Hi! We're the Fine Brothers!
Consider yourselves warned!
We're about to recap the entire story of Harry Potter!
The way the movies told it, not the books.
And not including what happens in the final film! In one take. In under seven minutes.
Starting now! It all began in 2001 when Harry Potter
and the Sorcerer's Stone arrived in theaters. It was called the Philosopher's
Stone in most of the world but apparently, americans were too cool for
that! The film begins with Harry Potter as a baby being left at the doorstep
of his aunt and uncle. It then jumps to a very unhappy and eleven year
old Harry who lives in a cupboard under the stairs being treated
like a slave by his relatives. Owls start delivering letters
addressed to Harry from a Wizarding School called 'Hogwarts'. His uncle won't
let him read them, but a half-giant named Hagrid comes to tell Harry
the truth! 'Yer a Wizard, Harry!' So Harry leaves
with the lovable loaf and finds out about Lord Voldemort! Whoa!
Oh! Sorry, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named killed Harry's parents and tried to kill him, but
Harry survived. He's the only person to survive the Killing curse!
But it left him with a lightning bolt scar on his forehead and the cause
He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to be seemingly destroyed! Harry
hops on a train to attend Hogwarts and befriends Ron Weasley
and Hermione Granger. Hermione has Muggle parents. What's a
Muggle? Non-magic folk, duh!
Once they get to Hogwarts they get told about a talking hat
that's gonna sort them into one of four houses based on their personalities.
Slytherin is the house of pranks and every evil wizard
was sorted into it when they were children. Why do they allow an evil house to
continue to exist? We have no idea!
The Sorting Hat places Ron, Harry and Hermione into Gryffindor!
Long story short, Harry makes enemies with
a Slytherin boy named Draco Malfoy and finds out there's a
magical object called the Sorcerer's Stone that is being hidden
in the school to protect him. He thinks that creepy Potions teacher Severus
Snape is trying to steal it. But it turns out to be the Defense
against the Dark Arts teacher Professor Quirrel! Who has a turban to
hide the fact that he has He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named grafted onto the
back of his head. Dumbledore, the headmaster of the school must've
somehow missed that one when he hired him. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-
Named...You know what, that's getting really annoying, let's just call him
Voldemort from now on! Voldemort tells Harry to
join him, but he refuses! Quirrel then tries to kill
Potter but starts to burn, when he touches him so Harry
murders Quirrel with his bare hands! Harry Potter,
murderer at age 11. Voldemort's spirit leaves and
Harry is proclaimed a hero! Onto the second film!
Harry meets Dobby the house-elf, who doesn't want Harry
go back to school bad things will happen to him.
Harry refuses, which only gets Harry into trouble and
his uncle forbids him to go back to school.
Ron and his brothers show up in a flying car, bust him out and head back
to the wizarding world! Back in Hogwarts, several students turn out petrified
kind of like turning into a statue. The teachers revealed
there's a legend about the castle having a chamber of
secrets which has a monster inside which could be the cause of the
attacks! Long story short, Harry meets the ghost of a student
in a bathroom named the Moaning Myrtle, finds a magical diary that
belonged to a former student named Tom Riddle. Finds out Myrtle was
killed by a monster in that very same bathroom that he met her in.
And discovers, that the chamber of secrets is actually underneath that
bathroom. They searched for years but never thought to look
there we guess? Inside the chamber Harry finds Tom Riddle from the
diaries. While as Ron's younger sister Ginny was dying
was being controlled by Tom throughout the movie with the intention of taking her
life as his own. Tom reveals that his full name is
Tom Marvolo Riddle, as an anagram for Lord
Voldemort? Not exactly, Lord Voldemort doesn't work
at all but 'I am Lord Voldemort' does...?!
Why didn't J.K. Rowling write a name that worked perfectly
with the anagram, or had a middle name with extra
letters to make Lord Voldemort work? We have no idea.
Anyways, as Riddle sends out the monster, a giant snake
called the Basilisk. Harry went to the help of Dumbledore's pet
phoenix 'Fawkes' who brought the sword of Gryffindor which Harry uses to
kill the Basilisk and then destroys Tom Riddle's diary with
a Basilisks' fang!
Harry Potter, murderer of two people, albeit
one evil dude and one kind of ghost thing but murderer
nonetheless. It's time for the third movie 'The Prisoner of Azkaban'!
Harry finds out that a mass murderer named Sirius Black
had escaped from Azkaban prison, that he was the one
who sold out his parents to Voldemort and that he's Harry's godfather.
At Hogwarts you see Dumbledore, but it's a new actor,
because the first one died. This one plays him very rough and angry
in the first couple of films before getting over himself
and playing the role properly! Long story short, Harry
learns to cast a spell, that summons a patronus that stops monsters called
Dementors. Sirius was actually framed (?) by Peter Pettigrew
who's disguised himself as Ron's pet rat Scabbers before
then claims Sirius's name. The new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher
Remus Lupin, who runs everything by turning into a
werewolf, which allows Pettigrew to get away and forces Sirius
to go back into hiding. They were able to do all this, with the
use of a time-travel device, called the Timeturner.
Why did they have them use the timeturner to fix everything in this movie
but never have them use it again to fix all the crazy things that
happened in future films? We have no idea!
Onto the fourth movie 'The Goblet of Fire' where Hogwarts is holding
a Triwizard tournament. You see there's only three schools that
matter in the whole wizarding world and one student per school is
chosen by the Goblet to be its representative in the tournament.
For some reason, the teachers let them have this insane tournament,
where students can actually die for no reason, other
than for sport. Cedric Diggory is picked in compete for Hogwarts
but for the first time ever, the Goblet chose another student
to compete from Hogwarts as well, even thought he was too young to even [?]
Yep, Harry F***ing Potter.
Harry denies entering the tournament himself
and the new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher Mad Eye
Moody has thoughts on the matter. Every Defense against the Dark Arts
storyline ends badly, I wonder where this one's going.
He says there's no way Harry could have put his name in
and Dumbledore, on his way to being named the worst headmaster
ever allows Harry to compete. Long story short,
by the end of the tournament there was Cedric and Harry decided to make it
a tie, but the trophy they both touch at the same time ends up being
a portkey! Portkey? An object that teleports people
to places, duh?! And it brings them to
a graveyard that Harry's been dreaming about,
and out comes Peter Pettigrew with the gross fetus Lord
Voldemort! Voldemort orders Pettigrew to kill the
spare and Diggory's killed in front of Harry!
Then they use some of Harry's blood to bring Voldemort back
to full form! Why doesn't Voldemort yet in the first
movie he did? We have no idea!
Then Harry and Voldemort duel and the ghosts of Harry's parents help him escape
and then tell everyone at Hogwarts the news 'He's back!'
'He's back!' Oh and Moody's captured and we
find out that he was actually one of Voldemort's followers, a Death Eater
and impersonating him. Somehow Dumbledore also missed
that one. Onto
the fifth movie! The Ministry of Magic
don't believe that Voldemort is back and try to frame Potter and
Dumbledore for being liars. Dolores Umbridge - the new
Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and you guessed it! She won't be for long!
She refuses to teach the kids how to defend themselves,
so Harry starts a club to train students, called
Dumbledore's Army! Cho Chang, Cedric's former girlfriend ends up
making out with Harry and then she cries. It's awkward.
Cho rats the army out. Then we find out,
she was forced to drink the truth serum and it wasn't her fault.
No matter, Harry never talks to her again, for the rest of
the entire movie series. Real-stand up guy.
Harry has a vision of Sirius being tortured so he and the gang
along with Ginny, Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood fly
on Thestrals to save them. Don't even ask,
what they are. They walk into a trap and the Death Eaters
fight them to find a prophecy that ends up establishing
that Harry or Voldemort needs to kill the other in the end.
