-Our next guest has his new stand-up special,
"Thank You China," available now on YouTube.
Making his "Tonight Show" debut,
please welcome the very funny Nimesh Patel.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi, hi, hi. Thank you guys so much.
My parents caught me smoking weed
on a YouTube livestream at age 35.
[ Laughter ]
My dad called me immediately.
"Nimesh, what are you smoking?"
I said, "It's weed, Dad."
He said, "you need to quit."
I said, "Okay, Dad, I'll quit smoking weed
when you quit smoking cigarettes."
He said the most dad thing ever.
He said, "I'm not gonna argue with you."
[ Laughter ]
I said, "Yeah, Dad, we just had the argument.
You lost." [ Laughter ]
"It's fine. Take the 'L,' bro."
He said, "I'll get you back." Then he hung up.
And a few minutes later, I start seeing all the dislikes
on my YouTube videos go up by one.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And then I got a call from my mom.
"Nimesh, what are you smoking?"
And she's mad religious, so I said, "Hindu Kush?"
[ Laughter ]
She said, "Don't get smart. Is that weed?
You need to stop. It's illegal."
I said, "Illegal? So is not paying taxes
on that all-cash liquor store we got going on, but..."
[ Laughter ]
"...I won't tell if you don't."
Without missing a beat, she says,
"Nimesh, the store's in your name.
You don't pay taxes." [ Laughter, audience "Ohhs" ]
Snitching on myself.
And then, she said, "Nimesh, you need to quit.
You have asthma."
I said, "Mom, I read when I was high
that weed is a bronchodilator."
And she goes, "Oh. So now you want to be a doctor?
Hm, that's cute." [ Laughter ]
Speaking of which -- Speaking of which,
clap if you believe that Americans deserve healthcare.
Clap if you believe Americans -- [ Cheers and applause ]
You don't? Me neither.
[ Laughter ]
I think we need it, but I don't think we deserve it.
I know I don't deserve healthcare.
A few years ago, I discovered exactly
how much weed I need to smoke to have an asthma attack.
I had an asthma attack. [ Laughter ]
I went to a Kanye West concert back when it was okay to do.
[ Laughter ]
I smoked four joints in an hour.
And then his song "I Am a God" came on,
and I was like, "I'm not, Kanye. I have to go to the hospital."
[ Laughter ]
And I called an Uber to the hospital
'cause an ambulance is $600,
and I'm not gonna die a sucker, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Get to the hospital.
NYU Langone in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn.
And now I have asthma, so I know exactly what I need.
"Doctor, I'm having an asthma attack."
"You're having an asthma attack."
"I need Albuterol nebulizer."
"You need Albuterol nebulizer."
I'm like, "Is this self-checkout?
What's happening right now?" [ Laughter ]
"Just give me my medicine. He's like, "you'll be fine."
Then he shuffles away in his Ferragamo loafers.
And then in comes a nurse who has a menu of all
the other stuff I could get
since I've stopped in at Casa de NYU.
Blood work, EKG.
The chef recommended X-ray.
But I don't present as a 30-year-old Indian man
having a heart attack.
What they're doing is running up the insurance tab
because insurance will just pay whatever the hospital says.
And whatever they don't pay, they pass on to you.
But, luckily, I said the magic words.
I said, "I don't have insurance."
[ Laughter ]
This lady threw an inhaler at me
and was like, "Get out, you wheezy, broke loser."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Jesus."
Sure.
[ Laughs ]
You're clapping for poor healthcare.
That's great, that's great. [ Laughter ]
In and out in an hour and a half.
Two weeks later, get the bill.
$6,000. [ Audience groans ]
Yeah. I had another asthma attack.
[ Laughter ]
[ Wheezing ]
$6,000 for an hour and a half and not a single orgasm.
[ Laughter ]
But luckily, I was raised by Indian people
who taught me that the price is never the price
until you talk about the price.
I called the hospital. I said, "Listen,
I'm not giving you $6,000." They said, "Why not?"
I said, "Well, for one, you already gave me the medicine.
Two, I don't have $6,000."
Now I had $6,000, but I also know a little bit
about the healthcare system.
I know that if that you get sick at the beginning of the year
like I did, every hospital has this giant pool of money
they have to give away for free care
in order to stay non-profit. Sidebar, if you get sick
and have to go to hospital in like December,
just hold on, okay? [ Laughter ]
Just hold on for dear life.
And I know this because I'm talking to them.
"Listen, I don't have $6,000. I can't give you $6,000.
I don't have $6,000."
They literally said, "How much do you have?"
[ Laughter ]
Did I call the mob? [ Laughter ]
"I got nothing. You can break my knees if you want.
I'm not giving you $6,000."
They're like, "All right, Mr. Patel, no need to be upset.
Listen, if you don't have $6,000, you don't owe us $6,000.
But if you have $6,000, and you're not paying it,
you might be taking $6,000 out of the pocket
of someone who truly can't pay."
I said, "Don't hate the player. Hate the game."
Click! [ Laughter ]
Thank you guys so much. I mean that.
Thank you.
♪♪
-Come on. -Thanks, bud.
-Nimesh Patel! [ Cheers and applause ]
"Thank You China" is available now on YouTube.