Hey, everybody, Mat Boggs here, creator of Cracking the Man Code, coauthor of Project
Everlasting, and this is your place to understand your man and to get the love that you deserve.
Today I want to talk to you about a silent killer in relationships.
This thing can derail a relationship faster than we can put a Big Mac together or… something.
It can derail relationships.
And what I’m talking about is unmet expectations.
This is what I call quality girl versus cool girl.
Oftentimes, in relationships, when we don’t communicate something that upsets us, when
we don’t say what it is that we really would love to have and we have an expectation that
isn’t met and we let that fester and we left that build, it can erupt into an explosion
that takes the other person by surprise.
It can blindside your man and it can lead your relationship down a very negative, dark
path.
So let me share with you a quick story about a coaching client and how she experienced
the quality girl versus the cool girl, okay?
She had started dating this guy, chemistry was off the charts, compatibility was there.
So they start hanging out and on Saturday, they’re out at the farmer’s market and
they’re enjoying their time and conversation is flowing and they’re bantering and they’re
teasing each other and having fun.
All of a sudden, he gets a call from his ex-wife and the ex-wife says, “Hey, I need you to
come pick up your son.
I’m at a business meeting.
I can’t pick him up.
Something’s happened.
We need our son to be picked up.”
So he’s got to end the date early.
Now, my client – the one he was on the date with – wants to be the cool girl.
Why?
Because nobody wants to be not the cool person, right?
Nobody wants to be the person who’s high maintenance, who’s whiny, who’s complaining,
who’s a downer.
Nobody wants to be that person in the relationship, so we’re all striving to be, “Look I want
to be ‘go with the flow,’ I want to be relaxed, I want to be cool.”
So she says, “No problem.
That’s cool I totally get it.
I totally understand.
It’s your son.
You’ve got to go pick him up,” and everything was totally cool with her.
But he says, “I’ll call you tomorrow.
We’ll hang out tomorrow.”
They’re hanging out on Sunday.
They’re hanging out at the park overlooking the ocean having wine, having cheese, you
know, hanging, talking, having a great time, but they just get into it when he gets a call
from the person in San Diego who’s watching his dog who gets called away to an emergency
that they’re having.
He said, “Look, you’ve got to come get your dog because I’m having this emergency
and I can’t take care of your dog.”
So he hangs up the phone and says, “You’re not going to believe this, but I have to go
to San Diego right now.
That’s a two hour drive.
I have to go pick up my dog.
So I’m sorry to end the picnic short but, you know, I really hope you’ll understand
and I want to hang out with you soon.
I’ll call you Monday.
Let’s hang out.”
So she was like, “No problem.
Cool.
Why?
I’m the cool girl, right?”
Now, she was a little bit disappointed that she had spent her entire Sunday, had in her
mind an expectation she’s going to be hanging out with this guy, but she understands his
dogs are important to him and so he’s got to go get the dog.
So, on Monday, they talk on the phone, they have an amazing two hour long conversation,
all week long they’re texting, and he says, “Hey, maybe we can hang out during the week.”
But then he texts her back and says, “Sorry, work is super busy.
I’m working on this project this week.”
So it gets all the way down to the next Saturday and she’s so excited to hang out with this
guy.
She likes this guy a ton.
They’re hanging out the next Saturday.
Halfway into hanging out, he gets a call from his basketball coach (he coaches eighth grade
basketball).
His assistant coach was supposed to coach the game that Saturday, calls him, he’s
super sick, says, “I can’t make it to the game.
Will you please coach the team because I’m not going to be able to make it?”
He’s the head coach.
He’s super dedicated, so he turns to my client and says, “Look, I’m super sorry.
I can’t believe this, but I have to go coach my basketball team.
My assistant coach is sick and can’t make it.”
Her, being the cool girl, says, “Okay, no problem.
That’s fine.
I’ve got other people I can hang out with.”
He goes, coaches the team, and calls her later that night.
