Hey, Live On Purpose parents. Today, we've got one of our most popular topics. How
to get kids to listen the first time. I've got 5 tips for you. Probably a
great place to start with this particular topic is to ask an obvious
question. Why should they listen? Why should your kids listen? Now, I know as a
parent, you've got all kinds of great answers for that don't you? Yeah. But I'm
talking about from the kids perspective. This is really helpful for us as parents
to consider for a moment, why should they listen from their perspective? Now, this
changes the game a little bit because our approach to our kids will be
adjusted based on our understanding of why they should listen in the first
place. We have to have an answer to that question that makes sense to them.
Because you as a parent have a whole different level of thinking. Now, in other
videos here on the channel, we've talked about 3 stages of moral development.
If you want a quick review of that, just hit the positive parenting playlist and
you can scroll through a bunch of different videos so that we have there.
There's one in particular called teaching kids responsibility that will
review those 3 stages with you. The reason I mention that is because at
different stages of development. kids are going to have different answers for that
question. Why should they listen to you? Might be good to know what their answer
to that question is. Now, at stage 1 kids are very self-centered. They're not
mature enough yet to have that moral reasoning that would tell them, "Oh, I
should listen to my mom because she's my mom and she knows best." No. They're not at
that level yet. At stage 1, it's very self centered. So, they're thinking in
terms of consequences. That means we need to have an effective use of consequences
get our kids to listen to us. Now, at the stage 2, they're willing to
communicate rationally. And so we'll approach them a little differently.
Stage 3, you don't even have to worry about that because they're doing really
great thinking on their own. Most of the time when people are concerned about
getting their kids to listen, it's because they're on stage 1. So, let's go
to some strategies that work really well for Stage 1 kids. Remember these are
the ones who aren't really thinking about how does my behavior impact other
people. They're not really thinking about what's the right thing to do. They're
still at a stage of development that has them thinking, "Okay. What's in this for me?
Or am I going to get clobbered if I do this?" It's very externalized. We want to
meet them on their level. Getting on our kids level has a couple of different
meanings. You have to understand what stage they're on. And you want to be
physically on their level. If you're towering way up here in your child's way
down here, they're not going to connect with what you're saying and probably
won't be listening the first time. So get down on their level. Meet them where they
are. You might want to get right on the floor if you're talking to a toddler. You
might want to crouch down a little bit. Get physically on their level and then
use very clear language that makes sense to them based on their development. Once
you get on your child's level, here's another interesting thing for you to
think about. How important is it for you that they listen to you. I'm asking that
because that changes your energy as a parent. I think you're going to be much
more effective in communicating with your child if you let go of your need
for them to listen to you. Let go of your need. There's a couple of psychological
reasons why this is powerful and important to remember. If it's you that's
all uptight about, "Oh, is my kid listening?" Then you're going to approach them in a
way that will actually cause a little bit of
defensiveness or recoil in your child. When you let go of your need for them to
listen to you, we're shifting the responsibility from your shoulders over
to theirs. And now, it becomes more important for them to listen. Now, there's
a lot of ways that you can do this effectively as a parent. And probably, the
most important way is to have effective consequences. Most of the time when
parents talk to their kids, they deliver the first message and the kids hear my [Quack, quack, quack]
It's kind of like the old Charlie Brown movies. Remember when the adults
are speaking it's like...[Quack, quack, quack.] And they don't hear a thing. It's because they've
learned that it's not important the first time. The second time, they might
hear the same thing. The third time you might be upset enough that your voice
goes up a few decibels and you get really serious about following through
with some kind of a consequence and that's when they listen. Hello! Time to
wake up and see what's actually working. They're listening because the
consequence follows the communication. Oh... Well, what would happen if we moved the
consequence up to right after the first communication? Then we're training them
to listen the first time. I still remember this father that came in to see
me. He had a couple of kids and was being the primary parent at home while mom was
working. And he was so frustrated that these kids would not listen to him until
he had talked to him 12 times. Why do I have to tell my kids 12 times before
they'll do anything. And I asked him an important question. I said, "Why do they do
it the 12th time?" He's like... "Oh.." And it dawned on him. That that's when he has
reached a level of volume and intensity and seriousness that his kids
knew it's time to pay attention. That's why they listened that 12th time. So, I
said, "Why don't you just move that up to the first time?" Now, you don't have to get
all angry and your face turns red. Those are just the signals that his kids had
learned indicate that there's a consequence coming. And it doesn't have
to be red face and high-volume. You can talk in a very calm voice with a smile.
In fact, you know what? I think when parents are smiling, kids are thinking.
Pretty good little rule of thumb. Makes them nervous. They're wondering what you
know that they don't. Well that's good. Because we want them to think. And this
triggers the thinking. So we move the consequences up to happen right after
the first communication. And most parents will give at least 2 or 3
communications before a consequence. We're training our kids to wait. And all
they hear is [Wah, wah, wah!] until they know that you're serious. And you don't have
to be all red-faced and loud for them to know that you're serious. It just has to
be followed by an immediate consequence. Now, I promised you 5 tips at the
beginning. The next one is really important. Let's do a quick review. You're
going to ask yourself, "Why should they listen?" And come up with a good reason
that makes sense to them, not you. Second, you want to get on their level which
means that you meet them at their level of development but also physically bring
yourself down to whatever level they're on. If they're small, you get yourself a
little smaller so that they'll listen to you.
Third, let go of your need to have them listen. It's off your shoulders, it's on
to theirs. Fourth use effective consequences and move them up in the
sequence so that it happens right after the first communication. You know, tip
number 5. Are you ready? This one is powerful.
Repeat. Do it again. Because they've got to have a chance to learn something. And
repetition helps them to do just that. Parenting. It's a tough job. You've got
this. And we've got you. Because the Parenting Power-Up is available for you
to power up your parenting. If you haven't checked it out yet, click on the
links down below or right over there to the side and you can connect immediately
to a powerful course that Vicki and I have put together to help you as a
parent.