>> Stephen: YOU LOOK WORRIED, IS THAT JUST YOUR ATTEMPT TO
STAY AWAKE?
COME ON COACH, ARE YOU, THANK YOU.
WELCOME TO A LATE SHOW, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I HOPE ARE YOU ALL STAYING SAFE OUT THERE.
STEP UP WITH, DON'T BE OUT THERE, STAY IN THERE, BECAUSE
CORONAVIRUS IS SPREADING LIKE TRUMP'S BACKSIDE ON A LAWN CHAIR
AND YESTERDAY THE PRESIDENT HAD HIS FIRST COVID-19 BRIEFING IN
THREE MONTHS WHERE HE ANNOUNCED SOME STARTLING NEWS.
HE'S NOTICED REALITY.
>> IT WILL PROBABLY, UNFORTUNATELY, GET WORSE BEFORE
IT GETS BETTER.
>> THAT IS A TRUMP PRESIDENCY PROMISE, IT GETS WORSE.
YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK.
AND I WOULD TAKE IT THERE QUICKLY BECAUSE I'VE GOT SOME
REALLY BAD NEWS ABOUT OUR BANK.
TRUMP IS ALSO REALLY EVOLVED ON THAT.
>> WE'RE ASKING EVERYBODY THAT WHEN YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO
SOCIALLY DISTANCE, WEAR A MASK, GET A MASK, WHETHER YOU LIKE THE
MASK OR NOT, THEY HAVE AN IMPACT.
>> Stephen: HE SAID, NOT WEARING A MASK.
REMEMBER, KIDS, SMOKING WILL KILL YOU WITH ITS DELICIOUS MEN
THOL FLAVOR.
YOUR CORPS WILL HAVE A VERY RELAXED T-ZONE.
GIVE HIM CREDIT, YESTERDAY'S VIRUS-SIDE CHAT SHOWS THE KIND
OF STRONG THOUGHTFUL LEADERSHIP WE NEED-ED IN JANUARY.
BUT I'M GLAD TRUMP FINALLY ANNOUNCED HIS COVID STRATEGY.
>> WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF DEVELOPING A STRATEGY THAT IS
GOING TO BE VERY, VERY POWERFUL.
>> Stephen: WAIT, YOU FINALLY HAVE A STRATEGY AND YOUR
STRATEGY IS TO DEVELOP A STRATEGY?
WELL, NOW WE KNOW WHY YOU NEVER WEAR A MASK, BECAUSE ALL YOU
CARE ABOUT IS COVERING YOUR ASS.
YOU DON'T GET CREDIT FOR A THING YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE HALF A YEAR
AGO.
HEY, I FINALLY WENT OVER TO YOUR PLACE TO FEED YOUR DOG LIKE YOU
ASKED ME BACK IF FEBRUARY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CALL THEM MAN'S BEST FRIEND.
HE DIDN'T EVEN WAG HIS TAIL, OR BREATHE.
BUT INSPIRED BY THE PRESIDENT'S SWIFT DELAYED ACTION IN THE FACE
OF A CRISIS I BELIEVE IT IS TIME THAT I TOO DEVELOP A PLAN FOR
CORONAVIRUS, WHICH IS WHY I HAVE DECIDED TO ANNOUNCE THAT I AM
DEVELOPING A STRATEGY TO LEECH THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER.
NO, NO, BE QUIET, LIVE AUDIENCE.
I MADE UP IN MY MIND.
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE.
SO GO AHEAD AND HUG EACH OTHER AND COUGH FOR GOOD LUCK.
BECAUSE NOW I'M OFF TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO TAKE MY SHOW.
PRAPTION A SMALL GUEST BEDROOM FOR THE NEXT FOUR MONTHS BUT
DON'T YOU WORRY, I WILL DEFINITELY CUT MY HAIR IF THIS
GOES ON LONGER THAN A FEW WEEKS.
I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A MIDDLE-AGED POETRY
PROFESSOR WHO IS TRYING TO SLEEP WITH ONE OF THE FRESHMAN.
HELLO.
I REALLY LIKE WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY ABOUT-- .
