- ♪ Magical mornings and afternoon delights ♪
(clapping)
♪ Far out friends and fantabulicious nights ♪
♪ Come on and sit Side By Side By Susan Blackwell ♪
♪ Sit your fat ass down ♪
♪ And get Side By Side By Susan Blackwell ♪
- Hey everybody, it's me, Susan Blackwell,
and today I'm side by side
with my favorite Broadway camel toe,
look everybody, from the musical "Waitress,"
it's Colleen Ballinger!
Colleen! Hi! - Hi!
- Tell our friends at home where we are
and what we're doing today.
- We are at 5 Napkin Burger,
and we're just gonna chat and eat burgers.
I'm, are you gonna eat a burger?
- I'm gonna eat a burger salad.
- Ah, that's very responsible of you.
- I know, you're gonna have a full burger,
I'm probably gonna eat half your fries,
and a sugar soda.
- Yes, I am getting a sugar soda.
- You're the only person, adult or child, I know who--
- What?
- Sugar soda?
- Yes, sugar soda!
(music)
- The name of the game is 30-second life story,
I'm gonna put 30 seconds on the clock,
you have to tell me your entire life story,
don't leave out the awesome parts,
starting now.
- I was born in Santa Barbara, California,
and I was homeschooled for a couple of years of my life,
which really shaped the person that I am today,
it was a very weird homeschooling experience,
I ate goat cheese and milked goats,
and made dolls out of vegetables.
Then, I became obsessed with theater
when I became about, like, 10 or 11 years old.
I started doing theater,
I went to school for vocal performance,
and then I created this character named Miranda, and--
- [Susan] 10 seconds.
- It took off, and I got millions of views,
and that became my career.
I paid a lot of money to learn how to sing,
and now I sing badly for a living.
- Perfectly done.
- Yes!
- Super bonus, what is the title of that autobiography?
- "Lipstick and Camel Toes."
(music)
- You are about to make your Broadway debut in "Waitress."
What the what is that like?
- Terrifying.
- [Susan] Really?
- It's terrifying.
- You're used to being on stage all the time!
- Yeah, it's so different
because I've always, like, idolized Broadway,
to me, it's always been the top of the top,
number one thing you could do.
- [Susan] Got it, yeah.
- Like, since I was a little girl, like,
movies (blows raspberry), TV (blows raspberry),
it was always Broadway.
- Internet. (blows raspberry)
- Yeah, Internet, what was that?
You know, so-- - Yeah.
- Yeah, I never thought it was something
that was gonna be a part of my life or career.
I almost just broke my hand on the table.
- That would not be good for "Waitress."
- It'd be good for the views!
(clapping)
- You went to a Christian private college?
- Uh huh.
- [Susan] What the what was that like?
- That was--
- Awe... some?
- I mean, how much time to we got, girl?
'Cause, no, not awesome.
- Awe... nawesome?
- I mean, I can totally be on record saying that, like,
it was not a good experience.
(clapping)
In college, a lot of the girls would call God,
including myself, Dad or Daddy, like Father.
- What?
- Yeah, I swear to God.
So I have, like, prayer journal entries that are like,
"Dear Daddy," I'm not kidding, and they're to God.
- How... huh?
- Yeah. And not only that, but girls would say, like,
"I'm not dating right now because I'm already taken,
"I'm dating Jesus."
(clapping)
- This is beautiful.
- Oh my gosh, that looks responsible.
- But it's so good.
- There's not a single green thing near me.
There's no--
- This, you're eating what I like to call,
from the brown palette.
- I like that I have this as though I'm going to...
I'm like, I am a respectable human,
who's gonna eat with a fork and knife.
- Just lift it to your face.
- Like, let's be honest. - Come on.
- I don't need a fork and knife.
I'm going for it. Can I go for it?
- Go for it.
Yes! Get it in there.
- Oh yeah. Oh come on.
- [Susan] It's so good.
(music)
Your cats, doll clothes, and the clip-on earrings
from your Pretty Pretty Princess Board Game,
care to comment, Colleen Ballinger?
- I do care to comment.
- [Susan] (laughs)
- I don't appreciate the shade and judgment
coming from you right now.
- I'm just laying out fact, fact, fact.
- Here's the deal. I didn't have friends.
(laughs)
- But you did have cats.
- But I had cats.
And my cats were my best friends.
And what's weirder than dressing my cat up
in the Pretty Pretty Princess stuff,
was the fact that I trained my cat to pee in the toilet
after I did.
- I always wanted to do that!
How did you do it?
Did you just dip your cats butt in the toilet water?
- No, my cat was just obsessed with me,
and followed me everywhere I went,
and would follow me in the bathroom--
- I like where this is going.
- and would just watch me pee or other,
and then would jump up, wanted to be where I was,
so it would jump up on the toilet,
after I peed, and so one day I was washing my hands,
and I heard the sound of pee.
- Stop it!
- And I was like, "What's happening?
"How is there sound of water?"
And I looked at my cat was just squatting
on the toilet peeing.
(clapping)
- Your doll Kaida. Care to comment Colleen Ballinger?
- Oh my God!
You know the deepest darkest secrets of my life!
- I know this seems like a bag of bull (beep)
but I actually do my research.
- My doll, how do you know about my doll Kaida?
- How do I not know about your doll Kaida?
- Oh my God, Kaida has been abused. (laughs)
- Okay first, for the folks at home, describe Kaida.
- Kaida, (laughs) oh my God, Kaida is so creepy.
I was given Kaida, which is this, like, life-sized doll,
when I was maybe like five or six.
A family friend made Kaida.
- So homemade.
- And she's like, just white material stuffed
with, like, pillow stuffing I guess,
with the creepiest, like, sewn on eyes and mouth,
like yarn hair, the creepiest looking thing.
At some point in her life she lost an eye,
she lost some of her hair,
but the worst was that my brother loved making videos,
growing up we always made home videos,
but, like, with a story and a plot, you know?
And Kaida was the stunt double for everything.
So if someone fell off a cliff, or was hit by a car,
or whatever, it was Kaida.
So Kaida has been very abused and has had a very rough life.
- Kaida's a star.
- Yeah, but it didn't matter, also I love
that it didn't matter who she was the stunt double for,
like it could've been my dad,
who was, like, a six-foot-four man,
and it was Kaida, was the stunt double every time.
- Do you have these videos?
- Oh yes, of course.
- Roll clip.
- What are you doing? What are you doing?
Go! No!
(Kaida thumps on ground)
Ah! (grunts in pain)
(music)
- You must've been in a little talent show
when you were growing up.
- Yes, okay, yes.
- Can you just give me a little taste
of whatever you did in that talent show?
- I sang "You Can't Stop the Beat" with my choir.
- Huh? Favor me with a little piece of that.
- But it was like,
♪ You can't stop the beat ♪
♪ If the... ♪
But what's the...
♪ Motion of the ocean or the rain from above ♪
♪ You can try to stop the feeling that I'm dreaming of ♪
♪ But you can't stop the feeling of two hearts in love today ♪
Like that.
(music)
- Fill the musical blanks in song.
The first song I remember singing when I was little is:
- ♪ I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas ♪
Do you know that song?
- I do.
- ♪ I like to oat, oat, oat, oat opples and banonos. ♪
♪ I like to ate, ate, ate aypples and banaynays. ♪
- So good.
- See?
- The first record I bought with my own money was:
- ♪ 525,600 minutes ♪
- You're kidding, it was "Rent"! More, more, more!
- ♪ 525,000 moments so dear ♪
- [Susan] Yes, dig in.
- ♪ 525,600 minutes ♪
- My current go-to audition song is:
- I can tell you what it was.
- [Susan] Hit me.
- ♪ Gimme, gimme that thing called love ♪
- Yes, "Millie."
- This was, like, eight years ago.
- Come on.
- ♪ I crave it, gimme gimme that thing called love ♪
- My go-to karaoke song is:
- Oh.
- [Susan] Oh!
Believe it or not, it's
♪ Take me baby, or leave me ♪
- Rent, Rent, Rent, Rent, Rent, Rent, Rent.
- I know, it was, like, a big part of my high school life.
- Sure. The "Waitress" ear worm
that I can't get out of my (beep) head is:
- ♪ Take it from an old man ♪
(music)
- If these walls could talk,
what is the craziest thing you ever seen in a theater,
backstage at a theater, outside of a theater,
in an audience?
- Oh my God, the stories I could tell you.
- What is the craziest thing?
- I was at a comedy club, they were very rude to me there,
like, horrifically mean, awful.
I'm not gonna name any names,
but it was in... just kidding.
And I had to go to the bathroom.
So I go to the bathroom, and I go to the bathroom,
my nerve bathroom time--
- Doozies.
- Stand up, try to flush the toilet, and it doesn't flush.
- Oh no.
- And then I look around the room, and I go,
"There's a lot of, like, props in here."
There was tons of props, in fact,
this is a prop closet, and this is a prop toilet,
and I just sprayed my nerves.
- [Susan] You're lying lies.
- I swear to God. I swear to God.
Luckily, it was after my show,
and so I was able to just get out of there.
(music)
- God or no God?
- (gasps) God.
- What happens when we die?
- I don't wanna know.
- Do aliens exist?
- Yes.
- Are ghosts real?
- Yes.
- What do you want to accomplish before you die?
- Happiness. I'm already there, but, like, continuing it.
- More, more!
- More happiness!
- If you could have one word carved on your tombstone,
what would it be?
- Annoying.
- What's your purpose in life?
- My son.
- Cake or pie?
- Cake. Sorry "Waitress."
- Yes!
(music)
I've got your nose, and you can have it back,
but first you have to sing me a song.
- Oh, jeez.
- [Susan] Make it a good one.
- ♪ I love you Susan, oh yes I do ♪
♪ I love you Susan ♪
- Keep going.
- ♪ Watch out for my poo ♪
♪ It's in that comedy club ♪
♪ It's a zoo ♪
♪ Oh Susan, I love you ♪
- Now, hum it out.
- (hums)
- This has been another amazing episode
of Side By Side By Susan Blackwell
with my friend Colleen Ballinger.
Do yourself a favor, go see her in "Waitress"
on the Broadway.
You will not regret it.
- (finishes humming song)
- Have it back.
- Thank you! - Oh!
- You're the best! - You are.
(music)
Now let's do this as Miranda.
- Okay. - Ready?
Fill in the musical blanks.
The first song I remember singing when I was little is:
- ♪ I am amazing, it's me, Miranda, I'm so good ♪
It's an original.
- The first record I bought with my own money was:
- Well the first record I bought was my own, so it's
♪ I am amazing, I am so wonderful and amazing ♪
- My current go-to audition song is:
- ♪ I am amazing, oh it's me, Miranda, I am amazing ♪
- My go-to karaoke song is:
- ♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ With you and I ♪
♪ I'm defying gravity ♪
♪ And you can't hold me down ♪
♪ OoOOOaaAAAAah ♪
- The "Waitress" song that I love is:
- I never heard of that show.