The best kind of movie to take a chick on a date
and y'all love this movie, too-- is scary movies.
That's a good one. It's very stimulating.
(moans eerily) You know?
But here's how a guy is supposed to get scared
in a scary movie. Just like this.
"Oh! Ah!
"Ha!
"Hoo!
"Ha, ha! Yeah!
"That was a good one!
Come here, girl, let me protect you from these ghosts."
And she's, like, "Oh, my God, protect me."
That's how you're supposed to get scared.
I don't get scared, I get scurred...
I took this chick to see this movie called
It was irresponsibly scary.
I had to write a letter: "Dear
Tone this shit down, dude."
It was like, she was sitting here
and there was a dude sitting here with a girl.
And I was holding on to his jacket, like,
"Oh, my God, this...
"Hoo! This is...
Run, bitch!"
And, listen, I know he was scared
'cause he was looking at me like,
"Get in here, dawg, get in here.
"Stop messing around, put the armrest up
and get in here, man."
It was scary, you know what I mean?
Now, two things scare me in a movie.
Two things, all right?
One, when people on-screen aren't dealing with
the circumstances in a timely fashion.
And two, little white kids doing demon-y shit.
I'm out when that start happening.
Like, when little white boys start doing this.
(whimpering)
"Mommy?"
I'm in the theater like, "What in the hell is going on?
Nobody see the white boy? Nobody see him?"
Let some little white girls start jump-roping
in the front yard.
♪ One, two, we're gonna kill you. ♪
"Why these little bitches double-Dutching right now?
"Why they double-Dutching?
This ain't a game, you know?"
Insidious
It had all of it.
Now, the reason why you get scared is because we know
something is about to happen.
They should know something is about to happen.
And they acting in a manner
in which nothing is about to happen.
You know what I'm saying? Listen.
We're at an advantage though, we're at an advantage.
Because what's the tip that something is about to happen?
The music-- that sustained string.
(imitates eerie music)
You like, (gasps) "Something gonna happen."
We need that in real life.
That be awesome.
You know, you walking in a parking lot late at night.
(imitates eerie music)
"Who out here?!"
(laughs)
I meet some crazy chicks.
They go, "Hi, I'm Samantha."
(imitates eerie music)
"Yeah, I-I got to actually go, Samantha. Uh..."
Funny thing is, women wouldn't even listen
to the noise-- you know how y'all are.
It'd be... (imitates eerie music)
"So you live with your mother? I can't...
"You're between jo...?
This noise is so loud, I can't even..."
(laughs)
Y'all make bad decisions. Um...
All right, so here's the deal.
Let me tell you about this date.
So, I'm sitting in the movie, right?
Now, now, there's, uh... the chick is sitting
at a piano, her baby's upstairs.
There's a baby monitor on the piano.
The baby monitor starts to go like this.
(deep, demonic growling)
(demonic grumbling)
And she wants to go like this.
Get your baby, bitch.
You-you not gonna get your baby?
I mean, I'm in the theater, like, "This chick is
"not gonna get her baby, everybody.
"Everybody hear that on the thing?
Is it just me?"
(growls)
"Hello?" Who...?
Who you talking to?
Your baby one years old.
The baby finally starts crying after five minutes.
She throw the thing down, and she runs upstairs.
There's literally a demon standing
next to the crib, like this.
(growls)
She swoops up her baby to go downstairs.
You think she leave the house?
I'm walking in the theater,
"This bitch is not gonna leave the house, every..."
Demon in the house,
but she not gonna leave the house.
She waiting for her husband to come home.
I would've had a note on the door:
"Demon in house.
"Best of luck to you.
Baby is upstairs."
Right?
Now, the husband comes home,
and she meets him on the porch with this.
"Where were you?
"I mean, it's, like, 10:00 at night.
"I don't even understand.
"You're supposed to call me when you're working late.
"I just feel like we're not communicating
"in our relationship the way we normally should communicate.
I don't know who we are anymore."
And I'm thinking, "Hey, tell him about the demon."
Women will get you killed with that nonsense.
There's a demon in the house,
and you opening up with female bullshit.
I don't care if your man comes home
and he's covered in (bleep).
Covered, it's just dripping.
Your sister is pregnant with his lovechild.
His best friend turns out to be his gay lover.
You open with, "There's a demon...
"in the house.
"I'm gonna deal with all this, I promise you.
But can we get this demon out of here?"
This at the point of the date where I just--
it went bananas, okay, 'cause the-the...
Somebody knocks on the door, the dude goes downstairs,
nobody's there.
He puts on the alarm, hits the deadbolt.
He goes upstairs, the alarm goes off.
He comes downstairs, the door's wide open.
I'm like, "Get the hell out of there."
But, oh, no, he wants to grab something.
You know why he did that?
'Cause she didn't tell him about that demon.
He was not prepared for a demon.
And this is when went it went crazy.
(imitates eerie music)
She went like this. (shrieks)
And I went like this: "Bitch!"
I didn't mean to do it, I swear to you.
And you know what you're supposed to do
in that situation, you're supposed to be like,
"Oh, baby, I'm sorry about that, I was..."
No, but I was freaking out, like,
"Don't you ever touch me in a movie like that
when there's demons in here trying to get us killed!"
You know, we-we-- the date over.
She's running out the place.
I can't find my car in the parking lot.
I'm yelling at her, "See, a demon has my shit
'cause you in there messing around."