BUT NOW THAT TRUMP IS WILLING TO ADMIT THE VIRUS IS OUT OF
CONTROL, HE MADE SURE TO SOCIALLY DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM
ANY OF THE BLAME WITH HIS FAVORITE VIRUS NICKNAME.
>> CHINA VIRUS, CHINA VIRUS, CHINA VIRUS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SURE, THE VIRUS CAME FROM CHINA BUT THE
COUNTRY YOU GOVERN LEADS THE WORLD IN THE NUMBER OF CASES AND
DEATHS.
CALL ITING THE CHINA VIRUS DOESN'T MAKE YOU LESS
RESPONSIBLE FOR TOTALLY BLOWING THE RESPONSE HERE.
THAT'S LIKE BLAMING MEXICO FOR GETTING YOUR DING DONG STUCK IN
A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA.
>> IT JUST WANTED TO MEET THE WORM.
AND I KNOW THAT'S MESCAL, NO LETTERS, PLEASE.
AND OF COURSE IT WOULDN'T BE A TRUMP SPEECH WITHOUT A MAJOR
GAFFE.
SEE IF YOU CAN CATCH IT.
>> WE'RE ALSO FACING THE CHALLENGE OF A SIGNIFICANT SPICE
IN VIRUS CASES ACROSS THE WESTERN OF THE WESTERN
HEMISPHERE.
INCLUDING MEXICO.
>> Stephen: REALLY, WE'RE SEEING SPICE ALL A ROSS OTHER
CRY COUNTRIES WITH ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE, AND ST A SCARY SPICE,
ALSO A BABY SPICE, A SPORTY SPICE, POSH SPICE.
SADLY, IT'S REALLY A SPICE WORLD OUT THERE.
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY TO ALL THE EPIDIMIOLOGISTS FIGHTING
THIS PANDEMIC, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY
WANT.
SO THE SPEECH WAS A BITS EVER A DOWNER.
BUT TRUMP'S ENERGY SPICE WHEN HE OPENED UP THE QUESTIONS,
INCLUDING THIS ONE ABOUT FAUCI AND BIRKS ABSENCE.
>> WHY ARE YOUR DOCTORS NOT HERE, WHERE IS DR. FAUCI AND
DR. BIRX.
>> DR. BIRX IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
>> Stephen: SHE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE, WELLING, GO GET HER AND
PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN'T GOING TO TURN INTO A MRS. DOUBT FIRE
SITUATION.
HI, IT'S ME-- HI, IT'S ME, RESPECTED DR. SCARF LADY.
LET'S TALK SCIENCE, AND OH, HELLO, MY BOOBIES ARE ON FIRE!
HER CHESS SON FIRE IN THE MOVIE, YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN THE
MOVIE.
STILL, THE PRESIDENT STAYED PRETTY FOCUSED AN ON MESSAGE FOR
THE ENTIRE BRIEFING.
THAT IS UNTIL THE END WHEN A REPORTER ASKED HIM HIS THOUGHTS
ON JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S ALLEGED PEDOPHILE SEX RING TRAFFICKER
AND THERE IS NO DESCRIPTION I COULD POSSIBLY ADD THAT WOULD BE
WORSE THAN THAT, GHISLAINE MAXWELL.
NOW MAXWELL WHO WAS ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH RECRUITING
UNDERAGED GIRLS TO BE REPEATEDLY SKS ALLLY A BEULSED BY EPSTEIN
AND HIS FRIENDS, PARDONED WITH ALL FINDS OF FAMOUS AND POWERFUL
PEOPLE INCLUDED DONALD TRUMP AND TRUMP WAS ASKED BY A REPORTER
WHETHER HE THOUGHT SHE WOULD TURN STATES EVIDENCE AGAINST
THOSE FAMOUS PEOPLE AND HIS RESPONSE WAS SURPRISINGLY
SURPRISINGLY.
>> GHISLAINE MAXWELL IS IN PRISON AND LOTS OF PEOPLE WANT
TO KNOW IF SHE IS GOING TO TURN IN POWERFUL PEOPLE.
EYE'S WONDERING DO YOU THINK SHE WILL TURN IN POWERFUL MEN, HOW
DO YOU SEE THAT, WITHOUTING OUT.
