One of the big stories
of Vladimir Putin's invasion of Ukraine
has been the surprising resilience
of the Ukrainian people.
But what's been almost more surprising
is that it turns out the Russian military
wasn't as prepared or powerful
or effective as everybody thought.
Yeah. Their tanks are falling apart,
their trucks are getting stuck in the mud,
and the soldiers don't seem very prepared,
which is not what any of us expected.
You know? Russia struggling is not what anybody thought.
It's like, imagine if in Game of Thrones,
we waited seven seasons for the White Walkers,
and then when they arrived,
it was just a bunch of old dudes using walkers.
You know, I mean, it still would have been
a better ending, but you know what I mean.
You know, when you think about it,
you realize there's a chance that Russia's nukes
don't even work, yeah?
'Cause if you look at the trucks that get stuck in the mud,
you realize there's a chance
that their nuclear weapons don't work.
Like, they might press that red button
and the nukes are just gonna be like...
(coughing)
(thudding sounds)
Yeah.
Now, please note, if I'm wrong about the nukes,
we're all dead.
So, whatever you do, don't act on my intelligence.
This is just me brainstorming here.
The point is that,
in the two weeks that this has been going on,
Russia has only been able to capture,
completely capture, one major Ukrainian city so far.
But that hardly means
that things are going well for Ukraine.
Several other cities are under siege
and facing constant bombardment,
and Russian troops have taken control
of one especially strategic asset.
NEWSMAN: Ukraine is raising alarms
about the situation at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant,
the site of the world's worst nuclear disaster.
Ukrainian officials say Russian forces
disconnected the decommissioned facility from the power grid
but called for a ceasefire in order to restore power.
Ukraine's foreign minister says
the plant has reserve diesel generators
that can power it for 48 hours,
but, after that,
the cooling systems for spent nuclear fuel stored there
will stop,
making radiation leaks imminent.
Ah, come on, Russia!
Can you not mess around with a nuclear power plant?!
It's nuclear power! I mean...
I want season two of Chernobyl, yes,
but I also want to be around to watch season two of Chernobyl.
Now, thankfully,
the International Atomic Energy Agency says
that there's no danger of a leak right now.
Which is good news...
right now.
But, I mean, regardless, Russia, what are you doing? Huh?
I mean, we're already dealing with one meltdown over here.
The world doesn't need another one.
And a Chernobyl disaster is bad news for you.
Think about it. I mean, best-case scenario,
best-case scenario, what happens if you screw this up, huh?
A lot of Russians get sick.
Worst-case scenario,
the radiation is gonna create an army of mutant super Ukrainians.
And, right now, you can't even beat the regular ones,
so is this a move you really want to make?
Now, while all of this is taking place in Eastern Europe,
the West is still trying to figure out
how involved NATO should get
in helping Ukraine fight off the Russian invasion.
Because, you see, so far,
NATO has been sending a lot of weapons into Ukraine.
They've been sending surface-to-air missiles,
antitank missiles,
rocket launchers, guns, ammo,
some LEGOs for the Russians to step on-- everything.
And these weapons are all helping.
But what Ukraine really wants,
really, really, really wants,
is some fighter jets,
which, apparently, is a much trickier request.
The Biden administration racing to catch up to news
that Poland is offering to provide used fighter jets,
MiGs, that could ultimately be delivered to Ukraine.
Multiple sources telling CNN that report
initially caught U.S. officials completely off guard.
Poland said it would give Ukraine all of its MiG-29 jets
but transfer them to an American air base in Germany,
but the Pentagon said no,
that it's too close to direct U.S. military involvement
in the fight against Russia.
Okay, this is... this is weird. This is really weird.
Poland has offered Ukraine fighter jets,
but they don't want to give the jets to Ukraine directly
because then they will be in a direct war with Russia.
So instead, they want to give the jets to America,
and then America hands them to Ukraine.
But then, America doesn't want to do that
because then they are fighting Russia directly.
So now there's jets, and there's Ukraine,
but nobody knows how to bring the two together.
And I'll be honest, I don't know why this is so complicated.
I mean, you just have to treat these jets
like an old couch that you don't want anymore.
Yeah, you just leave it on the sidewalk,
and then, if Ukraine happens to walk by and find a jet,
I mean, what's Poland got to do with it, eh?
Also, I don't know if it's just me.
I don't know if it's just me, but it's weird
that they're going through all these mental gymnastics here
because even if Poland finds some sneaky way
to get these planes to Ukraine, isn't Russia going to know
where the planes came from? You told us on the news!
