>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL.
TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'RE ARE EXACTLY TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THE ELECTION.
SO, IF YOU HAVEN'T DECIDED WHO YOU'RE VOTING FOR YET, GOOD LUCK
ESCAPING THAT ABANDONED MINESHAFT.
OR STAY DOWN THERE 'TIL WE HAVE A VACCINE!
IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.
WE REALLY NEED A VACCINE.
IT'S A LONG STORY.
AS THE ELECTION DAY BARELIES DOWN ON US LIKE AN
OUT-OF-CONTROL MANURE SPREADING, ONE OF THE LAST CHANCES TO
INFLUENCE THE RACE IS THURSDAY'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE, WITH IN-DEPTH POLITICAL
ANALYSIS AND EXTENSIVE COVERAGE OF WHATEVER FLYING CREATURE
HAPPENS TO STEAL THE SHOW.
MY MONEY IS ON A FRUIT BAT LANDING ON KRISTEN WELKER.
NOW, AT THE LAST DEBATE, TRUMP INTERRUPTED BIDEN AND CHRIS
WALLACE-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- 128 TIMES.
SO, THE DEBATE COMMISSION HAS ANNOUNCED THERE WILL BE A MUTE
BUTTON AT THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
THAT'S GOOD!
WHILE WE'RE AT IT, HOW ABOUT A FAST FORWARD BUTTON?
JUST ZIP STRAIGHT TO NOVEMBER 3.
NOW, THIS MUTE BUTTON WON'T BE OPERATIONAL FOR THE ENTIRE
DEBATE.
EACH CANDIDATE WILL BE GIVEN TWO MINUTES TO ANSWER AN INITIAL
QUESTION.
DURING THAT PORTION, THE OPPOSING CANDIDATE'S MICROPHONE
WILL BE MUTED.
ON OF COURSE, TRUMP COULD JUST
INTERRUPT BIDEN BY WALKING OVER TO HIS PODIUM, WHICH IS WHY THE
DEBATE COMMISSION IS ALSO PUTTING HIM ON A CHILD LEASH.
"DONALD, NOT YOUR TURN.
GO BACK TO YOUR PODIUM.
DO NOT-- DO NOT EAT THAT, YOUNG MAN!"
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS NOT HAPPY.
CAMPAIGN MANAGER BILL STEPIEN TOLD REPORTERS, "PRESIDENT TRUMP
IS COMMITTED TO DEBATING JOE BIDEN, REGARDLESS OF LAST-MINUTE
RULE CHANGES FROM THE BIASED COMMISSION IN THEIR LATEST
ATTEMPT TO PROVIDE ADVANTAGE TO THEIR FAVORED CANDIDATE."
ENFORCING THE RULES ISN'T GIVING SOMEONE AN ADVANTAGE.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING "THE OLYMPIC JUDGES ARE PLAYING FAVORITES
BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET ME THROW BRICKS AT MICHAEL PHELPS!"
THEY MAY NOT BE HAPPY BUT, ULTIMATELY, THE MUTE BUTTON MAY
PLAY INTO TRUMP'S NEW STRATEGY, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, HIS DEBATE
COACHES NOW WANT HIM TO STOP INTERRUPTING JOE BIDEN AND TO
TRY TO BE MORE LIKABLE.
HOLD ON.
NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE TRUMP MORE LIKABLE?
HE'S BEEN THE PRESIDENT FOR ALMOS FOUR YEARS!
THAT'S LIKE A FIREFIGHTER SHOWING UP TO YOUR
HOUSE, WAITING UNTIL EVERYTHING HAS BURNED TO THE FOUNDATION,
AND SAYING, "OKAY, LET'S TRY SOME WATER NOW!"
THE PRESIDENT'S DEBATE TEAM HAS ALSO INDICATED THAT TRUMP WILL
TELL MORE JOKES AND STRIKE A SOFTER TONE.
BUT THEY ALSO EXPECT TRUMP TO KEEP GOING AFTER BIDEN'S SON
HUNTER.
SO, SOFTER, FUNNY, BUT STILL ATTACK.
( AS TRUMP, WHISPERING )
ROAD?
TO BUY CRACK FOR HUNTER BIDEN."
TOO HIP FOR THE ROOM?" THE CAMPAIGN ALSO WANTS TO GIVE
BIDEN PLENTY OF SPACE TO MAKE A GAFFE, AS THE PRESIDENT
EXPLAINED THIS MORNING TO THE "FOX & FRIENDS."
>> THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT SAY LET HIM TALK, BECAUSE
HE LOSES HIS TRAIN-- LOSES HIS TRAIN-- HE LOSES HIS MIND,
FRANKLY.
>> Stephen: FORGET ABOUT BIDEN.
TRUMP JUST LOST HIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT BETWEEN "TRAIN" AND "OF
THOUGHT."
( AS TRUMP )
UNTIL HE LOSES HIS TRAIN...
LOSES HIS TRAIN... I AM A TRAIN.
♪ RIDING THAT TRAIN HIGH ON COCAINE ♪
SPEAKING OF WHICH, DON JUNIOR.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE 'THE BEST IS YET TO COME' POWDER?
THE INSIDE OF MY SKULL IS STILL STICKY.
TRUMP COMPLAINED THAT THE MEDIA IS SOFT ON JOE BIDEN.
>> LOOK AT YESTERDAY.
HE WALKS OUT OF A STORE, AND THE MEDIA'S STANDING THERE, AND THEY
ASKED HIM "WHAT FLAVOR ICE CREAM DID YOU GET?"
I MEAN, THINK OF THIS.
>> I KNOW.
>> THEY NEVER ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE THAT.
I WANT THEM TO SOMEDAY, BUT THEY NEVER ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE
THAT.
"WHAT FLAVOR ICE CREAM DID YOU GET?"
>> Stephen: YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
I'M GOING TO GUESS BEN & JERRY'S DEX-A-METHACONE DREAM.
BUT THEN, THEN, LATER IN THE INTERVIEW, TRUMP
GOT THE QUESTION HE ASKED FOR: >> DO YOU WANT TO TELL US WHAT
YOUR FAVORITE MILKSHAKE FLAVOR IS?
>> YEAH, I WOULD, IN ABOUT A YEAR OR TWO WHEN EVERYTHING IS
SO PERFECT, I'M GOING TO LET YOU ANSWER THAT, OR ASK ME THAT
QUESTION.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE SOFTBALL YOU ASKED FOR!
JUST SAY YOUR FAVORITE MILKSHAKE!
( AS TRUMP )
BUT I AM TELLING VANILLA TO STAND BACK AND STAND BY."
TRUMP HELD A RALLY IN TUCSON YESTERDAY, AND BEFORE HE WENT
-- DO WE NEED TO REDO THAT OR CA I JUST KEEP GOING?
JUST KEEP GOING OKAY.
BEFORE HE WENT ON, HE TOLD REPORTERS -- SO WE'RE NOT GOING
TO EDIT THAT?
WE'RE NOT GOING TO LATER SEE YOU EDIT IT SO I SAID IS PERFECTLY.
WE'RE GOING TO STICK WITH THIS.
TRANSPARENCY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S "THE LATE SHOW"" PROMISE.
YES I'LL ( BLEEP ) UP, BUT YOU'LL KNOW.
OKAY.
STARS, THEY DON'T DO THEIR JOB VERY WELL.
HE TOLD REPORTERS THAT HE'S NOT DESPERATE BECAUSE HE'S BEHIND IN
THE POLLS.
>> I'M NOT RUNNING SCARED.
I'M RUNNING ANGRY, BECA- I THINK I'M RUNNING ANGRY.
I'M RUNNING HAPPY, AND I'M RUNNING VERY CONTENT.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I'M NOT SCARED.
I'M ANGRY!
ANGRY AT HOW HAPPY AND CONTENT I AM!
WHICH OF COURSE THEN MAKES ME HUNGRY, WHICH MAKES ME SLEEPY.
I'M ALSO VERY DOC AND VERY DOPEY."
ONCE HE WAS ON STAGE, TRUMP ASSURED THE CROWD THAT THE
PANDEMIC IS TOTALLY UNDER CONTROL.
>> WE ARE ROUNDING THE TURN.
WE HAVE THE VACCINES COMING AND ALL, BUT EVEN WITHOUT, WE'RE
ROUNDING THE TURN.
>> Stephen: REALLY, ROUNDING?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE COVID SPIKES?
HOSPITALIZATIONS ARE ON THE RISE IN 41 STATES.
WE'RE NOT ROUNDING THE TURN.
I'M PRETTY SURE WE'RE SHARPENING THE TURN.
WHAT WE'RE LOOKING AT HERE IS A RAZOR-SHARP TURN.
BUT TRUMP SAID WE SHOULD STOP EVEN TRYING TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM
GETTING SICK NOW, BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE GETTING SICK OF TRYING TO DO
THAT.
>> PEOPLE ARE PANDEMICED OUT.