>> I DON'T KNOW, I HAVEN'T REALLY BEEN FOLLOWING IT TOO
MUCH.
I JUST WISH HER WELL, FRANKLY.
>> Stephen: HE WISHES HER WELL?
SO OKAY.
IF YOU ARE KEEPING SCORE AT HOME, HE EITHER ACCUSED OF SPRAY
PAINTING A CON FEDERAL STATUE YOU ARE BILLY CLUBBED BUT IF YOU
ARE ACCUSING-- IF-- WISH YOU WELL, HOPE YOUR CELL DOESN'T
HAVE A RAT, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
WE SHOULD LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED, ROGER THAT.
PARDON-ER.
NOW FOR SOME REASON WITHOUT ANY PROMPTING, TRUMP POINTED OUT
THAT HE AND GHISLAINE MAXWELL KNOW EACH OTHER FAIRLY WELL.
>> I'VE MET HER NUMEROUS TIMES OVER THE YEARS, ESPECIALLY SINCE
I LIVED IN PALM BEACH.
I GUESS THEY LIVED IN PALM BEACH.
BUT I WISH HER WELL.
>> Stephen:
BEACH.
AND I'M SAYING 'I GUESS' EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY SAID I SAW HER
A LOT BECAUSE WE ALL LIVED IN PALM BEACH.
AND EYE JUST WONDERING IF I SAY IT KIND OF SOFTLY AND CASUALLY
WILL I SOUND LESS PANICKY, IS IT WORKING, NO, ANYWAY, LET'S GET
BACK TO A MORE COMFORTABLE SUBJECT.
I LET 140,000 PEOPLE DIE AND I WISH THEM WELL.
YOU.
HE'S RIGHT.
TRUMP DID MEET HER.
AND MEET HER.
WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF PICTURES WHERE AN ACCUSED SEX OFFENDER.
ALSO WITH GHISLAINE MAXWELL.
THEN OF COURSE THERE IS THE NOTORIOUS VIDEO OF TRUMP
PARTYING AT MAR A LAGO WITH EPSTEIN AND MAXWELL RIGHT THERE.
HE REALLY TOOK THE ADVICE TO HEART.
DANCE LIKE KNOB'S WATCHING.
IN FACT THEY WOULD LEARN THE GOVERNMENT GAVE THE PHARMA
COMPANY PFIZER NEARLY $2 BILLION TO PRODUCE THE CORONAVIRUS
VACCINE BY THE YEAR'S END.
THAT'S INCREDIBLY EXCITING TO HEAR.
THE YEAR IS GOING TO END?
IN FACT, IF THE TRIALS GO WELL THE VACCINE COULD BE APPROVED AS
EARLY AS OCTOBER 2020.
THIS COULD YIELD 100 MILLION DOSES BY DECEMBER, AND IS THE
LARGEST CONTRACT YET FOR THE GOVERNMENT'S CORONAVIRUS VACCINE
PROGRAM OPERATION WARP SPEED.
EXCEPT OF COURSE FOR THEIR CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED SPINOFF
DEEP SPACE FREE INJECTIONS AT CVS.
TRUMP IS TALKING ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS AGAIN BECAUSE HE'S
DESPERATE.
RIGHT NOW THE ONLY THING RISING FASTER THAN THE NUMBER OF COVID
CASES IS ARE THE ODDS THAT JOE BIDEN IS GOING TO BE PRESIDENT.
SO AS IT TURNS OUT VOTERS WANT YOU TO CARE WHETHER THEY LIVE OR
DIE.
HUGE MISTAKE FOR WENDELL WILLKIE'S CAMPAIGN TO GO WITH
THIS SLOGAN WENDTAL WILLKIE WANTS TO KILLKIE.
BIDEN LEAD BIDEN'S LEAD IS LARGELY THANKS
TO THE SUBURBS.
ACCORDING TO EXIT POLLS, IN 2016, TRUMP WON SUBURBAN VOTERS
BY FOUR POINTS, BUT IN THE AVERAGE OF ALL POLLS BIDEN'S
AHEAD BY MORE THAN 15 POINTS WITH SUBURBAN VOTERS.
