Over the weekend on Saturday,
minding my own business,
and I get kind of a threatening video email
sent to me by a Mr. Hugh Jackman.
Conan, I know you're doing a lot of shows
traveling around the world.
Lots of them.
You've been everywhere around the world, except Australia.
It's almost like you going out of your way
not to go to Australia.
'Cause we're mates, I just wanted you
to know that it's been noticed.
First of all, I didn't know Hugh Jackman was in prison.
And I looked into it.
There's an old rule in show business.
When Hugh Jackman tells you to do something, you do it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to Australia.
I arrived in Sydney, Australia.
And even though they speak English here,
I still had to learn the language.
I'm sitting here with Gabrielle,
a voice and dialect coach. Correct.
I would like to be able to speak like an Australian,
an authentic Australian.
I do dialects very well.
Scottish? There's a Loch Ness monster.
Yeah.
No, that was very good.
Could you do British?
Could I be British? Oh.
♪ It's the posh, posh traveling life ♪
♪ The traveling life for me ♪
♪ First cabin, captain's quarters, regal company ♪
♪ Port out, starboard home ♪
♪ Posh with a capital P-O-S-H, posh ♪
Oh, you're very good.
The Australian accent all happens back here.
You've got to hook it into your jaw cavity.
Oh. So rather than forward here,
stick it back there. Yeah.
But as an Australian-- How 'bout that?
Yeah.
I got that part that. Yeah, that's good and nasal.
Yeah.
And if you're saying yes to something,
it's also really good to go yeah, nah, nah.
Yeah, nah. Yeah.
That's nice. Offer me some fruit.
Would you like some fruit? Yeah, nah.
No?
All right. Nah.
Yeah, I'll just put it down.
But I did want the fruit.
That's another thing I've noticed with Australians.
Yeah?
They turn everything into a nickname.
Yes.
Did you have your brekkie? Did I have my brekkie?
Oh, that's breakfast. That's breakfast.
Yeah, you can have a smashed avo on toast for brekkie.
I had smashed avo on toast for brekkie.
Yeah, it's lacking a little subtlety,
but the sounds are good.
I can get subtlety.
Barbecue. Barbecue.
We say barbie. Oh, right, barbie.
That's the one everyone knows.
Shrimp on the barbie. No, we don't say shrimp.
What do you say? Prawns.
Well, wait a minute!
There was a whole commercial for years.
I know, I know.
I'll slip an extra shrimp on the barbie.
You don't say shrimp? No one says shrimp.
They made fools out of us.
It's an act of war.
It's a big drinking culture here.
We know it is, yeah. Foster's Lager.
Foster's Australian for beer.
Nobody drinks Foster's. They don't?
Most bars won't even sell it.
Is that true? Yeah.
Again!
I feel like I'm being scammed.
My whole life I've thought the first thing
you get to Australia, you have a shrimp
on the barbie with a Foster's Lager.
And then you go to Outback Steakhouse
and you talk to Rupert Murdoch about a kangaroo.
Another thing is that we say how good is something?
But it's a rhetorical question.
How good is this weather? How good is this weather?
Further back. How good is this weather?
Yeah, that's it.
So it's like a series of mild strokes
that have occluded the back part of my face.
That's right, because--
How good is this weather?
Yeah, clench your jaw. How good is weather?
There's a 'roo!
There's a 'roo?
And if someone's a bit daft,
you can say that there are
a few roos loose in the top paddock.
Ah, a few roos loose in the top paddock.
Yes.
There's a few roos loose in the top paddock
You're really taking on that anesthetized--
I'm trying to just kill this part of my face.
Okay, you start saying things
and I'll repeat them immediately,
and that's how we'll do it.
Let's go.
Oh, how good is this weather?
How good is this weather?
Bloody beautiful. Bloody beautiful.
Do you want a drink? I want a drink all the time,
but not Foster's Lager.
You're doing really well.
How do you say I'm asexual?
I'm, so I'm, nice and nasal.
I'm. I'm asexual.
I'm asexual.
Shake it out a bit.
Yeah, shake it out.
I'm asexual.
Yeah, that's great. I'm asexual.
Yeah, I think you are now.
Yeah.
I'm just loosening it up. It's working.
Oh, hello is g'day. Yeah, that's perfect.
