( APPLAUSE )
JON-- WE'VE GOT-- ♪ OOOOH, AHHH.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT COMING UP, COMING UP IN JUST A LITTLE
WHILE, THE WONDERFUL, THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED, PHOEBE
ROBINSON, FANTASTIC COMEDIAN.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
SHE'S GREAT.
>> Stephen: AND OF COURSE OUR FRIEND AND CBS COLLEAGUE DREW
CAREY IS GOING TO BE HERE, HOST OF "THE PRICE IS RIGHT."
HOST OF "THE PRICE IS RIGHT" FOR THE LAST 15 YEARS.
50-- 50th ANNIVERSARY, THE "THE PRICE IS RIGHT."
HOW MANY KIDS SICK HOME FROM SCHOOL OWE THEIR AFTERNOON
ENJOYMENT TO THAT SHOW?
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
I LOVED IT.
I USED TO BE THERE CHECKING IT OUT WITH GRANDMA, YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT WAS THAT SONG YOU GUYS WERE JUST PLAYING?
>> Jon: THAT WAS A VERSION OF BEETHOVEN'S SEVENTH SYMPHONY.
>> Stephen: I DID NOT REALIZE BEETHOVEN WAS SO HIP.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT SWUNG IN WAYS I'M NOT USED TO BEETHOVEN DOING.
>> Jon: HE'S IN THERE.
YOU JUST HAVE TO PULL IT OUT ♪ DEE-DEE-DEE.
>> Stephen: HOW WOULD YOU CLASSICALLY PLAY?
CAN YOU GIVE ME A TASTE OF THAT.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: AND YOU JUST
DID...
♪ ♪ ♪ ( AUDIENCE CLAPPING )
>> Jon: YOU GOT A VIBE.
RIGHT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT.
THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE HAND-RAISING
AND SELECTING THE NEWSIEST, MOST-OPICAL SEVILLE ORANGES,
CAREFULLY SIMMERING THEM WITH TURBINADO SUGAR AND PRISTINE
FILTERED WATER TO CREATE FOR YOU A DOUBLE-GOLD-MEDAL-WINNING
BITTERSWEET ENGLISH MARMALADE TO SPREAD ON THE PERFECTLY TOASTED
ARTISANAL BRIOCHE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I GRAB AN EXPIRED TUB OF
WHIPPING CREAM, TOSS IT IN A BLENDER WITH THE HALF OF A
GOGURT I FOUND IN A SCHOOLYARD, AND LET THAT FERMENT BEHIND THE
FURNACE WHILE I FISH A DRIED PITA OUT OF THE GUTTER
UNDERNEATH THE CORNER KEBAB STAND, THEN SLATHER IT WITH THE
UNPASTEURIZED DAIRY NIGHTMARE DAIRY OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"MEANWHILE" IS SO FORGIVING, IS WHAT IT IS.
MEANWHILE, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN GUITAR MAFIOSO STEVEN VAN ZANDT
SAYS HE LOVED THREESOMES SO MUCH IN THE 1970s THAT HE DEVELOPED A
TEMPORARY ADDICTION TO MENAGES A TROIS.
THAT IS THE MOST BALD ATTEMPT TO HIDE A BRAG UNDERNEATH BEING A
VICTIM: "LOOK, I KNEW I'D HIT ROCK
BOTTOM WHEN I REALIZED I WAS A WEALTHY ROCK STAR HAVING GROUP
SEX EVERY NIGHT WITH WOMEN WHO WORSHIPPED ME SEXUALLY.
IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD REACHED OUT.
OR BETTER YET, TWO OF THEM."
( LAUGHTER )
DISCUSSING HIS LITTLE STEVEN, SAYING, "THE 70s, THERE'S NEVER
BEEN ANYTHING QUITE LIKE IT, HONESTLY.
IT WAS JUST A WILD, WILD TIME AND THE WOMEN WERE TRULY, TRULY
LIBERATED THERE FOR A MINUTE."
"YEAH, BUT NOW THAT I'M 70, WOMEN NO LONGER HAVE GROUP SEX
WITH ME.
WHEN DID THEY BECOME SO OPPRESSED?"
( LAUGHTER )
GLOBAL SHIPPING ENTERPRISES AND SECONDARY MARKET MEAT PRODUCTS"
SOMETIMES FIND SO MANY ANIMAL- RELATED STORIES THAT WE HAVE TO
REPACKAGE THEM IN OUR MEANWHILE SUBSEGMENT: "MEANWILD."
( LAUGHTER )
HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING TO CONTROL THE INVASIVE LANTERNFLY, AND NOW
THEY'VE RAISED THE ANTE.
AS "CBS NEWS PUT IT, "THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL SPOTTED
INSECT FLYING ACROSS THE U.S., AND OFFICIALS WANT YOU TO
KILL IT."
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
I CANNOT ENDORSE KILLING THINGS THAT ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL.
IF WE DID THAT, HOW LONG COULD I POSSIBLY LAST?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWILD, THINGS GOT A LITTLE TOO EDUCATIONAL AT THE BRONX ZOO
LAST WEEK WHEN AN ADULT GORILLA WAS FILMED PERFORMING ORAL SEX
ON ITS PARTNER IN FRONT OF AGHAST ZOO-GOERS.
GORILLAS?
PLEASE GO BACK TO DOING RESPECTABLE, GENTEEL THINGS LIKE
HURLING YOUR POOP AT US.
( LAUGHTER )
WANT YOU TO BRACE YOURSELF.
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE FOOTAGE IN MY NEW
ADULTS-ONLY SEGMENT: "MEANWILD AFTER DARK."
( APPLAUSE )
BUT NOT TO THE ZOO.
JIM?
>> LOOK AT THESE TWO, AWWW!
OH, NO, OH, NO!
>> OH, NO!
DON'T LOOK, JOSEY!
OH, GOD LORD!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: THESE "PLANET OF THE APES" SEQUELS ARE GETTING SPICY!
I HAVE TO SAY, ANDY SERKIS IS REALLY COMMITTING.
APPARENTLY, THIS IS NOT UNUSUAL.
SCIENTISTS SAY ORAL SEX IS ACTUALLY FAIRLY COMMON
THROUGHOUT THE ANIMAL KINGDOM WITH SIGHTINGS OF SPECIES
RANGING FROM CHEETAHS TO BEARS AND BATS ENGAGING IN THE
SALACIOUS ACT.
ADDING, "AND WE REALLY NEED TO WATCH A LOT OF ANIMAL ORAL SEX
FOR ALL THE RESEARCH AND STUFF PLEASE CLOSE THE DOOR ON YOUR
WAY OUT."
MEANWILD, IN OHIO, THE LEWISBURG HAUNTED CAVE HAS REOPENED JUST
IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN, WHICH THEY CLAIM IS HOME OF BOTH
GHOULS AND TERRORS, AND 30,000 LIVE BATS.
WAIT, YOU CAN'T COMBINE REAL HORRORS WITH FAKE HORRORS.
IMAGINE WALKING THROUGH THAT WITH A SCARED KID:
"IT'S OK, HONEY.
NONE OF IT'S REAL, EXCEPT FOR THE BATS.
THEY'RE SUPER REAL.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE ARE ONLY 30,000 OF THEM."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DREW CAREY.
♪ ♪ ♪