and today we're going to be talking
about how to be happier so researchers
studied the question does trying to be
happy actually work and if you decide to
consciously work on being happier would
you actually be happier down the road
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so they asked this question in four
different countries and the results were
really fascinating they found that if
you tried to be happier in the united
states you actually felt worse in
germany it had a mixed effect but in
russia taiwan and japan trying to be
happier actually worked so why would
that be
now the researchers believe it's due to
the cultural difference between the east
and the west so in the west in america
for example we're very individualistic
we say oh be a rebel you do you we
proclaim freedom both from tyranny but
also from dependence on a connection to
other people we're lonelier than we've
ever been people have less friends than
ever
but in the east the culture is more
about the group as a whole so the
cultural values say
be a team player be harmonious we are
all connected you belong here and
happiness and success is seen as a group
effort it's a family effort so as
americans i think it can be really hard
to see through the individualistic
culture that we're swimming and it
colors the way we see everything and the
way we think and the way we interact and
so this study found that when people in
america or britain
when they try to be happier they do it
for themselves for their own ego because
they think that's how it works and
you'll see these messages all over the
internet self-help world world they say
things like you deserve to feel good do
self-care set boundaries
withdraw and then if you want to feel
happy you get stuff for yourself you buy
yourself something you try to achieve
some individual accomplishments so you
can feel good about yourselves
and
sometimes this message of like you
accomplish something is specifically
about being better than others
which is inherently isolating and
divisive
but in eastern cultures if you
intentionally try to be happier on
average people do something different
they tried to make things better for
their group
so when people in japan or taiwan or
russia tried to be happier they'd spend
time with friends and family they'd they
try to make the people they care about
feel good or they'd help others who were
in need
and it worked so one of the researchers
brett ford said the more you think
happiness is a social thing the better
off you are
and in my opinion this is one reason why
western self-help can backfire because
it feeds more isolation
more self-focused more inward thinking
and that leaves us more and more trapped
and isolated
in the echo chamber of our minds
so johan hari the author of lost
connection said
until i learned this when i felt
depression and anxiety start to set in i
felt a panicked need to keep my head
above water so i would try to do
something for myself i would buy
something or watch a movie i like or
read a book i like or talk to a friend
about my distress
it was an attempt to treat the isolated
self and it didn't work very often in
fact these acts were often the start of
a deeper slide
but once i knew brett's research i saw
the error i'd been making so now when i
feel myself starting to slide down i
don't do something for myself
i try to do something for someone else i
go to see a friend and i try to focus
very hard on how they're feeling and on
making them feel better
i try to do something for my network for
my group or even try to help strangers
who look distressed
i've learned something i couldn't have
thought was possible at the start
even if you are in pain you can almost
always make someone else feel a little
bit better
or i would try to channel it into more
overt political actions to make society
better
when i applied this technique i realized
that often but not always
it stopped the slide downward
it worked much more effectively than
trying to build myself up alone
now i gotta clarify something really
quick some people with depression
they're never thinking of themselves
they're very selfless but in a way that
crushes themselves they put themselves
down they're always submitting or
stuffing their own thoughts or needs or
desires and this is a pseudo connection
it's not true closeness but rather it's
a form of hiding and withdrawal so even
if on the surface it seems nice like
this is not what i'm talking about
these people would benefit from more
real connection
from reaching out for support
um asking for help hugging
mutual connections not this one-sided
self-depreciating
kind of ickiness right real happiness
comes from real connection but it
doesn't have to be complicated so here
are some examples
of how you can improve your connections
and find happiness with others
make some food for someone plan in real
quality time with a family member hug
someone schedule in some social time and
this can be really hard if you're
depressed right you think no one wants
to be around you or you think it's too
exhausting to be around others but you
if you set a small goal and work towards
it your efforts will be rewarded so i
you know i just think like put something
on the calendar i'm gonna go hang out
with such and such uh on this day right
um if you're invited to an outing make
yourself go stop saying no to things
like that
you can invite a friend over to share a
meal
spend some time with loving family you
could try to think of a nice gift to
give someone it doesn't have to be
expensive i mean it could just be
something like write someone a note of
appreciation
another nice thing you can do is to
leave a positive review for a business
you like
or sincerely thank service staff at the
store or the restaurant
i also really love um
the good news channel and upworthy i
kind of i'm i really decrease the amount
of news i'm watching and i really like
to follow these channels that highlight
the good things that people are doing
for each other in the world
um here's another one say something
really kind to someone on social media
or even better in person
find a cause you care about and work
with others to accomplish it so i get it
right this requires purpose and meaning
and a group of like-minded people and
this can feel overwhelming
um but you can just start with baby
steps so you could start by writing out
some things that really matter to you
like what do you get really excited
about what do you care about is there a
cause out there that makes you really
mad
what are your values so
after you kind of figure out what you
care about then you can check uh for
groups in your area to do this
so in um
in the us there's like the united way
and there's meetup groups uh churches or
a local political group
a local dungeons dragons group uh you
could go to an art night or a recipe
night right like just there are so many
opportunities to get involved doing
things you care about
and these can really help you
get more connected with other people do
good in the world
and also you know maybe feel happier so
for example you could volunteer at a
local school
to uh read to the kids or you could
volunteer to help esl speakers learn a
new language like there's just so many
ways you can strengthen your connections
and to do good in the world and foster
true happiness so
i mean i would just say don't wait for
the perfect opportunity just plan one
little thing you're gonna do
okay i hope this helps you shift your
thinking a little
when you want to feel happier
stop focusing inward find a way to build
stronger connections
do things with and for other people and
get engaged in a cause that matters
now i'd love to hear your ideas on what
helps you to connect with other people
in an uplifting way so go ahead and
leave those in the comments below thank
you for watching and take care
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