YOU KNOW THAT?
THEY'RE PANDEMICED OUT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S QUITE A RALLYING CRY WHEN WE'RE FACING
AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT.
"WE'RE TIRED OF IT!" REMINDS ME OF CHURCHILL:
>> WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON
THE LANDING GROUNDS...
HOO, BOY, IS ANYONE ELSE A LITTLE NAZI'D OUT?
WHAT IF WE JUST LET THE GERMANS WASH OVER US?
>> Stephen: STILL, TRUMP KNOWS THAT THE ECONOMY HAS TAKEN A
HIT, SO HE TACKED A FEW WORDS ONTO HIS FAMOUS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.
>> UNDER MY ADMINISTRATION, WE BUILT THE GREATEST ECONOMY IN
THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, AND NOW WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, IT'S MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, RIGHT?
I SAY MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, AGAIN-- AGAIN, AGAIN.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW EVERY "AGAIN" YOU ADD IS REALLY JUST
ADMITTING YOU SCREWED SOMETHING UP SO BAD YOU HAD TO FIX IT.
IT'S NOT THAT COMFORTING.
IT'S WHY ARBY'S DISCONTINUED THEIR SLOGAN:
>> ARBY'S, WE HAVE THE MEETS, AGAIN.
>> Stephen: FOR A WHILE IT WASN'T MEAT, EVIDENTLY.
BUT THESE RALLY CROWDS LOVE TRUMP.
AND HE HAD AN INTERESTING REACTION TO THAT LOVE.
>> Crowd: WE LOVE YOU!
>> THANK YOU.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY!
DON'T DO THAT.
I DON'T WANNA CRY.
( CHEERING )
IMAGE, AND THEN YOU WON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.
THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I'M NOT SAYING I BELIEVE EVERYTHING FREUD SAID
ABOUT THE IMPACT OF AN UNLOVING FATHER, BUT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS
"IF I CRY, THEN YOU WON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE," IT SEEMS PRETTY
STRAIGHTFORWARD.
( AS TRUMP, STIFLING CRY )
NO TEARS!
I'M NOT SAD.
I'M TOTALLY HAPPY AND CONTENT.
AND ANGRY!" THEN TRUMP TOOK AIM AT HIS
NEMESIS: THE EARTH.
>> THE GREEN NEW DEAL IS THE CRAZIEST THING, RIGHT?
NO MORE AIRPLANES.
NO MORE DOUBLE CARS.
>> Stephen: NO MORE DOUBLE CARS!
EVERYBODY LOVES DOUBLE CARS!
EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT A DOUBLE CAR IS.
YOU GET A POPPY-SEED BUN, CAR, CHEESE, MAYBE CHICKEN CUTLET,
CAR, BUN.
OR IS IT ONE CAR BETWEEN TWO CHUCKEN PATTIES -- I DON'T KNOW.
TRUMP SAID HE FELT GREAT AFTER GETTING TREATED FOR THE COVID,
AND HE PLAYED WHAT'S FAST BECOMING ONE OF HIS LATEST HITS.
>> I WOKE UP, AND I FELT GOOD.
I SAID, "GET ME OUT OF HERE."
BOOM, SUPERMAN.
>> Crowd: SUPERMAN, SUPERMAN, SUPERMAN.
>> Stephen: TRUMP ISN'T SUPERMAN.
FOR PETE'S SAKE, SUPERMAN SPENDS HALF OF HIS TIME AT LEAST
PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT JOURNALISM.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> "THE DAILY SLAM-IT!"
>> Stephen: TRUMP POINTED OUT HOW MUCH SUN HE'S GETTING AT
THESE RALLIES.
>> YOU'RE GONNA SEE ME TOMORROW, I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE A LOBSTER.
YOU'RE GONNA SAY, "LOOK WHAT WE DID TO HIM."
THEY SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO WEAR A HAT?"
I SAID "THERE'S NO WAY I'M WEARING A HAT."
I GOTTA SHOW THESE-- WE GOTTA SHOW STRENGTH, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, "GONNA" LOOK LIKE A LOBSTER?
YOU ALREADY LOOK LIKE YOU'VE SLATHERED YOURSELF WITH DRAWN
BUTTER.
AND HATS ARE A SIGN OF WEAKNESS?
HATS ARE KIND OF YOUR THING!
YOUR CAMPAIGN HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT HATS...
AND, HATS.
IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT HATS.
TRUMP IS HOLDING SO MANY RALLIES BECAUSE HE'S RUNNING OUT OF CASH
TO ADVERTISE.
