- But I turned 36 last year, and for the first time ever,
and I've no idea why it's popped up now
and hadn't popped up before now,
but for the first time ever, I feel sexy.
I've never felt sexy before.
I think it's because I feel like I'm in control of things.
I feel quite confident.
Figure-wise, I feel quite womanly.
I think I'm aware of my flaws and I've accepted them,
and anybody who doesn't can fuck off.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
- So I had to go and get me eyes tested,
care to be quite attractive,
but I got these fuckers checked out.
(audience laughing)
I been wearing glasses for 30 years
and the last time I had them checked she said,
"You need some new lenses."
And I thought, I'll treat myself to some new frames,
I'll treat myself.
And I got these ones, I don't know if you can all see them
at the back, and upstairs,
they're sort of a half frame.
And I've got them primarily
cause they look a little bit headmistressy, don't they?
(audience laughing)
And I thought wouldn't it be good to have glasses
that you could wear in the bedroom?
Because if you don't wear glasses in the bedroom
you cannot see what you're tugging, can you?
(audience laughing)
So I've been trying to think of some headmistress things
that I could say that might help the mood, you know.
And I've come up with two,
and I thought before I try them out on me boyfriend,
maybe I could try them out on you lot
if that's all right. (audience laughing)
So this is the first one,
see what you think of this.
I do like the idea that I can forewarn my boyfriend
that I'm about to be sexy, just by moving me glasses.
"Brace yourself, pet."
(audience laughing)
So this is the first headmistressy thing,
see what you think of this.
"If you finish that book, I'll give you a toffee penny."
(audience laughing)
There are pockets of people that like that one,
not everybody does, that's fine, that's fine.
This is the other one, see if you like this one.
"Go and get some sand, Brian's been sick in the hall."
(audience laughing)
That one seem to work?
Good?
(audience laughing)
No, thanks for your input,
I'll try that out on him tonight.
(audience laughing)
But I am getting much better at dirty talk,
I used to be rubbish at it.
I've just had a bit more practise
that's all it is.
I still mostly stick to the classics.
And I mean, I mean, no, I mean
the things people always say,
I don't mean like Charles Dickens. (laughing)
(audience laughing)
"It was the best of times." (groaning)
(audience laughing)
"It was the worst of times." (groaning)
(audience laughing)
"Please sir, can I have some more cock?"
(audience laughing)
But I've been adlibbing lately,
and I've come up with a new one,
and I sort of want to share it with you
cause you're such a nice crowd.
Now I don't mind you using it.
(audience laughing)
That's why I'm telling you,
we could all do with an extra line
in the bedroom, couldn't we?
But do us a favour,
like if you see me at an orgy.
(audience laughing)
Just remembers my fucking line, okay?
(audience laughing)
Although to be fair, you're unlikely
to ever see me at an orgy,
because I've only got a flat
and I think you've got to have a house, haven't you?
(audience laughing)
I'm not really very well equipped
for having a lot of people around,
I've only got four mugs.
(audience laughing)
There's certain things I wouldn't want to have
to explain away to me landlord.
"I dunno who's spunk that is in the carpet."
(audience laughing)
"It's not mine."
(audience laughing)
"Somebody must have trodden it in."
(audience laughing)
So this is the line.
I feel quite nervous now,
because I have genuinely said this during sex.
(audience laughing)
I feel like I want to stand behind the curtain. (giggling)
(audience laughing)
Now I'm going to say it, but I need to sort of,
I kind of need to get myself in the moment, you know,
just bear with us a tick, that's all it'll take.
(audience laughing)
(Sarah moaning)
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
(Sarah moaning)
(audience laughing)
(Sarah moaning)
(audience laughing)
(Sarah moaning)
(Sarah humming) (audience laughing)
(Sarah humming)
(audience laughing)
That makes him look a lot taller than he actually is.
(audience laughing)
It's like I'm shaking his fucking hand. (giggling)
(audience laughing)
And the line is this,
"Get it in, get it in, I've shaved everything,
"don't waste it."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Write it down.
There's another good one
if they're trying to do foreplay on you,
but you're going to miss your train.
(audience laughing)
Just shout "Stop faffing!"
It's very effective, very effective.
(audience laughing)
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican,
and thanks very much for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called Bobby Dazzler.
For all the information about where I'm going
and when, go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks!