-That boy is our last hope
-I do not see a boy.
I see a warrior.
-Ha ha! Look.
♪♪♪♪
-Oh, word?
♪♪♪♪
[ Music continues indistinctly over headphones ]
-Chad!
Chad!
-Oh. [ Music stops ]
What up, Miss Handler?
[ Vacuum stops ]
Hey.
-Oh, my God.
Chad -- No, no, Chad. We can't do this anymore.
-Oh, okay.
-Wait.
-I couldn't sleep last night
-Oh, I hate that. -What am I doing?
Am I some bored housewife
who's having an affair with her 23-year-old pool boy?
I mean, what is this? -Your kitchen.
-No, I mean us.
I really hope you understand but we have to end this.
-Okay.
-God, I had no idea it would be this hard.
It's just when at first --
[ Vacuum starts ]
Chad!
-What up?
-You deserve an explanation!
-Oh, okay, cool.
[ Vacuum stops ]
-Look, you've done nothing wrong, okay?
I should have known better but I don't know, it was just --
it was fun.
It was new.
-Okay. -But, my God.
I'm a married woman with three kids.
My husband's on the city council.
I'm the PTA president at Melanie's school.
-Who's Melanie? -My daughter.
-Okay.
-God, if this got out, it would just ruin my life
our family's lives. -Aw. My bad.
-But, God, all I want you to d is clear the bags off this table
and take me right now.
-Okay.
-But you can't. -Oh, okay.
-Because I've learned that sometimes getting what you wan
means losing what you already have.
Look, I -- I wrote this for you last night.
-Oh, okay.
-Oh, my God, I'm blushing.
I just want you to know I'm no a very good writer, okay?
And, I mean, it's not sophisticated,
but it's how I feel.
I just -- I mean every wor
of what I wrote.
-Whoa!
Hey, Miss Handler!
I found a dead squirrel in your pool! [ Chuckles ]
♪♪♪♪
-Bye, Chad.
[ Lawnmower starts ]
Hello?
-What up?
-Where's Phillip?
-Oh, my uncle just hired me.
I'm gonna be doing your house now.
I'm Toby.
-I'm gonna [bleep] that kid.
♪♪♪♪
-No, that's alright.
I-I do think that is what Descartes intended.
For instance, people who speak exist.
You and I are speaking,
therefore, you and I...
-Exist?
-Congratulations.
You just used your first Cartesian logic
-Okay.
-You know, I do hope you continue to drop by, Chad.
I really quite enjoy our visits.
-Okay.
♪♪♪♪
No, thanks.
-Oh, help.
No. I-I'm so sorry.
That was unbelievably inappropriate behavior, Chad
I...
I apologize. I just -- I-I-I misread the moment.
-Okay.
-See, I mistook your frequent visits here
to mean...
something more.
-Aw. My bad.
-No, it's... not your fault at all.
Truth be told, I've not been myself of late.
And this weekend, I...
I'm getting married to a beautiful young lady.
-Oh, congrats.
-And yet, I feel nothing, Chad
Nothing! -Okay.
-Oh, but that doesn't matter
because it's all a part of Daddy's master plan.
You know, marry the rich gir from Newport,
become a professor and achieve tenure by 40.
God forbid the great Leonard Buckley's so
should feel the love of another man!
[ Globe shatters ] -Oh, no, your globe.
-I was drawn to you, Chad, because, truth be told,
I envy you.
You're a man who lives his lif free from doubt and worry.
I want to be you, Chad.
-Okay.
-Oh, my word. This is so pathetic.
Look at me, I'm a 28 year ol professor's assistant,
pouring my heart out to a sophomore's student.
Am I boring you?
-Kind of.
-Ugh.
You can, of course, leave at any time you wish
and spare yourself my ramblings, though I have to admit,
having an ear to bend make a welcomed respite fro--
[ Door closes ]
Chad?
Chad?!
Chad?
-What up?
-Would you mind skating back here for a moment?
There's something else I wanted to say to you.
-Oh, okay.
-Chad, you passed it.
-Oh, my bad.
-Chad, I hope we can forge
about my brief lack
of self-control today. -Okay.
-I truly hope that my action haven't tainted our friendship
-[ Chuckles ] "Taint."
-And lastly, Chad, I'd like to thank you
because today, you taught me
For a brief moment,
I wasn't a spectator
to my own life.
I was living it.
-[ Farts ]
Safety.
-[ Chuckles ]
-You're right, Chad. I should laugh more.
Anyway...
I'd appreciate it if you kep what happened between us today
a secret. -Okay.
-Hey, Chad. What the hell? What's taking so long?
-Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Buckley tried to kiss me
-Okay. Are you hungry?
-Uh-huh.
-Oh, you're so right, Chad
I shouldn't keep my secret in the dark.
♪♪♪♪
Thank you, Chad.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
♪♪♪♪
[ Video game sound effects ]
[ Humming ]
♪♪♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Welcome.
Our prophets told of a savior.
He would arrive from another land
and free our world from the grip of darkness.
What is your birth name?
-Chad.
-The Dark Lord Azerhan and his Army of Shadows
has entombed our world in ice and snow.
-Only you can defeat him, Chad -Okay.
-We must inform the queen of your arrival.
-No need.
I felt his presence.
-[ Chuckles ]
-I am Queen Chrysalis, ruler of Etheria
and the nine rivers
from Stark to Everseed. -Okay.
-There was a time when these meadows bloomed
and there is hope they may bloom again,
for today marks your coming.
-Heh heh. "Coming." -You are the savior of Etheria
So says the prophecy!
