This week, I had my best day yet in quarantine. First, I caught a hunk of Hickory Farm’s
beef summer sausage in my mouth that was tossed to me from across the room. Then, I interviewed
Senator Elizabeth Warren. Both rocked my ever-loving mind.
- What do you say to Americans who are watching you right now who are scared?
- I say that you’re a terrible reporter. You know you’re a fake. You’re so disgraceful.
Trump’s press conferences are stressing me out.
- There’ll be a lot of death. I think we’ve done a great job.
And like a wise man once said, “It’s almost like the United States has no President - we
are a rudderless ship heading for a major disaster.” So, in search of calming and
meaningful leadership, I called my president, Elizabeth Warren. And she answered!
I wanted desperately to vote for you and you dropped out of the race and it felt like the
end of the world. And now it feels like the world is, like, actually ending?
- Yep. If you were the president right now, what
would you say to the American people? - It’s hard right now. But when we work
together, we can make this better. My job as leader is to do the long-term planning.
To bring in the experts and people who have real organizational skills, so that we have
good ideas and we’re making them happen. But everybody can help. You help when you
keep yourself safe and healthy. You help when you take care of America and take care of
yourself. Now, which one of your son-in-laws is in charge
of the pandemic response? - Uh, no.
And also, the Middle East peace process. That’s right. She had a corona plan back
in January. But people were too busy telling her a woman couldn’t be president to listen.
So what’s she doing now? - So I’ve put out more plans about what
we can do now. And a big part of it focuses on the importance of testing. And I mean testing
in the tens of millions, and repeating those tests so that we know who’s contagious,
we know where the hotspots are. It’s gonna get better. But we’re gonna have to keep
pushing to make that happen. Okay, you are relentlessly optimistic.
- I am. What, do you have shares in Zoom or something?
- No. Just on top of the world!
- No but I believe in us. Come on, I really do.
Unfortunately, the only thing President Trump believes in is ill-fitting suits. The Trump
administration has told states they have to source equipment on their own but then obstructs
them from procuring it. On a scale of Wall Street bailout to Tom Cotton’s
salary, how big a waste of taxpayer money is having states bid on PPE?
- Oh, this is beyond a waste of money! Having different states and sometimes medical centers
bidding against each other so that the price of a mask that used to be 40 cents goes up
to $4 or $15? Just means states are shelling out money like crazy. Money that they don’t
have. To try to protect their people. And at the same time who’s raking it all in?
A profiteer. Some kind of manufacturer. That is nuts.
Why is being the worst at the coronavirus response the thing that we have to be the
best at? - I know. I know.
Which is why the 2020 election is so important. Problem is, coronavirus isn’t just making
toilet paper harder to find; it’s also making voting harder.
What is your plan for making sure we can all vote in November? Because that feels critical.
- Yeah, really important. So, I see the election in Wisconsin as sounding an alarm. And we
all better wake up and put in place procedures so that every American citizen has access
to voting without having to make trade-offs about whether it’s good for their health
or not. So here’s what I propose. Here’s my plan.
Of course you have a plan. Of course you always had a plan!
- Every state should be required to send a ballot and a postage-prepaid envelope to every
registered voter. In addition, people should be able to register online and registration
periods should be extended. I know that you dropped out of the race, but
is there a way that you could drop back in? It’s just a thought that I had.
- I appreciate the thought, Sam. But I think we have our nominee.
Yeah, but he’s not the president yet. And until he is, god-willing—oh my god, I never
thought I’d say this—Congress is our best bet at helping America get through coronavirus.
But they are all currently self-isolating. Are you able to at least take comfort in the
fact that self-isolating reduces the risk of having to have a conversation with Ted
Cruz? Life if there… - Well, you remember. Ted Cruz was one of
the first who went into quarantine. And it did not make things worse in the Senate.
You know, it’s always important to find brightness where you can. You know, you just
look for those little points. - Little points of light.
Yes, little points of light. Like the 7PM cheer for healthcare workers, banana bread,
and this god-awful video. If Mitch McConnell tried to get all of the
senators to sing Imagine, would you do it? - Yes. You know, I’d sing two songs with
Mitch McConnell if he would give me cancellation of student debt in return.
Oh! - Always in the bargaining. Always in the
bargaining. Okay, this is the last thing. While you were
on the campaign trail, I didn’t get a chance to take a selfie with you. But would you take
a selfie with me right now? - Of course!
Okay, let’s do it! Here we go! Thank you so much!