- What a gross car.
- How is that car even running?
- Wait, how do I know that car?
- Does it remind you of the rusty pieces
of scrap metal your mom used to let you
play on as a kid?
(chuckles)
- No.
Well, kind of.
Oh no.
I had sex in that car.
- How do you know?
- The dice in the back.
I even made a joke about it because
I didn't have a condom.
I was like "let's roll the dice."
- Okay, first of all, gross.
Second of all, terrible joke.
This one's all you.
- No, you got...please you gotta take...
I don't even remember her name.
- Just call her a nickname
like baby cakes or strong calves.
- Strong calves?
- Sweetie, whatever.
- Please, you gotta take this one.
- I can't.
I don't get along with girls like that.
- Yeah, you're right.
You probably couldn't sell this chick a car.
- I could sell this chick a car.
- No you couldn't.
- Yes I could.
- No you couldn't.
- Yes I can and I will!
- Fine, do it.
(car door creaks open and shuts)
- That's a nice jacket.
It really brings out your, uhm...
- Where is he? Where's Dan?
- Dan who?
- Dan. About this tall.
Jacked up teeth, crooked smile.
Can't trust him.
That Dan?
- Oh, that...
- You know that Dan?
- Yeah, that's a very...
- Likes to pick up lonely women,
maybe going through a tough time.
Take them out back, dump his load in them.
You know that Dan?
- I would add in that he has a skinny fat body.
- You're right about that.
- But he's not here. I can help you.
- You think you can cover three years back
child support?
You think you can do that?
But you can't do too much for me.
So find me Dan.
Where is he?
- And that's him sleeping.
- Dogs are awesome.
- And that's him sleeping with his paw out.
- It's like he's reaching out to you
from his dreams.
- And that's him sleeping right after he yawned.
He's fucking adorable.
- Show him that picture of him yawning.
- Shut up.
Hey! What did I tell you about running in here?
- I'm not...
- Making people feel bad with all that exercise.
- I'm not exercising.
Although you should exercise 23 minutes a day,
seven to ten days a week.
- Or you could not and be pretty happy.
- Oh you'll be pretty happy to know
that there's a woman outside that says
she has your baby and you owe her
three years of back child support.
- What? I have a kid?
- Yeah, his name's Burt.
- She named my kid Burt?
What is he, a 55 year old mechanic?
- That reminds me, I dated a guy named Burt.
He was nice. I mean, not to me.
- I can't be a dad. What about my band?
- Oh, right, you can't be a dad.
You're a terrible role model.
- What?
I'd be a better role model than
Big Gulps and hot dogs out there.
If she wants three years of back child support
then I want three years of back child love.
- You want what?
- I want child love!
Man, I immediately knew that sounded weird.
I want quality time with my son.
Give me back my son!
- Maybe he's not yours.
- Think there's a chance?
- I mean, you do smoke enough pot
to make an Italian bull sterile.
- Just...can you go out there and like,
see if she's got anything concrete or scientific?
Anything that can sink me in court.
- And get it notarized. That's what holds up
in court and makes it easier to break
them lemon laws.
- I'm not good at that kind of conversation.
I'm only good at conversations about
exercise, and yoga is not exercising.
It's stretching and toddler mats.
- Just go out there and have some girl talk.
- I don't want to!
- Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot you can't.
- Oh, I can.
- No you can't.
- Yes I can!
- No you can't.
- Yes I can and I will!
- Seriously, that works every time.
- Cause she's stupid.
(sniffs)
- Hey, Dan's out on a test drive with a customer.
- Yeah? I'm gonna wait.
- Okay.
- Sit down and eat.
- Yeah, I'm good.
- Yoga pants, sit it down and eat something.
- I don't do yoga, I'm not a mom
with too much time on her hands.
- I don't care, nobody cares, okay?
- Okay.
I'm Michelle.
- I'm Dawn. With a "w."
- There's no other way to spell "Dawn."
- Grab yourself something to snack on
and sit the fuck down.
- Um, this looks good to me.
(sniffs)
So, why don't you tell me a little bit
about Burt, you said? Right?
- Burt? Burt is huge. Lucky for him,
he got my genes, so he's gonna be all set there.
- Yeah, that's great. And what do you do?
- Bouncer for now, but, I'm working
on this food car idea.
- Food cart?
- Food car. C-A-R.
- Okay.
- Everybody else, they got those
big ol' food trucks, but for me,
I'm gonna simplify, I'm gonna amplify,
I'm gonna take it to the streets in my food car.
- Yeah, it's like you can't lose.
Do you have a picture of Burt?
- Mm, a picture of Burt.
Look at that little dude.
- Oh wow, yeah.
Little is not, uh, the word I would use.
- He's about 128 pounds.
I'm about to take a real quick dump.
(burps)
Be right back.
- You can...there's an office.
- There's no time. I don't have time.
Oh, that's right. Oh, oh God.
- Calm down, I got three I don't even talk to.
(door opens and slams)
Nice entrance, Kramer.
- It's not your kid.
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.
- How positive?
- The kid's black.
- How black?
- Borderline purple. It's not your kid.
- Wow, that's very black.
But, think about it. I do play bass.
So I got rhythm. I could be part black.
- No, no, no. No to all of that.
You're whiter than Masters tickets.
It's not your kid.
- That's very white. You know what?
Now that I know I'm not the father,
it kind gives her like a MILF quality.
[Michelle] - No, you cannot be serious.
- Yeah, I'd be a pretty good step-dad.
- No you wouldn't. You'd be a terrible step-dad.
- Dawn!
[Michelle] - Look at him running back into that fire.
- God, his simplicity's almost admirable.
- That was almost beautiful.
- Know what would be really beautiful, Michelle?
If you were on the lot selling some fucking cars.
- Oh, you know, you're tough but you're fair.
(beating music)