(Russian accent): Comrade, did you notice
Poland offered Ukraine jets?
Now Ukraine has Polish jets. How did that happen?
(Russian accent): Yeah, probably same way
toast always lands butter side down, huh?
Life is crazy. We'll never know.
And this has been a tricky situation since the war started.
How involved can NATO get without Russia turning on them?
And I'll be honest. I get it. It is hard to figure out.
You know, this is like
the ultimate conundrum of life sometimes.
Like, the other day, I saw a mugging on the subway.
And I'm not going to jump in to stop it
because now, that person is stabbing me.
So instead, I said, "Hey, don't do that!"
And then, I immediately jumped off the train, and I ran away.
Which I think struck the right balance, you know?
Now, while the war-war rages on,
the West's economic war against Russia is ramping up, too.
Just yesterday, President Biden banned all Russian oil
from entering America.
But that's created its own problems
because Americans still need gasoline
to drive cars and to heat offices
and to set their homes on fire for the insurance money.
So, President Biden is going around the world
asking other countries to pump more gas
to replace Russia's, right?
Unfortunately,
some of the country's that could help America
apparently won't pick up the phone.
As Americans watch gas prices rise,
the Biden administration is now looking at importing oil
from hostile countries, but it's not going so well.
The Wall Street Journal reports President Biden tried
to call the leaders of Saudi Arabia
and the United Arab Emirates,
but they would not take his call.
NEWSWOMAN 2: Officials from both countries are upset
over American policy in the Gulf.
Specifically, the Saudis want legal immunity
for Prince Mohammed bin Salman in the U.S.
He's facing several lawsuits over the killing
of journalist Jamal Khashoggi back in 2018.
Saudi Arabia and the UAE also want more backing
from the U.S. in Yemen to quell the civil war there.
And both are also reportedly not happy
with the revival of the Iranian nuclear deal.
You have got to be kidding me.
Apparently, Saudi Arabia won't even pick up the phone
for the president of the United States.
I mean, look, I know it's hard to arrange those calls.
You know, Riyadh is eight hours ahead.
Biden is asleep by 4:00 p.m.
It's a narrow window to make it work, but still.
That must have been really embarrassing for Biden.
Can you imagine?
He phones them, and they don't pick up.
He probably had to do that thing where you pretend
that the other person did pick up.
-(dial tone sounding) -(laughs) Yes. MBS. (laughs) My man.
(laughs) Yeah, Ukraine. That is why I'm calling.
You got me, baby. You got... Yeah.
Oh, I have been working out, yeah.
This guy loves me. He loves me. (chuckles)
Yeah, yeah, okay, I'll call you back.
All right, love you, too.
You know what the White House needs to do?
You know what they should do for this situation?
They need to redirect the call that instead of Washington D.C.,
it looks like the call is coming from Ohio. Yeah.
Because then, the Saudis' curiosity is going to get them.
Phone's gonna ring. They're gonna be like,
"Ah, who's calling from Ohio?
Do we know anybody from Ohio?"
And somebody's gonna be like, "Don't answer, don't answer."
"Ah, but what if it's LeBron? I have to answer.
"Hello. Ah, Joe Biden!
"Damn it, you were right. Ah, shit!
Yes. Yes." (laughs)
"I was hoping you would call."
Now, according to the White House,
according to the White House, this story is totally untrue.
They deny it. Which I would, too.
But either way, man, there is no denying
that Saudi Arabia isn't playing ball with Joe Biden.
And you know what, you can say what you want,
but this would have never happened
to Donald Trump. Never.
No one was ever ignoring Donald Trump's calls.
Yeah, 'cause if you ignored Donald Trump's calls,
you didn't know how he would respond.
Maybe he'd send an angry tweet,
or maybe he'd just, like, ban your country from everything.
You don't know.
That's why I bet in these situations,
Biden actually wishes that he could hire Trump to step in
as President Wild Card. You know?
Just keep everyone on their toes.
'Cause if Trump was calling, you best believe the UAE--
they'll be racing to pick up the phone,
Ah, Mr. Trump! Mr. Trump, we're here, we're here, hello?
Too late, Ahmed, you made me wait two rings.
we're bombing the UAE and the UFC, just in case.
Now, while Biden and NATO are trying to figure out
how to get Russia back in line, people all over the world
are trying to do their part to stand up to the Russian regime.
The only downside is that some people
don't quite seem to understand the assignment.
NEWSMAN: Backlash to the Russian invasion of Ukraine
is leading to some misguided hostility in the U.S.
