
IN THE DECISION, ALITO NOTED THAT ABORTION IS NOT DEEPLY
ROOTED IN THIS NATION'S HISTORY AND TRADITION AND THEREFORE IS
NOT PROTECTED AS A RIGHT.
HEY, SAM, MAYBE NOT EVERYTHING WE DO IN AMERICA HAS TO BE
INSPIRED BY THE STUFF THEY DID 200 YEARS AGO.
THAT'S WHY THE C.D.C. HASN'T RELEASED GUIDELINES ON HOW TO
TREAT MONKEYPOX WITH LEECH-CRAFT.
TURNS OUT TAKING AWAY RIGHTS FROM TAKING AWAY RIGHTS WASN'T
POPULAR THIS WEEKEND, PROTESTS ERUPTED
EVERYWHERE FROM WASHINGTON DC TO NEW YORK, SAN FRANCISCO, DENVER,
BOSTON, PHILADELPHIA, EVEN SALT LAKE CITY.
LOOK AT THAT CROWD IN SALT LAKE CITY.
(APPLAUSE) DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE
TOO CONSERVATIVE FOR UTAH?
THEY THINK JAZZ IS BASKETBALL.
IN FACT, IN RECENT POLLS, MORE THAN EIGHT IN 10 AMERICANS
BELIEVE ABORTION SHOULD BE LEGAL TO SOME DEGREE.
BUT WE KNOW MAJORITIES DON'T MATTER.
THAT'S HOW WE GOT THIS SUPREME COURT.
THIS RULING HAD IMMEDIATE --
(APPLAUSE) WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
THIS RULING HAD IMMEDIATE CONSEQUENCES.
AS SOON AS IT HAPPENED, MULTIPLE STATES EITHER PARTLY OR FULLY
BANNED ABORTION BY ENACTING WHAT ARE CALLED, TRIGGER LAWS.
TRIGGER BECAUSE THEY GO INTO EFFECT IMMEDIATELY, NOT THAT
THEY CONTROL GUNS.
YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT.
THESE LAWS VARY GREATLY, BUT -- TRIGGERS.
THESE LAWS VARY GREATLY, BUT MULTIPLE STATES ARE TRYING TO
STEM THE FLOW OF ABORTION-INDUCING PILLS BY
MAKING THEIR SHIPMENT THROUGH THE MAIL ILLEGAL.
THAT'S PRETTY SMART, BECAUSE IF THEY BAN THE PILLS, THE ONLY WAY
AROUND THAT WOULD BE IF SOMEONE IN AMERICA WERE WILLING TO SELL
DRUGS ILLEGALLY.
WHICH MY LAWYERS SAY, I HAVE NO KNOWLEDGE OF.
SO IF SOMETHING'S ILLEGAL, THERE'S GOTTA BE A PUNISHMENT,
RIGHT?
LET'S ASK THIS POLITICIAN, WHO I AM SURE NEVER PAID FOR ANYONE'S
ABORTION.
>> THE ANSWER IS THAT THERE HAS TO BE SOME FORM OF PUNISHMENT.
>> FOR THE WOMAN.
>> YEAH, THERE HAS TO BE SOME FORM.
>> Stephen: PLEASE.
FOUR YEARS OF YOU WAS PUNISHMENT ENOUGH.
(APPLAUSE) SO, WHAT WILL THE PUNISHMENT BE?
REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT THAT QUESTION.
A LEAKED MEMO FROM THE NATIONAL REPUBLICAN SENATORIAL COMMITTEE
SAID, OUR POSITION SHOULD BE BASED IN COMPASSION AND REASON.
REPUBLICANS DO NOT WANT TO THROW DOCTORS AND WOMEN IN JAIL.
MOTHERS SHOULD BE HELD HARMLESS UNDER THE LAW.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, HELD HARMLESS BUT ILLEGAL?
I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULDN'T WANT WOMEN TAKEN AWAY
IN CUFFS, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE SUPER UNPOPULAR.
SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?
A FINE?
