The Small Time
Your mother is very upset.
Emphasize the "very".
Good idea.
Very upset.
I know, dad.
With him.
Like a clear: "I'm very upset with him."
I think he understands that.
With you.
She is very upset with you.
I realized that.
He knows.
Is aware I'm not talking to him?
Ask him now.
Your mother wants to know if you're aware she's not talking to you.
Don't put it that way.
What?
Don't say "your mother wants to know" because that way it sounds like I'm still speaking to him
which I am decidedly not.
I think that part is understood.
If anything your mother wants to know emphasises it that you are not speaking to him
because I have to ask and you behave.
I think it carries more weight if you just say:
Do you know your mother's not speaking to you?
I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with you.
If I make it clear that you're not speaking to him by saying "your mother wants to know"...
I'm just gonna jump in here and say:
Yes, I'm aware, dad, that mom isn't speaking to me and also I have to take mom's side on that.
Carry is more of a punch if you don't make me clear she's asking.
He agrees with you.
That's my good boy!
But tell him I'm still not speaking to him.
Your mother says...
No, no, I heard her.
Listen, I'm not just speaking to you as your son, I'm speaking to you as you literary agent.
Tell her I want her new book to sell as much as anyone, but it's a bad idea.
Your mother and I had written three international bestselling self-help books, Benjamin.
And we think our new book on parenting will be very very important.
I'm not arguing that, dad.
In fact, I had promised my therapist that wouldn't argue with that.
I'm just saying: using pictures of me to illustrate your points isn't a good strategy.
If you're saying that because you think we're not proud of you, that really isn't true anymore.
I appreciate that, as far as that goes, but that's not it.
Success is not the only thing a parent can be proud of.
Yes.
It's just... This is a book about bringing up young children.
Yes.
And I'm 41.
That's young to me.
But you get my point.
What's he saying?
He thinks he's too old.
For what?
To pose for the photos.
It would come of as a little weird.
He says...
Talk!
I'm gonna put him on speaker phone.
Benjamin, I'm going to put you on speaker phone.
Hold on a second.
Okay, Benjamin, you are now on speaker phone.
You're on with me and your mother.
Who is still not speaking to him.
Who is still not...
I know, I heard. That is how speaker phones...
You know what? Let's just...
Yes, I am saying the photos of me, being a small child,
will come of, as what's known in the publishing industry as supremely creepy.
Tell him we're not idiots.
We're not idiots, Benjamin.
Tell him that's why we'd have him dressed up as a small child in them.
That's why we have...
Yes, mom, I don't think that's the problem solver you seem to think it is.
Benjamin, this is madness.
Our fighting like this. We have to learn to compromise.
Isn't it a sad state of affairs when a mother isn't even speaking to her own son?
Is that what's finally going to tear our family apart?
Okay, say that damn exactly as I said it, but don't tell him that I said it.
Still on speaker.
To produce a mighty book, you must choose a mighty theme. - Herman Melville
Thanks for coming in, Philip. It's nice to meet you!
May I call you Philip?
You may.
Or mister Embry.
Or Philip, whatever.
Okay.
So, I don't usually meet people without reading their manuscripts first,
but Samantha recommended you so highly and I find she usually has pretty good instincts about this stuff.
That was kind of her.
She must really liked your book.
She hasn't read it.
Okay.
I assume that she had.
I think she only recommended because we fucked three times.
Four times.
Three times, if you wanna count the time that I ejaculated.
Okay.
Great. Sure, then... Great.
Great.
It was fine.
She is multi-orgasmic.
So...
Yes?
You have manuscripts, you want me to read your book?
What..?
My novel.
My God! How many pages is that?
I believe it's 1130.
It's single-spaced.
Usually manuscripts are double...
You know what? Never mind.
Is this the summery of the book?
A glossary of words I invented in the novel.
Look, Philip, this an impressively big, long book you have here.
I mean, the sheer...
How long did it take you to write this?
A year, just under.
You wrote an eleven hundred pages single-spaced manuscript in the year?
Yes.
Jesus, that's...
You must have had a ton of espresso.
Cocaine, mostly.
I also used Shi Quan Da Bu Pian.
I don't...
It's a Chinese herbal remedy.
For what?
Ailments.
Okay.
Alright.
Philip, I'm not gonna...
I can't read this book. Obviously, it would take...
Why don't you tell me what it's about?
Longing, loss, salvation in a godless universe.
It's about how, as Blake wrote: "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom".
Yes.
I meant more in terms of plot.
It's about a group of girls at a private high school.
Okay.
And...
They...
It's just about them, their friends, their lives.
And fashion.
You wrote an eleven hundred page book about some girls at a private high school?
And fashion.
Who is this book for what do you say?
Who is it for?
Yeah, who is the target audience?
I think all humanity can learn from its insights.
I mean, obviously you don't ingest that much Shi Quan Da Bu Pian
without gleaning some pretty hard-earned wisdom along the way.
Okay. Yes, but if you had to narrow it down...
Some rather dark revelations have made themselves known to me.
Sure?
Sure.
But if you had to narrow down a bit.
I mean, which specific group do you think, might glean the most from...
Can't say that.
I'm sorry?
It'a nor a word.
Glean.
You need to use the "-ing".
Gleaning.
Can't you say "glean".
I'm pretty sure glean is a word.
Glean?
Glean.
Like how we saying, which specific group do you think we get the most from this book?
Girls.
Teenage girls.
They're the ones who are best suited for the dark revelations that have become known to you?
Ideally between 14 and 17.
Phil.
Philip.
Thank you.
Sure.
You've written a big enormous novel about teenage girls for teenage girls.
I mean, you see, right? That that doesn't make any sense?
No publisher is gonna publish a book like this in the YA market.
YA market?
The young adult market.
I've never heard that before.
You just spent a year writing a book for young adults...
Teenage girls.
You just spent a year writing a book for teenage girls and you never heard the term YA market?
Does it matter?
No.
I guess not. No.
Look, Philip, my point is that no one is going to publish this book.
It's too much, too big, too...
Unless, do you think we could turn this into a series of books?
I suppose we could.
Although, it will take me at least another year to write a second one.
Plus I would have to order more Shi Quan Da Bu Pian.
No, no!
Not asking you to write another one.
I'm saying... Turn this manuscript into like...
I don't know. Ten books?
No, I don't know. I don't...
I don't know if that would work.
Why not?
Well, this book all takes place in a single day.
It all takes place in a single day.
Your 1100 page single-spaced novel about some girls at a private school.
And fashion.
Right, fashion.
Yes.
I... Philip, I don't think I can help you with this.
I'm sorry.
When Samantha and I would lock in sexual congress we would talk of many things.
Many?
Poetry and nature, of wonder and cosmos, and to an extent that may surprise you,
hit television shows of the 1980's.
And yes, of course, we spoke of you.
Of course?
About whether your bourgeois sensibilities could handle what my novel forces you to confront.
Frankly, we doubted it.
But I haven't read it.
But we hoped that you would, at least, try.
Instead, you sit here all high and mighty on your throne of lies
and hide behind a smokescreen of maddening technical jargon like YA market and single-spaced.
To deny the world and, like, deny yourself what you're both so sorely need.
A finely detailed novel about a group of girls at a private high school.
And fashion.
The Small Time
call me maybe argyle socks the skirt of gossamer like fabric with the pics it's
time maybe into can I call it