(bubbles popping)
- Have you ever found yourself apologizing
when you haven't done anything wrong?
Or always putting other people's needs ahead of your own?
Or maybe, if someone around you is in a bad mood,
you can't help but get into a bad mood too?
These are all examples of what can happen
when we don't have healthy boundaries in place.
Boundaries, at their core,
are about understanding where you stop
and someone else begins.
These are limits we put in place
to protect our overall wellbeing
and the wellbeing of those we are in relationships with.
They're about taking back responsibility and control
over our own behaviors and reactions.
Practically, I like to think of boundaries
as how we will interact with those we know.
Since we can't control other people,
boundaries aren't so much
about telling someone else what they can't do,
although letting them know if something is upsetting
is helpful and encouraged,
but instead, boundaries are about communicating
what we will or will not do.
For example,
"If you continue to yell at me in public places,
I won't be able to go out with you anymore."
I know it's hard, but again,
it's more about what we will and will not do.
Okay, with that in mind,
let's jump into the 10 surprising signs
that we may struggle with boundaries.
(serious music) (bubbles popping)
Number one, you find it really hard to make decisions,
and this can happen for a couple of reasons.
Either we've spent so much of our life pleasing others
and putting them first
that we really don't know what we like or don't like.
Therefore, when we're given an opportunity
to make a decision,
our mind goes blank,
and we really don't know what we wanna do.
Another reason this could be
is that we never know what is correct or right.
We can struggle with the battle between
doing what we think someone else wants
and what we want.
We can worry that we are going to let someone down
or be selfish,
and it can feel like there's no right choice.
Number two, saying no makes you think you're being selfish,
and you immediately feel guilty for doing it.
When we struggle with boundaries,
we can tend to think in black and white,
and think that boundaries mean
either all about me or all about you,
when, in reality,
boundaries help keep us safely and healthily in the middle.
Our fear of being selfish
or our habit of putting others first
can lead to us always saying yes,
double, or even triple, booking ourselves,
and feeling like we don't get to do
anything for ourselves ever.
Sign number three is that you apologize a lot
for things you didn't even participate in.
This is one you all know I struggle with,
and we can do this because we don't wanna upset anyone else.
We would honestly rather upset ourselves,
and we can feel like we are always in the way,
or that it's not okay to take up space.
And instead of working to understand
why we need to be liked by everyone
and never get in anyone's way,
we just apologize all the time.
Oh, and my therapist years ago
told me that my people-pleasing behavior could be me
manipulating others to assuage my own anxiety.
That really hit home and rang true for me,
and even though it was really painful to hear,
I just wanted to pass that along
in case it's helpful for you, too.
If these signs are ringing true for you, don't worry.
I am offering a live, two-day workshop
on January 6th and 13th
from one to 3:00 PM Central Standard Time
that will empower you to set the boundaries you need
to take back control of your life.
We will discuss what boundaries are,
the types of boundaries that exist in our life,
and what behaviors you may have
that are sabotaging your ability to have healthy ones,
and you will also learn why you need boundaries
and what to do if someone refuses to respect them.
Click the link in the description to join.
Back into the signs with number four.
It's that we don't know
the right amount to share with others.
We either overshare or don't feel okay to share anything.
When we don't have healthy boundaries,
we don't know where we stop and someone else begins,
which can lead to us sharing too much, too fast,
with people who are new to us.
Or on the flip side, we can shut everyone out
and not let them get to know us at all.
Neither of these behaviors are healthy
and are just indicators that we struggle with
placing healthy boundaries,
which are somewhere in the middle of those two extremes,
meaning that we share little by little over time
as we slowly build trust with someone.
Moving on to number five,
we act out passive aggressively.
People who are passive aggressive aren't able,
or struggle to,
communicate their upsets, frustrations,
hurts, and expectations.
Instead, we passively try to get people to read our minds.
We can purposely run late to an event
that we really don't wanna go to
instead of just saying that we don't want to go.
Or we could wanna go out to dinner,
and instead of saying so,
because maybe we want it to be our partner's idea,
we rummage through the fridge
and we get upset that we don't have what we want,
or nothing we have sounds good.
All in all, we're trying to show someone what we want
through passive actions, or inactions,
instead of telling them directly
what it is we want or are upset about.
We can do this because
we don't feel like we can tell someone
what we want or believe,
or that our wants are important.
But deep down, we're human, so we still have them.
Or we can be so adverse to conflict
that we think speaking up is akin to starting a fight.
Sign number six
is that we can struggle to know who we really are.
When we put others first
and prioritize their wants and needs above our own,
we can find ourselves becoming absorbed by them.
Their bad days become our bad days,
their goals or desires become ours,
and slowly, we become absorbed by them.
I see this a lot with parents
or people in new romantic relationships.
Parents can focus all of their energy on their children,
but children grow up, start lives of their own,
and it's at that point that they tell me
they don't even know who they are anymore.
Because for so long, they were mom or dad,
and that defined them.
