Transcriber: Mary Kay Reviewer: Denise RQ
Thank you very much.
Good morning, my name is Dean Obeidalla,
I'm actually a comedian, I have no idea why I'm in this session.
All these smart people, there are doctors, well-known authors,
and I tell mediocre jokes.
So, I'm glad to be here though.
This is the earliest I've ever told any kind of comedy in my entire life.
(Laughter)
These people are just waking up the ones going to my show.
I like living in New York City, it's a true melting pot,
it's also, for some people that are out of town,
the most stressful city in the world.
This actually happened, this sums it up to me,
the example of living in New York.
I'm on a bus, a guy in a suit and a tie boards,
it's taking too long to pay the bus fare.
At this moment, a homeless guy on the bus yells out in disgust,
"Come on, I got things to do!"
(Laughter)
This is New York, this is our city.
And moving here,
anyone who's moved here recently, or thinking of moving in here,
that's not making you a New Yorker, what does, is seeing the world as one.
It took me two years.
This is my moment I became a New Yorker.
I'm on the subway platform - this really happened -
there's a pregnant woman on her cell phone crying,
it's packed, she yells in front of everyone:
"I can't believe you'd leave us when I'm pregnant.
I can't believe you'd do this."
The thought is, "Oh, my God, that's horrible."
But all I can think of is, "How does she have cell phone reception?"
(Laughter)
I felt bad, though.
I wanted to hug her and let it out,
"Who's your provider? Who's your provider?"
(Laughter)
Although the reason I'm asked to be here - and I'm very honored to be here -
I don't have any slides, I'm just a comedian--
Some of my heritage is little unique for a comedian.
I have a mixed heritage and New York is a melting pot,
so I fit in well here.
My mom is Italian - which is not that unique -
and my father is Palestinian and Muslim.
And I grew up in North Jersey, in a placed called Lodi,
where there were two ethnic groups,
you're either Italian or you were my father.
(Laughter)
That was the town.
And I'm not making this up,
in third grade my teacher asked me to bring my father - who is an immigrant -
to school, for show and tell.
(Laughter)
Which is actually a great thing.
Think about it: to expose students to other cultures.
And people say to me, "Were the kids afraid?'
I didn't bring him in a sheet and a cage and went, "Behold, the Arab man!"
(Laughter)
My mom who's Italian, she's Sicilian, which is a very unique type of Italian.
And when I was a kid I remember people would ask me,
"Does your father has more than one wife because he's Muslim?"
"What part of Sicilian mother don't you understand?"
(Laughter)
My father, "Honey, I was thinking about a second wife, what do you think?"
"Sure, someone to help me bury your body." (Laughter)
But I think for me and many in my community in America,
of Arab-Americans and Muslims,
our world changed, like all of your worlds, on 9/11,
but for us it was a little bit more personal.
For me, and I tell people,
on September 10, 2001, I went to sleep a white American,
on September 11th I woke up an Arab, I woke up an outsider.
And people viewed me differently, for the first time in my life.
And it was the comments people said to me after 9/11 which woke me up to this.
Little things, not all bad, sometimes people says nice things,
"Oh, you're Arab! You know, I love hummus!"
(Laughter)
I like those comments.
I have heard people saying,
"Actually, you're Arab, but you look so normal."
(Laughter)
I'm not kidding.
I was on Fox Radio with Brian Kilmeade who is a jackass.
(Laughter)
And in the middle of the interview he said to me - I swear -
"So, you're Arab and Muslim, how many terrorists are there?"
That's what he asked me.
I said 83, I just threw him a number at random.
(Laughter)
I've heard people say things, - I'm not even sure why -
"So, you're Arab; I love Indian food!"
(Laughter)
Thank you for sharing, we are not the same.
(Laughter)
And because, and you don't have to be Arab to relate to this,
I do not look like what a typical Arab should look like.
Even though I'm mixed heritage,
my Palestinian cousins have the same skin color as me,
but since I don't look Arab, people have not qualm
saying negative things to my face about my own heritage.
This really happened.
I'm at a laundromat, NYC,
- because my career is going great - I'm washing my clothes
and there's a TV on and, I swear to God, this guy goes,
"Hey buddy, see these freaking Arabs on TV?"
- which is not the conversation starter you're ever looking for -
and I go, "Yes."
