Superman has had some dumb powers over the years.
Lovely dumb, to be fair.
From whacky concepts that only the Silver Age could produce, to abilities that are the
product of some strange DC gimmick, the man of steel has a very interesting set of skills
that have been abandoned over the years.
So today, we’re taking a look at some of those abilities with our list of the top 10
dumbest powers you didn’t know Superman has.
Or had, really.
Some of these powers are ones that have been retconned out of his history, while others
are questionable as to whether or not their still in his skill roster.
Regardless, join us as we take a trip down the man of steel’s somewhat ridiculous past
with our list of the top 10 dumbest powers you didn’t know Superman has!
10 He Can Clone Himself Once upon a time, Superman made a duplicate
of himself.
And this wasn’t even initially a product of the silver age.
This happened in the 90s.
And the 60s.
Oh, and also the 30s.
Okay, let’s backtrack for a sec.
In 1963, there was a story in which, due to proximity to red Kryptonite, Superman was
split into two versions; Superman Red and Superman Blue.
This happened when Superman is hooked up to a brain machine, which accidentally duplicates
him.
This story was later adapted in the 1998 in a storyline called Superman red Superman Blue,
in which Superman had developed energy based abilities.
Now, to be fair, this actually happened before, back in the golden age in the live action
Adventures of Superman series when he split himself in half in order to save himself and
Lois from within an old collapsed mine shaft.
But still, that was 1938.
We can give them some leeway.
The 90s though?
No excuse, DC.
9 The Superman Diet Oh the silver age.
Superman’s silver age legacy has left us with a bunch of WONDERFULLY DUMB comic book
covers and plots.
Case in point, this issue of Action Comics, number 454, in which Superman is shovelling
burgers into his mouth while shouting in between bites, “MORE BURGERS!
Keep them coming, or I’ll starve to death!”
He’s also hunched over like he’s taking a dump on a camping trip in the forest.
It’s pretty great.
So what exactly is going on here?
In multiple iterations of the superhero, the man of steel has stated that he receives all
the energy he needs from the sun rather than needing food for sustenance.
It’s thanks to his Kryptonian physiology.
But sometimes he eats to fit in, or because he wants to.
And in this case, we see him in need of more energy thanks to Toyman siphoning his strength.
Not only did this weaken Superman, but he felt like he was starving, hence eating all
of those burgers as a means of countering Toyman’s device.
While this power hasn’t officially been retconned, it sure hasn’t been revisited.
Side note - The cover of this issue also has a burger joint restaurant on the cover that
has three golden arches.
Wonder what inspired them to do that?
8 Phasing through matter In the Death of Superman, a story arc some
of you know I have serious beef with, Superman and Doomsday punch each other to death, and
a whole ridiculous story arc is spawned from it, inevitably ruining the concept of death
in comics.
Let’s leave it at that for now.
Years later, in Superman issue 175, the man of steel finds himself coming face to face
with Doomsday yet again.
And what does he do?
HE PHASES THROUGH DOOMSDAYS PUNCHES.
C’MON DC.
WHAT THE HELL.
Apparently this is a similar ability to what the Flash has, where he moves so fast and
vibrates his molecules so that he can phase through objects and individuals.
The real kicker though?
He possessed phasing powers back in 1958, in an episode of the Adventures of Superman.
Guess DC just ignored that altogether.
Guess they just create powers when necessary and take them away when they want to turn
a profit.
Sorry, getting salty over here.
Let’s move onto something a little more light hearted-
7 Super Imagination!
Unfortunately, this is not what it sounds like.
Super Imagination was the name given to an ability of Clark’s that was initially called
telescopic vision.
This occurred thanks to a reprint of the story that appeared in Superman Annual issue 2.
So what exactly is super imagination?
It’s his ability to look back through time.
And his use of it was even more absurd.
Superman used his super imagination to send a giant ape named Titano who shot Kryptonite
from its eyes back to prehistoric times.
He also created special lead sunglasses for the ape so he stops shooting kryptonite out
of his eyes.
What a sentence that was.
6 Telekinesis during John Byrne’s run on Superman, the
man of steel had a new power added to his roster; telekinesis, the ability to move things
with his mind.