That's easy. Friend, mate.
He's my mate. G'day, mate.
A woman, Sheila.
Top Sheila. Top Sheila.
Top Sheila. Ah, top Sheila.
Shitter.
Some people do call it that.
Ah, he's out in the shitter.
What do you call having a heart attack?
Having a heart attack. Okay.
That's stuff you don't wanna screw around with.
You don't wanna mess with that.
Oh, got a tacky-wacky.
You know this band, right? Everyone knows AC/DC.
Right? Yeah.
What do we call 'em? You call 'em Aisy-Daisy.
You call 'em-- This is fun to watch.
A-Z...
Accadacca?
100%. But AC/DC's easier.
Accadacca. They were born here.
We get to call 'em what we want.
Speedos? Yeah.
Those are called wanko-wallies.
So close.
It's a wanker-hammock.
Budgie smugglers. That's a budgie smuggler.
You know what a budgie is?
It's a kind of a bird.
So men's junk in a speedo to Australians
looks like a bunch of birds shoved in--
Just one. Just one?
Yeah. Not in this case.
If something is--
I'm still looking at the camera.
Hold on.
Hold.
That's enough.
Nerd or geek? This one's big.
Aye, he's a weebler. Weebler?
He's a weebler. You're a dag.
Aw, he's a dag.
Do you know what a dag is?
It's the bit of poo that is on the back
of the sheep's butt before it gets shorn.
And that's your word for people
that like books and study and use computers,
and actually better mankind?
This one's good.
That surprises me. Mm, I'm surprised by that.
Ah, bimminy bop.
Or, (bleep) me dead.
I'm gonna ask you to leave.
What does it mean?
(bleep) me dead? Yeah.
It means god, I'm amazed at that.
I'm amazing at that. That surprises me.
(bleep) me dead, that's a beautiful baby.
Who would say that?
That's awful.
That's terrible.
Now you're gonna be naked,
which means you're gonna be-- Naked.
Let me get this one.
Uh, flappin freebie.
I'm swinging left and right.
You're in the nuddy. Oh, god.
So a nuddy buddy. Oh, I don't know what...
You're in the nuddy with your buddy.
(bleep) me dead, you're having a good night.
Someone who enjoys sex.
Ah, he's a reggie.
Oh, so close.
You got the first-- He's a reggie!
He's a root rat. Ah, he's a root rat.
He'll root anything that moves.
Oh, that sounds criminal.
Maccas.
You wear those on your feet.
Yeah, and then we went to Maccas.
Oh, you went to McDonald's. Yeah.
What do you call Burger King.
Burger King. Stubby?
That's a small erection.
Yes, I suppose it is.
It's also what we call a bottle of beer.
Yes, that's what I meant.
You've taught me, I've listened, and I think I have it.
Okay? Okay.
So maybe we'll do a little
role playing scenario right now.
Sure.
Sheila.
G'day, how you doin'? G'day.
You're a top-notch Sheila. Aw, thanks.
Ah, top-shelf Sheila.
Ah look, a stubby.
You want a stubby? Sure, cheers.
Yeah, cheers, eh?
Blow the froth off a few. Yeah, beer.
Cheers.
Like your stubby there?
I'm sitting in a rare car.
I was listening to Accadacca. Aw, brilliant.
Yeah, and I got all excited,
and suddenly I'm lost and got hungry and I need some Macca.
You went to Maccas? Yeah.
'Cause I didn't want to go to Burger King.
What do you do for work?
I work with Accadacca. Do you?
Yeah. Are you a roadie?
I'm a roadie, who likes rootin'.
I'm a rootin' roadie with Accadacca.
If I'm not rootin', I'm sleepin'.
I'm getting me ZZs.
Having a bit of a kip. Having a bit of a kip
and getting me ZZs.
The sawsies the logsies.
Then when I'm awake, I'm a rootin' root rat.
Are you a pirate?
Ah, (bleep) me dead.
You think I'm a pirate?
I just thought maybe.
I was swimming and I knew we had a date,
but I was in me budgie smugglers.
Right. So I had--
I bet that's a sight to behold.
Aah. Sight for sore eyes.
Your eyes would be sore if you saw
that many budgies in one smuggler.
I think you would have maced me by now.