He goes, "I have an idea, let's kill them all.
Let God sort out the good and bad ones."
I'm like,"Sir, that's not nice, I'm Arab."
"Well, you don't freakin' look it."
"Well, that just makes it easy for me to achieve the goals of my mission."
(Laughter)
It's my goals of comedy.
Thanks the doctor for the botulism tip, though.
(Laughter)
Now we know we can weaponize that stuff, pretty good to know.
(Laughter)
I'm kidding obviously, all right?
(Laughter)
I'm not white any longer;
I don't mean that as any racial term; I look like a white person.
I view the world now as a minority. Proudly as a minority.
Now I'm proud to be a minority. I'm happy.
But it makes me watch the news differently.
Minorities, this is how we are watching the news:
if this is a story about a criminal who's been arrested,
he's committed a heinous crime, and no one knows his identity,
when I was white, "Well, I'm glad they caught him,"
when you are a minority, all you think is,
"I hope he's not from our group, Arab or Muslim,"
because we suffer for the worst sins, we suffer it as a backlash.
That's what it means to be a minority in America.
Remember the plane that landed a couple of years ago on the Hudson River?
Like geese brought it down.
All I could think, sincerely, was "Please, don't let Al-Qaeda be training geese."
Geese of mass destruction.
Few weeks ago, remember that five white guys got arrested in Ohio
trying to blow up a bridge?
I got cocky, "Hey, white people, you get to get your crap together,
this is [inaudible]. (Laughter)
But there's benefits in it, I'm a comedian, I look at the positive.
I could be more challenging, for Arabs and Muslims in America.
They can give hurricanes Muslim names, that one will help us.
Turn on the news, "Hurricane Mahmoud is coming."
"Run for your life, Mahmoud it's a killer."
And also, there's a benefit.
If you have a Muslim name, like I do, and many others,
you are probably immune to identity theft.
(Laughter)
Criminals don't want names that get attention.
They want names like John Reynolds or Bob Smith.
They don't want names like Abdul Musa Rahman Abdullah.
(Laughter)
I have a friend, born in America, his first name is Osama.
He can leave his driving license and credit card in a crack house.
(Laughter)
No one was going to pretend to be Osama anything.
And if you look at the identity theft commercials,
they are usually a white kid singing a song
or a white lady saying, "I'm Sally Johns and someone's pretending to be me.
They went on vacation and later bought things as me."
You are never going to see this, "My name is Abdul Musa Rahman Abdullah.
Someone is pretending to be me, they went on vacation,
and they are buying pork and alcohol, and nobody is asking questions."
(Laughter)
Thank you.
I travel a lot for shows, and I had the good fortune
of actually, perform a great deal in the Middle East,
In the Arab world, stand-up comedy is very, very popular now.
I produced a Festival in Jordan for three years.
And all the American chains are there. That's bringing the world together.
Not only the Internet, but KFCs, McDonald's, Starbucks.
The only American chain not in the Arab world,
- I think is actually good it's not there - Target. (Laughter)
Because nobody wants a bull's eye and the word "Target"
at the front of their store.
(Laughter)
There was a guy in Al-Qaeda, "What do we suppose to blow up today?
Oh, my gosh! Look at this! (Laughter)
"That's a supertarget. We get promotion I think Mazik habib."
(Laughter)
But as challenging as America might be, for Arabs and Muslims at different times,
it's still the place where Arabs and Muslims want to come to.
My own girlfriend is from Middle East. She came here a few years ago.
And she's an actress and doing well; she was in few TV series last year.
She didn't play a terrorist, which was great,
she played the wife of a terrorist, but still, it's baby steps... (Laughter)
But there's one place, I'm going to be honest,
that's discrimination, and she will not get hired,
and she'll never have the chance in America to do this.
Anybody ever listened to relaxation tapes?
The calm music, very soothing voice over, it's like, "Breathe in, breathe out.
You've nothing to worry about. Everything is going fine."
That's relaxing. But she has an Arabic accent.
And Americans won't relax hearing, "Breathe in. Breathe out.
You've nothing to worry about."(Laughter)
"Everything is going according to plan."
(Laughter)
Because we are all a little racists, aren't we?
Well, thank you very much, thank you for having me on TEDx,
it was really an honor to be here.
Thank you.
(Applause)