Mat Boggs: Hey this is Mat Boggs, and I've gotten some questions recently from the comments
section in these videos where women are saying, "Hey, what about those of us who are in a
relationship or dating?
Do a video on some relationship skills to help us improve the relationship."
And so in this video I'm going to share with you a very important principle when it comes
to relationships, or how to make it even deeper.
And that is, the quality of questions you ask determines the quality of life that you
live.
And when it comes to relationships, it goes like this, the quality of questions you ask
determine the quality of the connection that you have.
Let me give you an example.
There's a story of a friend of mine, in an argument she got in with her boyfriend and
how she used a different question to create a different result.
She was literally sharing this with me today and how she was sharing that her boyfriend
brought her back Chipotle and screwed up her order and she was saying, "Look, it drives
me crazy 'cause he screws up my order every time."
She goes, "We've been dating for three years.
We get Chipotle every week.
And it's not like I change my order, I get the same thing from Chipotle every single
week, and every time, he screws up my order.
So when he screwed up my order this time, I was thinking 'well what question could I
ask him to get a new result?'
And so I asked him, 'Why can't you get my order right?'
And I asked him, 'Why can't you read the the text that I actually sent you?
Why can't you listen to the order that I'm telling you?'"
She goes, "When I asked those questions, his response was, 'Why can't you be grateful for
getting Chipotle at all?
Like I went and got it for you at all."
And she goes, "That question didn't create the response that I wanted.
In fact, it ignited resistance in him."
And that's a clue.
"Why" questions are not usually high quality questions.
They often evoke fights and defensiveness in the person you're talking to.
Why can't you do this?
Why can't you think?
Why can't you take me out on dates anymore?
The people, immediately you'll notice, the person you're talking to will get defensive.
So change a "Why question" to a "What question."
You see, "why questions" evoke defensiveness, "what questions" evoke solutions.
"What questions" cause our minds to think differently about a solution.
And so I offered her a couple of suggestions, and I said, "You know, you could change that
question to instead of 'Why can't you listen?'
You could change it to, 'What support could I give you to help you get this order right?'"
Very different question.
Different answer comes from that question.
That is a bonding question.
That is, "Let's partner on this together."
A "why question" is "You're wrong, I'm right."
A "What question" is "Let's work together on this to find a solution that will work
for both of us."
And so she asked that question and got a whole different response from her man.
So hopefully the next time he goes to Chipotle, he will get the order right.
So in your relationships, think about, "Hmm, what question could I ask that begins with
the word 'what' that can help me build a connection here?"
And you'll find that it will lead to less fights and more connection for you.
What questions have you found actually that work for you?
I would love to hear those, post those in the comments section below.
This could be a great resource section in this comment section of powerful questions
that create connection to solve challenges that you're facing in your relationship.
Go ahead and post those below.
And if you're not subscribed to this channel, go ahead and take a moment, get subscribed
because this is all about serving you in your love life and helping you have the deepest,
richest relationship possible.
If you're looking for actually a tool to help you connect with men, a lot of connection
is done via text these days, and so I'm going to post a resource up here.
It's how to text guys guide.
We're going to link it up here, I'll post it below, and that will help you engage your
texting skills to create more connection digitally, because that's a whole 'nother game.
Thanks so much for watching, I'll see you soon.