150 BUCKS AND TWO POINTS ON YOUR SEX LICENSE?
'CUZ THERE'S GONNA HAVE TO BE A SEX LICENSE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THE LINES ARE GOING TO BE LIKE AT THE SEX
D.M.V.?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE PICTURE MY PENIS IS BLINKING BUT WE GOTTA
DO IT, BUT HOW ELSE CAN YOU KEEP TRACK OF WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE
PREGNANT?
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO INSTALL THOSE RED LIGHT CAMERAS IN YOUR
BEDROOM.
OR IF IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.
IT'LL BE LIKE MANDATORY ONLYFANS.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE BAD, BECAUSE EXPERTS SAY BIRTH
CONTROL RESTRICTIONS COULD FOLLOW ABORTION BANS, AND EXPECT
STATES TO CHALLENGE EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTION, I.U.D.s,
AND PLAN B.
WHICH MEANS FOLKS NOT WANTING TO GET PREGNANT WILL HAVE TO RELY
ON PLAN C: SAMUEL ALITO NAKED.
100 PERCENT EFFECTIVE.
(APPLAUSE) I BET I LOOK LIKE THAT.
DID THEY USE MY BODY?
DID THEY USE MY BODY IN THAT NOTTEE.
ABORTION BANS COULD ALSO PUNISH THOSE WHO PARTICIPATE IN
IN-VITRO FERTILIZATION.
EXPLAINS TV'S HOTTEST NEW CRIME PROCEDURAL:
"LAW AND ORDER: IVF."
>> IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM, WOMEN ARE PROSECUTED FOR
TWO SEPARATE, YET EQUALLY STUPID REASONS; 'NOT' WANTING TO HAVE
CHILDREN AND WANTING TO HAVE CHILDREN.
THE WHOLE THING IS, "DUMB DUMB."
OF COURSE, THROWING THIS BACK DOWN TO THE
STATES IS ALREADY CREATING SO MUCH CHAOS AND CONFUSION THAT
MANY WOMEN IN AMERICA DON'T KNOW WHAT THE COURT ALLOWS THEM TO DO
ANYMORE.
AD FOR THOSE WOMEN, HERE'S A WORD FROM OUR NEWEST SPONSOR.
>> WHAT'S IT GOING TO SAY?
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY LONGER.
>> WHEN YOU'RE WONDERING HOW THE RECENT SUPREME COURT RULING WILL
EFFECT YOU, IT'S TIME TO REACH FOR THE CLEAR RIGHTS HOME TEST.
THE ONLY AT-HOME KIT DESIGNED TO ALERT YOU WHETHER YOU GET TO
MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION.
>> OKAY BUT IT'S MY BODY.
>> IS IT?
TAKE THE TEST AND FIND OUT.
JUST GO INTO A BATHROOM, DO WHATEVER GIRLS DO IN THERE, THEN
WAIT FIVE MINUTES AND ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO READ THE RESULTS.
>> OH I DON'T HAVE A HUGS.
>> YEAH, THERE'S A SHOCKER.
OUR DIGITAL DISPLAY WILL GIVE YOU FAST RESULTS LIKE POSITIVE
FOR RIGHTS.
POSITIVELY NO RIGHTS.
REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN AND ASK THE FEDERALIST SOCIETY.
>> WAIT, WHY ARE RIGHTS IN MY PEE.
>> I DON'T KNOW Y ARE BABIES IN PEE.
>> IT SAYS I HAVE RIGHTS.
OH WAIT, OFFER NOT VALID IN ALABAMA, ARIZONA, ARKANSAS,
FLORIDA, GEORGIA, IDAHO, INDIANA.
>> AND OUR SUPREME VERSION COMES WITH A LITTLE PICTURE OF JUSTICE
SAMUEL ALITO ON THE STICK.
OH NO, YOU CAN'T REUSE THAT.
>> NO OH NO, I JUST WANT TO PEE ON HIM AGAIN.
>> YOUR RIGHTS HOME TEST, ON THE MAKERS OF IS YOUR GAY MARRIAGE
LEGAL?
COMING SOONER THAN YOU THINK.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS
ARE WANDA SYKES AND RONAN FARROW.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?