MEANWHILE, BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN IS FLUSHED WITH MONEY, AND HE'S
TARGETING SENIORS BY ADVERTISING HEAVILY ON SHOWS SUCH AS
"JEOPARDY!" AND "WHEEL OF FORTUNE."
IN FACT, LAST WEEK, BIDEN EVEN SPONSORED ONE OF THE PUZZLES.
TRUMP MAY BE TRAILING BIDEN IN FUNDRAISING, BUT HE TOLD THE
CROWD HE COULD GET ALL THE MONEY HE NEEDS, IF HE REALLY WANTED
TO.
>> I WOULD BE THE GREATEST FUNDRAISER IN HISTORY.
DON'T FORGET, I'M NOT BAD AT THAT STUFF, ANYWAY, AND I'M
PRESIDENT.
( CHEERING )
EXXON.
I CALL THE HEAD OF EXXON, I DON'T KNOW, "HI, HOW ARE YOU
DOING?
HOW IS ENERGY COMING?
WHEN ARE YOU DOING THE EXPLORATION?
OH, YOU NEED A COUPLE OF PERMITS, HUH?
OKAY."
BUT I CALLED THE HEAD OF EXXON.
I SAID "YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO SEND ME $25 MILLION
FOR THE CAMPAIGN."
"ABSOLUTELY, SIR.
WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK?
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE?" I WOULD RAISE A BILLION DOLLAR
IN ONE DAY IF I WANTED TO.
>> Stephen: IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT TRUMP WAS BRAGGING THAT IT WOULD
BE SO EASY FOR HIM TO EXTORT ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS
FROM AN OIL COMPANY, BUT HE ALSO FISHER-PRICE PHONE.
( AS TRUMP )
HOW IS SPACE?
STILL REAL BIG?
MOON SEEMS TO BE GETTING FAT THIS MONTH.
ANYWAY, I NEED A BILLION DOLLARS SO I CAN BE PRESIDENT.
THANK YOU.
MOMMY HAS MY CHICKEN FINGERS READY, GOOD-BYE."
THIS WAS A HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO, BUT TRUMP'S REPUTATION
FOR QUID PRO QUO IS SO BAD, THAT THE EXXON CORPORATION FELT THE
NEED TO CLARIFY: "WE ARE AWARE OF THE PRESIDENT'S
STATEMENT REGARDING A HYPOTHETICAL CALL WITH OUR
C.E.O.
AND JUST SO WE'RE ALL CLEAR, IT NEVER HAPPENED."
"SURE, WE POISON YOUR COASTLINES, WE BURY CLIMATE-
CHANGE RESEARCH, WE'VE DABBLED IN REGIME CHANGE AND BRUTAL
SUPPRESSION OF POPULAR WILL IN THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES, BUT THIS
GUY MIGHT MAKE US LOOK BAD."
TRUMP'S NOT JUST SICK OF CORONAVIRUS.
HE'S ALSO SICK OF PEOPLE TRYING TO PROTECT YOU FROM IT.
HE'S BEEN ATTACKING DR. ANTHONY FAUCI, SEEN HERE TELLING ONE
COVID PATIENT WHAT NOT TO LICK.
THE PRESIDENT'S BEEN RUNNING OFF HIS MOUTH ABOUT FAUCI, CALLING
HIM AN IDIOT.
WELL, YESTERDAY, IN A RADIO INTERVIEW, FAUCI SAID HE WASN'T
GOING TO COMMENT ON IT, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT THE DRAMA.
AND HE USED A MOVIE REFERENCE TO PROVE HIS POINT:
>> I FOCUS TOTALLY ON THE HEALTH AND THE WELFARE OF THE PEOPLE OF
THIS COUNTRY.
THAT'S THE ONLY THING I REALLY CARE ABOUT.
THAT OTHER STUFF, YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE IN "THE GODFATHER."
NOTHING PERSONAL, STRICTLY BUSINESS, AS FAR AS I'M
CONCERNED.
( LAUGHTER )
THE TRUMPS ARE JUST LIKE THE CORLEONES.
WHO CAN FORGET THIS FAMOUS SCENE:
>> LOOK HOW THEY MASSACRED MY BOY.
>> HEY, GUYS, HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL.
JUST WATCHING MY ALGORITHMS GET CRUSHED.
>> I DON'T WANT HIS MOTHER TO SEE HIM THIS WAY.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
DOLLY PARTON IS HERE!
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."
JOIN US, WON'T YOU.