Congressman, uh, Eric Swalwell, who says that
the consideration of kicking every Russian student
out of the U.S. should be on the table.
NEWSMAN 2: A young Russian pianist who is set to perform
with the Montreal Symphony Orchestra this week
has been struck from the schedule after protests.
NEWSMAN 3: The Cardiff Philharmonic Orchestra have
removed the Russian composer Tchaikovsky from its program
of up-and-coming concerts
due to the current conflict in Ukraine.
NEWSWOMAN: A popular Russian restaurant in D.C.
is now vandalized.
D.C. police say several people broke windows
and spray-painted anti-Russian writing
on the Russia House Restaurant.
NEWSMAN 4: New York's Russian Samovar restaurant
says they've lost 60% of their customers.
The co-owner is half Ukrainian.
NEWSWOMAN 2: He said their sign has been kicked down
and people have been leaving one-star reviews online,
saying things like "stop the war."
Just because you're "Russian establishment"
does not mean you cut a check to Putin or his regime.
Aw, man. Really, people? Really?
You know, the only thing worse than not getting help
is getting help from idiots.
People, just because something is Russian
doesn't mean it's automatically bad. All right?
Like, like Russian dressing, for examp--
Okay, that-that is bad. That's actually bad.
Yeah, that tastes like ketchup died
inside a bottle of mayonnaise, but you get what I'm saying.
Not all Russian things are bad because of
what's happening in Russia. Do you understand?
You're not trying to be against the Russian people,
you're trying to be against the Russian government,
to stop them from what they're doing in Ukraine.
You understand that you can be anti-Russia
and pro-Russian? All right?
It the same way you can question the Chinese government's
handling of coronavirus without
punching Asian grandmothers in the street.
Do you understand this?
Americans, of all people, should understand this.
Yeah. You know, sometimes people want to be separated from
the actions of their government. Yeah, we've seen you Americans
traveling around the world with your Canadian flag
sewn on your backpacks. And you know we can't tell
the difference between your accents.
By the way, you might think it's a good idea
to ban Tchaikovsky now, but wait until Christmas comes
and you're trying to get your Nutcracker on.
Then come talk to me.
But, look, idiots taking their anger out
on Russian restaurants in New York-- that's one thing.
There is another backlash that's going on
with corporations which does make sense.
Every day, more and more corporations are deciding
they don't want to be a part of the Russian economy
that is funding this war. Right?
As we told you yesterday, McDonald's, Starbucks,
and now Coca-Cola have announced
that they're suspending business in Russia. Yes.
Which means the Russian people are gonna be forced
to develop diabetes on their own now.
Yeah. And today--
today, another big name is calling it quits.
ANCHOR: Bumble also announced it will be discontinuing operations
in Russia, removing all of its apps from the
Apple App Store and Google Play Store in Russia and Belarus,
and it's just the latest company to do so.
Wow.
No more Bumble in Russia.
That's harsh.
Yeah, you need dating apps in a country where
the cuffing season is ten months long.
You seen their winters?
And I know you might be saying,
"Oh, Trevor, meeting women in Russia is easy.
All you have to do is look inside a slightly larger woman."
But that's not how it works! Don't be stupid.
This is yet another hit to the Russian people
because of what Putin has done. And, you know,
when you think about it, because Russian people only get
Russian news, they probably have no idea why all these companies
are closing, none.
Think about it. Every day, something else just disappears
from their life. Mcdonald's, gone. Starbucks, gone.
Coca-Cola, gone. You don't know why.
Can you imagine how confusing that must be?
Yeah, there's probably Russians just walking around like,
"Huh, I guess I was the only person drinking Coke?"
Now, as always, where the western companies move out,
the Russian government steps in. And luckily,
for all the Russians looking to meet horny singles in their
area, there's another app that's coming out.
(Russian Accent) Comrades, are you upset that Bumble has
abandoned Mother Russia, like coward?
Well, do not worry, or we put you in jail.
you do not need Bumble, because Russia has new dating app,
Putin' Out. Now you can meet single Russians who match your
interests, like loving Putin or willing to die for Putin
or feet.
Or just swipe right on fellow Russians,
then use chat feature to learn more about them.
Maybe you fall in love, or maybe you report them to police.
Either way, is win.
After matching on Putin' Out, you will enjoy all kinds of
fun dating adventures like storming Odessa Beaches
or cleaning normal glowing rocks in Chernobyl, so fun.
So sign up today for Putin' Out.
Does not matter if you already married.
Is mandatory.