- We tend to feel responsible for way too much,
sometimes things that are bad for us.
- Melissa, it's late.
What are you still doing up?
- Scrolling through filters and editing this photo.
It's my responsibility to cultivate the perception
people will have of me.
- Often things that are out of our control...
- But he's destructive and addicted to chaos
and doesn't take accountability.
- But I can fix him.
It's my responsibility as a woman
to rehabilitate a damaged man.
- Even things that don't involve us.
- Want another drink?
- Sure.
- Oh no, you don't.
You are currently a 0.7 alcohol blood content level
that will send you over the legal limit to 0.8.
- I'm taking an Uber home.
- Do you want to die?
The actions of my loved ones are my responsibility.
Shame on you.
- Ugh
- When I think about the prime messages
that have permeated our brains through the media,
social obligations and cultural pressures,
I think of three distinct things
that we are not responsible for.
One: You're not responsible for anyone else's happiness,
but you are responsible for your own.
We get the wrong idea that everyone's experience of us
has to be pleasant.
That as friends, we always have to be positive
that as romantic partners
we're responsible for our partner's mood and wellbeing.
But the truth is everyone's shit
is on their side of the street.
Yes, we can be a source of comfort and a sounding board
and sympathize with others,
but everyone is ultimately responsible
for their own happiness.
Except for Michelle, Michelle is responsible for mine.
- Michelle, can you make me a coffee?
Michelle, can you bring me a charger?
Michelle, can you order me food?
- Two: You're not responsible for anyone's reaction
to your boundaries,
but you are responsible for setting and enforcing them.
Fair warning here,
people who don't benefit from your boundaries
are going to get angry when you actually set them.
For any of you who struggle with this kind of work,
expect pushback when you finally set and enforce
any kind of boundary.
- Michelle, can you reach my phone?
- Your hand is right next to it,
you can literally reach it yourself.
(Anna gasps)
- You're so unkind right now.
- You're perfectly capable
of getting that phone yourself, Anna.
- No, I'm not, Michelle, after everything I've done for you,
you can't you just reach right there and get me my phone?
- Okay, I'm busy right now and so I can't do this.
I'm gonna set a boundary,
I'm not gonna do this stuff for you anymore.
- Wow!
Are we even friends?
(Anna sobs)
I'll get it myself.
(Anna cries)
Michelle!
(Anna continues crying)
I can't reach it!
Michelle, help me!
Michelle , I can't get it!
- And finally three: You are not responsible your trauma,
but you are responsible for your healing.
We all have stories we tell ourselves about our lives,
about what kind of people we are,
about what kinds of things happened to us,
and it's up to you to figure out which of these narratives
are not serving to create the life you wanna lead.
Yes, we are all most likely suffering
from intense trauma, after all you are here on this channel,
but it is up to us to heal ourselves from it,
to let it go and to not let it hold us back.
I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the Patreons
who supported today's video.
And thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring today's episode.
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That was good timing Beetle!