Why won't my ex work on our relationship? That's what we're going to be talking about
in this video. But first, my name is Clay with ModernLove.life where we help you get
the great loving relationship you're looking for. Without having to play mind games, without
having to play hard to get and without having to pretend to be someone or something that
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these videos, you're kind of helping to spread the message. Anyway, yeah, we're also talking
today about connecting with your ex on an emotional level rather than trying to logic
or reason with them. If that's something that you'd like to learn more about, we do have
a free email newsletter. You can find that down in the description box below this video.
It's totally free to sign up for. When you sign up, you get a nice little report that
goes through some myths and misconceptions that you may have about saving a relationship.
Maybe those myths or things that you've walked into this whole experience with, or maybe
they're things that you might have heard from other people on the internet that just aren't
true. You might want to check that out. Then of
course we do send you emails with tips, advice, and strategies to help you reconnect and build
that emotional connection with your ex. You can find that down in the description box
below this video. What are we talking about here? We're talking about why your ex is not
open to working on things together with you. Why not? Why won't they do it? The reason
for this is because they've gone through a series of decisions to get to where they're
at. They've gone through a series of decisions, one after another, to get to the point where
they've chosen to break up with you. This has been a slow process. Most likely. It's
been a slow process of, okay, this has been disappointing. Okay. That didn't live up to
my expectations. Okay. I should have known better. Okay. We
tried to do this. You were closed off to it. Okay, fine. Now I'm just ready to take a step
back from this relationship and see what might be possible elsewhere out there. When this
happens, your ex is ... Something psychological kicks in that causes them to behave with consistency
toward the previous decisions that they've made. This is called the Law of Consistency.
They've decided to do something. They've decided to break up with you, and so they're likely
going to act consistently with that previous decision. They're going to say things like,
"No. We've already tried it. I mean, we just have so many problems. We're just so incompatible
with one another. You know, we, I think it's just too late for that." Stuff like that.
Right? You might be thinking, okay, so there's this Law of Consistency.
I'm pretty much stuck, right? It's hopeless to try to get back together with your ex.
I might as well just go sign up with Tinder and just to have a bunch of horror story online
dating experiences or something like that. You can do that if you want to. Does anyone
want to do that? I don't know, but you can do that if you want to, if you think that
that would be a fun experience, but if you actually want to save your relationship, then
you're going to have to bypass the Law of Consistency. How do you do that? Now oftentimes
when I'm working with people, they try to logic or reason with their ex and say, "Hey,
we are having these problems. Let's go to counseling together. Let's go see a therapist.
Let's talk it out. Let's work through this." The problem with that is that you're speaking
to the logical mind here. Okay. I know that a lot of times people will tell me, "Oh, my
ex is totally cerebral. They're totally in their mind all the time. They have no feelings
whatsoever. They're totally robotic." That's not true. I mean, if your ex was truly a robot,
they probably wouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. They'd just do robotic
things, which generally don't involve falling in love. What we have to realize is as logical
and as rational as your ex may be, they're actually making decisions from an emotional
place. All of us are making decisions from an emotional place. We make an emotional decision
to get into a relationship with someone. To fall in love with them, to want to commit
to them, to want to share our lives with them. We make an emotional decision to say, "Hey,
whatever we had isn't working. It's frustrating. It's not giving me what I want. It's not working
out. I need to take a step back from this." We want to recognize that yes, even your very
cerebral, very logical, very rational minded ex is making emotional decisions. It's once
we can start to actually speak to the emotional level, instead of the logical rational level,
we're going to actually start to make some progress. Because even though we like to think
that we're all rational people making rational decisions, these decisions that we make are
actually based off of our emotions. What actually happens is our emotions make the decision
for us. Then the rational mind kind of tries to make some logic out of it. That's where
it says things like, "Oh yeah, we've been totally compatible the whole time."
Nevermind the fact that you said a few months ago that we are incompatible or, "Oh yeah.
Like it just makes so much sense. We have such a great history together." Nevermind
the fact that a couple of months ago, they said we have so much history together. Just
like, well, we could never get past our differences. It all is driven by the emotions and the emotions,
if your ex feels it, then they'll decide it and then they'll come up with a reason for
why it makes total sense afterwards. It's how we generally make things happen in our
lives. If you really stop and think about it and analyze it or emote on it. What we
want to do is we want to start speaking to our ex's emotional level and of course, this
is where I'm going to start pitching our video series on the advanced relational skills,
totally free. It's a video series up there. Or there. Up there somewhere.
There's a video card on the advanced relational skills. It'll take you to a video playlist
where I talk about them. I explained them a little bit, and it's a good starter. If
you're new here, if you don't know what these are, or maybe you just need a refresher. That's
a great way to start doing things. But another thing that you also want to do, if your ex
is in that more shut down place is you want to start to decrease the amount of pressure
that they're feeling when they're interacting with you.
Oftentimes your ex might be hesitant about getting close to you or engaging with you
is because there's such a heavy relationship feeling in how you're bringing yourself or
in how the two of you are perceiving one another. Obviously you were in a relationship with
one another. I don't know. Maybe it was a short while. Maybe it was for years and years,
decades, but the two of you were in a relationship together and it can be difficult for them
to see you or for you to see them in just this non-relationship sort of way. Now this
can cause people to start to think that like, "Okay, if we're interacting, that means there's
something happening. If we're interacting, that means we're dating again. If we're interacting,
that means that you think that we're dating, or I might be a bad person because I'm going
to be giving you false hope." Or you might be, "I might be stringing you
along. Or I might be like one of those people, that's just like a hot mess and can't decide
or something." What we want to do is we want to decrease the amount of pressure and stress
that maybe your ex feels to interacting with you for the time being, and just create a
low stakes situation where the two of you can obviously spend time interacting with
one another, build up that emotional connection and actually later on, leverage that connection
to get the two of you back together. When this happens, yeah, then at that point, it
makes a lot of sense to start talking about working on the relationship, making sure everything
flows, making sure that things are better than they were before.
All of that stuff. This is where you might want to start doing things like having a same
team conversation, communicating more clearly, building trust and all of these like effective
high, high maintenance, not high maintenance, but things that help you to maintain a relationship
at a high level. That's where this can really start to kick in and become very, very helpful.
Again, what we want to do is we want to avoid the trap of trying to talk to our ex or communicate
with our ex or reason with our ex at the logical level. We want to build the emotional connection.
I've said it before. I've said it many, many, many times on this channel, but we want to
build the emotional connection between ourselves and our acts and focus on that primarily.
Rather than all of the many, many external, like who said what, who did what, who posted
what on Facebook, who didn't post this on Facebook, who took the photos down, who put
the photos up, who's blocking who, who's dating, who who's in a rebound relationship.
These are all symptoms of what's happening at a deeper level on the emotional side of
things. We can analyze all the symptoms, but that's not very effective because what's more
effective is to analyze the emotional level and start saying, "Okay, what can we do to
improve the emotional connection so we can actually start to work things out and get
back together?" If you do want to sign up for our email newsletter, once again, that
is down below in the description box. If you do want to help us out with this channel,
if you do like what we're doing, hit that thumbs up button.
It does help us out, does help this channel grow. In the meantime, we have two videos
that you might want to check out. We have one video series on the advanced relational
skills, or you might want to check out this other video over here, but thank you so much.
Please take care. I will talk to you next time.