-So says the prophecy!
-Okay.
-But you must undertake a dangerous journey.
You may return to your world at any time if you desire.
The choice is yours.
But be warned.
-He left. -What?
Go.
-My liege. -Yes.
-Chad...
why did you leave?
-I was bored.
-Can you come back for a moment? We weren't done.
-Okay.
-Thank you, Chad.
You have chosen to follow your destiny.
-First, you must climb
the Mountain of Despair. -Okay.
-Then ford the River of Flame. -Okay.
-And survive the Forest of Translucent Transgressions.
-And after the veil of evi is lifted,
you will become King,
and I will gift with you my virginity.
-Dope.
[ Laughter ]
-After your journey.
-Oh. Okay.
-To aid you on this quest, we give you these items.
-From the Order of the Centauri,
I present you with this map to guide you.
Thousands of my kind died beyond the mountains to create it
May they rest with the gods.
[ Wind gusts ] [ Laughter ]
-And from the Kingdom of Dwarves,
I give you the Crystal of Gumligin
to light your path.
[ Twinkle! ] -Gay.
-And from the Elven Council,
the sword of the great warrior Ashton.
♪♪♪♪
-Safe travels, young warrior
May the great gods bless you
-Okay.
♪♪♪♪
-That boy is our last hope
-I do not see a boy.
I see a warrior.
-Ha ha! Look!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪♪♪
-Heh.
It's like his sword is his penis.
Very clever.
-Okay.
-Going once, going twice.
Whoa! Sold for a whopping $1,600
Congratulations to this lovely young lady at table six.
You have won breakfast and a private tennis lesso
with our head instructor, Brandon.
-[ Chuckles ] Heads up, I'm gonna make you sweat.
-At breakfast?
-No. The tennis lesson.
-Okay, you two go see Dana to set that date.
$1,600 is the biggest take so far
in our Orange Park Acres Tennis Club Bachelor Auction
Remember, all proceeds from tonight go
to our club's youth traveling team.
So keep those bids coming.
Our next tennis club bachelo works at the Club Pro Shop
It's Chad.
Uh, you may know Chad from vaping in the parking lot
You are bidding on a lunch with Chad.
So we'll start the bidding at, I don't know, 50 bucks.
Sound good, Chad? -Okay.
-Alright, do I hear $50?
-Oh, my God.
There's something about that boy.
$50! -$100.
-$500.
-$1,000.
-Wow, uh, Chad's a hit.
Anything to keep those bids coming, man?
You got any hidden talents, Chad?
-Uh, I-I made up a dance calle "The Doink Doink."
-Alright, let's see it.
-Okay.
♪♪ Doink, doink ♪♪
♪♪ Doink, doink, doink, doink, doink ♪♪
Whoo!
-Oh, my God.
"The Doink Doink" is amazing
-Yes. We have eyes, Sylvia
-$5,000. -Oh, typical Cecile.
Jump in when the action's hot.
-$10,000, and I'll raise myself to $15,000.
I must have the Doink Doink.
-Go home, ladies!
Patty's come to play.
30,000 damn dollars!
-$50,000, and that's a bargain.
-Look, I am willing to go to six figures,
but I need more.
What else does Chad bring to the table?
-Uh, any other talents, Chad
-Uh, I-I could do an impressio of Jim Carrey as the Grinch.
-Oh, Jesus Christ. This place is going to explode
-$100,000. I don't even need to hear it
-What if it's not good?
-Of course it'll be good. It's Chad, you cow!
-Just shut up. All of you.
Let Chad work.
-Okay, uh...
this is when he's talking to his dog.
[ As Jim Carrey ] "Tomorrow is Christmas.
It's practically here!"
-$500,000.
-$600,000.
That sounded exactly like the Grinch!
-$700,000,
and I didn't even see "The Grinch."
-I feel like I'm in the Upside Down right now.
Chad's Grinch impression took us to 700 grand.
Anything else you're hidin from us, Chad?
-Oh, uh, I can do a magic trick.
-It's pointless, ladies.
There's a reason you all call me "Richy Bitch" behind my back
I get what I want. -Oh, quiet, pig! Look!
-Boing, boing, boing, boing!
Boing, boing, boing, boing
Boing, boing, boing, boing!
-$10 million!
-$10 million going once, twice
sold to the mystery man in the fun coat!
Who are you, sir?
-It doesn't matter.
What matters is the lunch with Chad is mine!
Have the boy cleaned and taken to my lodge.
[ Laughter ]
-Sounds kind of creepy. Uh, you cool with that, Chad
-Okay.
-Okay. Big hand for Chad.
Alright, Chad!
Alright. Onto our big-ticket item.
We pulled a lot of strings to get him here.
Get your checkbooks ready for our next bachelor,
tennis legend John McEnroe
[ Cheers and applause ]
-How you doing? -Good.
-Tell us --
What are they bidding on, Mr. McEnroe?
-Alright, I'm offering a weekend stay at my estate,
AKA, the Mac Shack.
It includes a three-hour tenni lesson from yours truly,
a mixed doubles match with Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf
and, of course, unlimited selfies with me,
John McEnroe, the bad boy of tennis.
-Whoa! Okay.
The bad boy of tennis.
Ladies, start that bidding
[ Laughter ]
-What?
You got to be kidding me.
I'm John McEnroe, man!
What do you ladies want?
You can bring Chad along.
Is this what you want?
Doink, doink!
Doink, doink! Doink, doink
-$20 million!
-Now that is more like it.
-Sold for $20 million!
[ Applause ]
-Oh, word?