He's a very supportive man, though.
That's the problem. Like, he's very --
Like, you want to hate him, but you can't, 'cause he's always got my back.
Like, no matter what, he's got my back,
which is, like, awesome.
Even times when I haven't been in the right.
Like, I remember when I got into a big fight in high school once
and broke a chair over somebody's head.
Whoops. You know?
I didn't mean to. I just -- I don't know.
I got -- I used to get emotional.
Like, I used to cry a lot, like, out of nowhere.
I was, like, a bipolar mess,
and all-boy Catholic high school,
somebody's gonna -- You can't do that.
You're gonna get laughed at.
You know, so, this kid starts laughing at me.
So, I broke the chair right over his head, and then, I just --
That was, like, my mother's side, sensitive,
and then, my father, hitting.
It was like Jekyll-and-Hyde shit.
And, then, like, as he was losing consciousness,
I was like, "I'm sorry." I started writing him a poem.
Like, "I want to write you a letter
and just take care of you," but, then, snapped out again.
So I got thrown right out of school, and I call my dad.
I'm like, "Dad, look, I'm -- You know, I apologize.
It's embarrassing, but I got kicked out of school."
He goes, "No, you didn't."
I was like, "Yeah, I did."
Like, they're writing the police report.
He goes, "I'm coming down there."
I was like, "Please don't come down here."
He was like, "I'm coming down there."
I was like, "Oh, boy."
So he just walks into the principal's office.
You're supposed to have a meeting, you know?
Just walks right in.
He goes, "My son allegedly --"
[ Laughter ]
Because he's a criminal.
He goes, "My son allegedly hit somebody in the head
with a chair, and we'd like to plead not guilty.
So I'd like to make a plea."
I was like, "What are you talking about?"
The principal is like, "Sir, he --
Yeah, your son's been expelled.
I'm sorry, but Catholic institution,
you know, he broke a chair over somebody's head."
My dad's like, "Is this something money can't fix?"
Just -- He's like, "How much --
What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do?"
And the principal was like, "No, sir. No, thank you.
But, you know, he's expelled, and it was nice having him here,
but he's done." And my dad goes, "There's got to be another way."
My principal says, "Sir, I'm sorry. There was no other way."
My dad goes, "Let's think of another way."
He was like, "I'm here to negotiate with you."
He's like, "Yeah, there's no negotiations.
Your son has been expelled."
And my dad goes, "Think of another way."
And the principal just gets upset.
He goes, "Sir, are you stupid? There is no other way."
And that made my dad really upset.
He goes, "Did you just call me stupid?
Okay. Chrissy, lock the door."
Oh, shit.
Listen, anytime my dad called me by my girl name,
I knew shit was about to get real."
Oh, yeah.
As soon as he said that -- Yes, yep.
I freaking tucked it back, and I locked that door.
I was like, "I'm your princess," you know?
"Do what you need to do."
Yeah, and then my dad, it was all business from there.
He goes, "Now you got two options.
First option, I come over there, I beat the shit out of you."
He goes, "I'd rather go to jail for the rest of my life
then you throw him out
and me have to listen to his mother's fucking mouth
for the rest of my life. So either way, I'm in prison."
And the principal says, "Sir, would you do that?
I'm a man of God." And my dad goes,
"I lost God September 21, 1979."
I was like, "That was so specific."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And, then, I thought back. He was in jail then.
I was like, "I guess God wasn't in the showers."
I was like --
I think that's all that can mean is, like, yep.
Phew!
I was like, "I have some questions."
He's like, "Shut up, Chrissy!"
I was like, "Okay." You know?
I was like, "I'll just play."
Then, he goes, "The second option --
just put my son back in school.
Easy breezy."
I was like, "You can't threaten to kill someone
and then say 'easy, breezy.' Like, what are you --"
And I'm, like, such like a little girl, when he said
"easy, breezy," in my head, I went "beautiful CoverGirl."
I was like "Shh, Chrissy. Shh."
That's why -- And yeah, and then, the principal
put me right back into school, of course.
I mean, guy's threatening to kill him
and he's rhyming shit -- psychopath.
Yeah, of course I got put right back into high school.
Nobody ever even really found out.
Just got put in.
And it's like -- but it's traumatizing.
I didn't want to do comedy.
Okay? I had to do comedy.
My therapist was like, "This shit's pretty funny.
Like, I know, listen, it sucks for you,
and you're, like, going through a lot, but it's really --
You should talk to people about it, because yeah."
Li
I just always kind of knew. Like, all his friends,
I would go visit his friends when I was a kid.
We'd have a barbecue or some shit like that.
And I would go up, and his friends always had,
like, a very specific company that they had.
Like, it was too specific of an item to be a real company.
I was like, "I know that this is a front for something else.
You're laundering money through this. I'm aware.
I'm 8 years old, but I know," you know?
I'd walk up to people like, "Hey, buddy,
what do you do for a living?"
He's like, "This kid's asking me a thousand questions."
I'm like, "That's my first question," you know?
He goes, "Nah, nah. What do I do --"
they would make it up as they go along.
He said, "What do I do? No, you know chain-link fences?
You ever seen a chain -- You know the top part,
there's that little twisty piece of metal?
You've seen them, right? That's what I do. Yeah.
It's called Lombardi's Twisty Shits.
That's the name of the company, So, yeah, fucking go --
want to talk to your friends about --
You know baseball hats, that little top button?
My company. You know what I'm saying?
It's called Pasquale Top Buttons.
Go fuck yourself.
You know your shoelaces, the little plastic at the end?
Just the left side, my company.
Yeah, why don't you go write your fucking book report?"
You know?
[ Laughter ]
But, you know, I don't know.
It's kind of just good to see my dad older now --
like, 70-something years old. He just doesn't care anymore.
It's good, freeing, relaxing kind of guy.
Like, I went to his house the other day.
He opened the door -- tighty-whitey underwear,
shit stain on the front of his underwear.
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "How -- What, did you fart into a hurricane?
How do you have a shit stain on the front?
Is your asshole like a fucking half-pipe?" I don't...