According to Bryne, this was what enabled Superman to fly.
It was a form of self telekinesis, in which an invisible force field engulfed him and
caused him to float.
In addition to this, this telekinesis of his also explained his invulnerability.
Somehow.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the concept was adopted by the 1987 film adaption, Superman
4: The Quest for Peace.
A telekinetic beam shoots out of the hero’s eyes, lifting people off the ground.
He then uses it to repair the Great Wall of China.
To be fair, that saga of Superman film adaptations gave him a slew of really odd powers that
have generally faded into obscurity altogether.
5 Telepathy In a 1947 issue of Superman, number 45, Clark
finds himself going up against aliens called the Collectors in a story titled the case
of the living trophies.
Their whole schtick is collecting notable people, which apparently includes Lois Lane,
so naturally, Superman seeks them out, investigating all of these peoples disappearances.
Superman gets captured by them, but uses telepathy in order to force his captor to free him,
communicating with him without even uttering a word.
Apparently, this is something all Kryptonians can do according to the second appearance
of this ability in the Lois and Clark television series.Speaking of this whacky issue though,
that brings us to our next number-
4 Shape Shift If you thought busting out telepathy powers
was something special, hold up, because Superman out does himself with another new power in
that very same issue.
After Superman breaks free of captivity, he SHAPE SHIFTS into a collector himself.
Impersonating them, he tricks the other Collectors, he rescues their human captives and uses a
dimension travelling device to return home.
How the hell did he shape shift?
Why hasn’t he used this before?
And why did he never use it again?
Well, I think we can all assume the answer to that last question, since this is the only
time he’s ever pulled that stunt.
3 Super-Dancing This is perhaps my favourite of Superman’s
now obscure or completely retconned powers.
In the 1979 Superman Family issue 196, in a story titled Private Life of Clark Kent:
Super-Disco Fever, in which Clark is taken to a disco club forcefully by his fan club.
It’s worth noting that this fan club is a Clark Kent fan club, the product of him
being a news anchor at the Daily Planet building for the WGBS-TV flagship television station.
While judging a dancing contest, he discovers the bar is about to be bombed thanks to his
x-ray vision.
So what does he do?
He decides to bust out some kick ass disco moves, which vibrates the floor enough to
damage the explosives trigger mechanism.
And the best part is, as he’s shaking his bootie (which it quite literally says ON PANEL)
we get to read his thought bubbles that state “I saw enough of the dancing before to pick
up
the basics”.
2 Mini Superman Once upon a time, in Superman issue 125, the
man of steel exhibited a particularly ridiculous and extremely memorable super power that is
so very characteristic of the silver age of comic books.
In a story titled Superman’s New Power, Superman encounters a strange alien ship that
explodes on contact with him.
His powers are altered, with all but flight and invulnerability removed, and replaced
with an ability that lets him shoot out a miniature version of himself, called a Superman
Proxy, out of his fingers.
Thus begins a crazy plot in which Superman starts to use his mini self to do all of the
hard work while he enjoys the perks of being a superhero.
If this wasn’t silly enough, the story takes it one step further with Superman becoming
jealous of his Superman Proxy, who is starting to get all of the press attention.
So what does he do?
He lets the Proxy sacrifice itself when a group of criminals try to kill Superman with
a chunk of Kryptonite.
And with this mini me dead, all of his regular powers return.
THIS WAS AN ACTUAL STORY.
Published in 1958.
1 Kryptonian Coma I’m sorry, I had to.
You know how earlier on we mentioned that whole phasing ability that managed to make
the absurdity of the Death of Superman arc totally moot?
Well, this is how the Death of Superman arc was resolved.
DC didn’t kill of the man of steel.
Rather, he just looked dead.
He had fallen into something coined as a Kryptonian coma; a healing coma that only Kryptonians
are capable of and can nurture them back from near death.
It outraged fans, who called DC out on their bullsh*t story arc that clearly was trying
to capitalize on hype and turn a profit.
And inevitably ruined the concept of death in comic books.
I promise I won’t rant over it anymore than that.
There we have it friends!