Or in new romantic relationships,
we can let go of our hobbies, our friends and goals,
and instead put our partners first.
If that relationship ends or shifts in some way,
we can be left trying to remember or figure out
who we were without them.
We can also call this enmeshment,
which happens when boundaries in relationships
are unclear or completely non-existent.
Another sign we're struggling with boundaries
is number seven,
that we can't tolerate other people not liking us.
Therefore, we end up doing whatever it is they want,
or what we think they want,
so that they keep spending time with us,
love us, or make us feel accepted.
This could also look like
us needing a lot of outside affirmation or compliments.
In some cases, this could mean
that we need someone to tell us
that we're doing something exactly right
in order for us to keep doing it,
which could play out at work or school,
and make it hard for us to complete assignments
or do things independently.
The root of the struggle can be
an intense fear of abandonment or rejection,
which makes us think we can't keep going
or won't be able to function if someone leaves us,
so we do whatever we can to keep them around.
We can believe that
we won't be able to take care of ourselves alone,
or won't survive the pain of the loss.
Sign number eight
is that we feel resentful a lot of the time.
Because we're doing what other people want,
and trying to please them
and possibly overextending ourselves,
we can become resentful.
The tricky thing about this sign
is that we may not realize
that we are the reason for this happening,
and our lack of boundaries is the key contributor to it.
We can even find ourselves being upset with people
who have healthy boundaries.
Like, for example, if someone asks us or another friend
if either of us can pick them up from the airport,
and the other friend, you know, quickly says,
"No, I can't, I don't have the time,"
and we feel guilty and say that we can
even though we also aren't available,
and we can be mad or resentful of that friend
who so easily said no.
We can also be resentful of people
who take advantage of us,
because, frankly, we let them.
Like the friend who asked us to get them from the airport,
we can feel like they're taking advantage
of our kindness or inability to say no.
If we find ourselves being upset at those around us
and resenting certain things,
consider what role we play in it.
Did we say yes when we should have said no?
Are they doing what we wish we could,
and that's why we're upset?
Or, why weren't we honest about our availability?
Consider those things.
Moving on to number nine, we can feel tired all the time
because we're doing so much for others.
Since we don't put ourselves and our own wellbeing first,
we can feel tired a lot.
This could be emotionally or physically exhausted,
and this one can be tricky if we're in a care-taking role,
because we can't just stop caring for them,
but we're going to have to find other ways to take breaks,
do things that are just for us,
and possibly share the burden of caring for others
with someone else.
Like let's say, for example,
if we're caring for children or an aging parent,
we can call on someone else in our family to help.
But overall, because we aren't
prioritizing our own wellbeing,
we're paying the price
and can find ourselves worn out from it.
Finally, number 10
is that our relationships tend to be difficult,
explosive, or dramatic.
When we don't have guidelines
on where we end and others begin,
or what's okay and not okay in our relationships,
we can struggle to have healthy ones.
Many could be predicated on us always giving or doing more,
or always saying yes,
and like we discussed,
this can leave us feeling resentful, angry,
and lashing out when we've finally had enough.
We can take out our lack of boundaries onto others
instead of acknowledging the fact
that we are the ones responsible for our lives.
We have to set and uphold boundaries
in order to have healthy and happy relationships, period.
Now, you might be wondering,
"Why do I struggle with boundaries?
Where does this come from?"
Well, there are three main reasons we can have this issue,
although everyone is different,
so if you think I left one out,
please let me know in those comments.
But reason number one is attachment issues.
When we don't have a caregiver
who was there for us consistently
and showed us love and support,
it can make it hard for us to know
how to get those needs met healthily,
so we can give too much in the hopes that
someone will finally show up and be there,
or that someone will finally love us.
We can fear that boundaries will push people away
and we will be alone,
which could be our greatest fear.
Reason number two is past trauma or abuse.
When someone harms us,
they're overstepping natural boundaries,
and when this happens, we can internalize a belief
that we don't get to have boundaries,
or we were wrong about what we thought they were,
and we can think something's wrong with us,
hello, shame,
and trust other people to tell us
what's okay and not okay for us.
Therefore, we don't even know
how to place healthy boundaries,
or what they are, or where they belong,
which is why therapy is so important in healing
when we're a trauma survivor.
The third reason is observation.
We could have seen our mother or father
act in unhealthy ways
and accepted that what they were doing was correct.
For example, we could have grown up in a home
where boundaries weren't okay,
and we were meant to share everything with the family,
or we watched our mother do all the work
in her relationships,
all the giving, always saying yes,
and maybe even complaining to us
about the fact that she did say yes
and someone took her up on it.
This can send confusing messages about boundaries,
and we can mimic this behavior
because we don't know any better.
I hope you found this topic interesting
and you learned something new.
Again, if any of this resonated,
please check out my boundaries workshop,
or if you thought I missed anything,
feel free to share your own thoughts and experiences
in those comments.
Thank you so much for watching, and I'll see you next time.
(bright music)