So much murder in Harry Potter.
Sirius and the others arrive to help the kids!
Sirius is killed and falls into this weird veil-mirror
thingy, that is never explained in the movie and a lot of people weren't even
sure that he was killed. Voldemort is spotted by the Minister of Magic
who finally believes that he's back. And that's the end
of this pointless movie in this series.
Moving on to 'Half-Blood Prince'! Dumbledore uses
Harry to lure a former Hogwarts professor who
taught Voldemort, named Slughorn, to come back to teaching. Dumbledore
tell Harry to let Slughorn "collect" him.
Yes! It's really creepy and why is Dumbledore
being trusted by Harry at this point? We have no
idea! Long story short, Harry finds an old
potions book, which was owned by the Half-Blood Prince. He thinks Malfoy
has joined Voldemort and Slughorn reveals that what he taught young
Voldemort was, is a Horcrux.This is
a way wizards can come back to live, if they die.
They have to murder someone, which allows wizards to
attach a piece of their soul to an object which turns
into a Horcrux. Why would they have information about this dark
magic in a school library? We have no idea!
Harry tells Dumbledore that Voldemort made seven Horcruxes
and that two of them have already been destroyed.
Tom Riddle's diary from the second movie and a ring
that Dumbledore destroyed at some point recently.
They set off together to find a third Horcrux, and
return to the castle where they hear someone coming and Dumbledore tells Harry
to go hide. It's Malfoy sent to kill Dumbledore
Snape then turns up out of nowhere and kills Dumbledore himself.
The biggest spoiler in the series to date!
They flee and Harry gives chase. Snape fights him
off and reveals dramatically, that he is the Half-Blood Prince!
But at this point in the movie it's been so long since we even talked about the
Half-Blood Prince that we don't even care! Harry is left with
the Horcrux that turns out to be a fake
but together with Hermione and Ron they plan to go find and destroy the
other Horcruxes to stop Voldemort!
That brings us to the seventh movie, part one!
Harry, Ron and Hermione are on the run, off to find
the Horcruxes while Voldemort has taken over
the Ministry of Magic and Hogwarts. They spend most of the movie
travelling and searching, not even sure what to do
and where to go because as usual Dumbledore didn't really help
Harry at all. They do end up finding the real locket
Horcrux and Ron destroys it with the sword of Gryffindor
that they find in a lake thanks to a Patronus taking the
form of a doe. You forgot to mention Ron imagining naked Hermione
making out with Harry before he did. Murder
and now sexual contact? Harry Potter was appropriate
for kids, right? Later on Luna Lovegood's
dad teaches them about the three magical objects that make the Deathly
Hallows and realizes Voldemort is after one of them - the Elder wand!
-The most powerful wand on earth! Luna's dad
rats them out which ultimately leads to them getting captured
but they escape with the help of Dobby, now a FREE ELF!
Why has Dobby never been mentioned or seen
since movie two yet Ron and Hermione seem to be good friends with him
even though in the film version they never even met? We have
no idea! Dobby saves the day, but as he disapparates
to save everyone he's stabbed and dies. The film ends
with Voldemort figuring out Dumbledore had the Elder wand
uncovering his grave and taking it from his dead corpse.
He raises it to the sky and gives out his famous
yell 'NYAAAAAAA'
And that leaves us with one final chapter.
One final movie! Will Harry and his friends find
the other Horcruxes and stop Voldemort?! Who will live?
Who will die? What parts of the movie will not be as good as the
book?! We're all about to find out! You are now fully
caught up to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2
with your Potter friends and act as if you've seen every film!
Will you be at the movie's opening weekend? We
know we'll be! Of course you could just
read the book now, definitely better than the movie.
Definitely.
[Harry Potter music playing quietly and fading out at the end]