The next day, she’s thinking about it: “So let me get this straight.
I am behind his son, which I can understand that, but I’m behind his dog and I’m after
his eighth grade basketball team?”
So she starts stacking all this stuff and seeing her place in the relationship is down
here.
And so she explodes.
All of the unmet expectations, all of the disappointment that she had been building
up from each independent – take and one of those situations independently, by themselves,
it is no big deal.
She totally understand because she’s reasonable, right?
She can totally understand the son is important, the dog is important, the basketball game
is important, but the problem was, after all of that built up, she exploded and sent him
this email that was like, “Look, you don’t have time for a relationship in your life.
I come after your kid, which I understand, but I come after your dog and your eighth
grade basketball team and, you know, I really want a man who will put me first in his life,”
and goes on this massive rant and sends him the email.
He emails back completely blindsided.
How does a man take that kind of response?
He never saw it coming.
This is the challenge with quality girl versus cool girl.
When you’re the cool girl, you stuff the emotions.
When you’re the cool girl, you go along with things you don’t normally go along
with because you want to be the cool girl.
You suppress your opinion, you suppress how it is you really feel.
That’s not how high-value women, quality women respond.
He gets completely blindsided and emails her back saying, “Wow.
I’m super disappointed.
I really liked you.
I thought we were building something.
I can’t believe you’re letting a two week snapshot of my life really determine your
entire opinion of me.
I thought we had an amazing connection, but if you want it to be over, I guess it’s
over.”
And she wrote back and she was like, “Yes, this really isn’t what I want,” and boom.
It sabotaged the whole relationship.
So afterwards we were talking about what could she have done differently?
How could she have responded in a way that was cool, was “go with the flow,” wasn’t
complain-y or needy or clingy or any of that, but also communicated what it is that she
wants?
And this is where we come to quality girl.
A quality girl understands what’s happening in someone else’s life, but they also express
how they’re feeling and they express their disappointment.
There’s no problem in saying, “Hey, you need to go get your dog because he’s down
in San Diego.
I totally get it, I totally understand and man, I’m disappointed.
I really wanted to hang out with you today, I really wanted to spend time together.”
Really expressing the disappointment because one of the most powerful four-letter words
you have to activate attraction in any man is w-a-n-t.
When you tell him what you want, you set up a challenge for him to achieve.
When we achieve a goal or when we achieve a challenge, it automatically triggers our
dopamine, which raises our attraction levels for you.
When you tell us your want, you are literally giving us the blueprint for your happiness.
So when you say, “Gosh, I’m really disappointed,” he naturally wants to earn your approval.
He wants to please you.
He wants to make this up to you, so his natural response to that is going to be, “Well,
what can I do to make it up to you?
Let me prove this.
Let me earn your approval.
Let me earn your favor,” right?
We love to earn our time with you, our level of intimacy with you, our level of where you
position us in your life.
We love to earn that.
When we feel like it’s well-earned and that it’s something that other men haven’t
earned, that puts us in a special, elite category and we feel more like a man in your presence.
And let me tell you this: When a man feels like a man in your presence, he will place
you above every other woman in his life.
A high-value woman does something call the sweaty, five minute conversation.
That’s where she has a conversation with her man in a very open, honest, non-threatening
way that communicates exactly what it is that she wants in a relationship.
So my encouragement to you is avoid just being the cool girl.
Don’t stuff your emotions, don’t suppress your opinions, but be the quality woman, the
woman who communicates what it is that she wants, the woman who communicates how she
feels in a non-threatening, non-judgmental, non-opinionated way, but in a way that actually
lets him earn your favor, lets him earn his position with you and strives to be a better
man because he’s around you, and that will go a long way.
So thanks for watching.
Make sure you subscribe if you’re not subscribed to this channel and as always, I posted a
link in the description to a resource that will help you take this information deeper,
integrate it in your life, and really help you create the relationship that you love.