TRUMP NEEDS TO APPEAL TO THE SUBURBS!.
IF THIS GETS ANY WORSE, HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO REPLACE MIKE
PENCE WITH A RIDING MOWER.
TO FRIGHTEN SUBURBANITES, TRUMP CLAIMS THAT THEY WILL FACE
RISING CRIME AND FALLING HOME VALUES IF A DEMOCRAT IS IN THE
WHITE HOUSE.
AND HE HASN'T BEEN SUBTLE: >> PEOPLE HAVE WORKED ALL THEIR
LIVES TO GET INTO A COMMUNITY AND NOW THEY'RE GOING TO WATCH
IT GO TO HELL.
>> Stephen: GO TO HELL?
WE'VE BEEN BOARDED INTO OUR HOMES FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS
AFRAID TO TOUCH OUR GROCERIES OR EACH OTHER, ONLY LEAVING TO WAIT
IN LONG SOCIALLY-DISTANCED LINES SO SOMEONE CAN JAB A
COTTON SWAB INTO OUR BRAINS.
THIS IS HELL.
ALL WE'RE MISSING IS THE DEVIL.
AHH!
AS PART OF THE LAW-AND-ORDER FEAR CAMPAIGN, TRUMP ROLLED OUT
THIS AD.
>> SEATTLE'S PLEDGE TO DEFUND IT'S POLICE DEPARTMENT BY 50%,
EVEN INCLUDING A PROPOSAL TO REMOVE 911 DISPATCHERS FROM
POLICE CONTROL.
>> JOE BIDEN SAYS HE'S ABSOLUTELY ON BOARD WITH
DEFUNDING THE POLICE.
>> LISTEN CROSSLEY.
>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.
>> HELLO.
>> YOU'VE REACHED 911.
>> I'M SORRY THAT THERE IS NO ONE HERE TO ANSWER YOUR IMAGINE
CALL.
PLEEF A MESSAGE AND WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS WE CAN.
>> AND DONALD J. TRUMP AND I AM APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
>> Stephen: IT'S TERRIFYING.
ARMED CRIMINALS ARE BREAKING INTO OLD PEOPLE'S HOMES.
BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HE IS WEARING A MASK.
SO THAT RULES OUT THE GOVERNOR OF GEORGIA.
NOW LIKE A LOT OF SCARY MOVIES THIS IS ALL MAKE BELIEVE BECAUSE
AS MULTIPLE NEWS OUTLETS INCLUDING FOX NEWS HAVE FACT
CHECKED JOE BIDEN DID NOT CALL FOR DEFUNDING THE POLICE AND AS
JOE BIEDEN SAID IN A RECENT OP ED, I DON'T SUPPORT DEFUNDING
THE POLICE.
YOU CAN TELL THE AD IS A LIE BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE AUDIO OF
BIDEN SAYING HE'S GOING TO DEFUND THE POLICE.
SO INSTEAD THEY DO THIS.
>> JOE BIDEN SAYS HE'S ABSOLUTELY ON BOARD WITH
DEFUNDING THE POLICE.
LISTEN CLOSELY.
>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.
>> HELLO.
>> Stephen: THEY JUST LIFTED THAT LINE OUT OF CONTEXT FROM AN
INTERVIEW WHERE HE WAS ASKED IF THE GOVERNMENTS SHOULD SHIFT
SOME FUNDING TO SOCIAL SERVICE AGENCIES.
ANYONE CAN GRAB THAT AUDIO TO MAKE JOE BIDEN AGREE WITH
ANYTHING THEY SAY.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, JOE.
>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: DO YOU ENJOY BEING ON THE LATE SHOW, JOE?
>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: THANKS, OH, AND JOE, WHAT IN YOUR OPINION IS THE
BEST 70S P PRRKS OG ROCK BAND.
>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT IS WHERE YOU AND I DIFFERENT, I
WOULD HAVE GONE WITH STEELY DAN.
I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHERE THEY BOTHERED USING FOOTAGE OF THAT
OLD LADY IN THE FIRST PLACE IT TURNED OUT THAT ENTIRE AD CAN BE
RECREATED USING JUST CLIPS FROM THE MOVIE HOME ALONE.
JIM?
>> SEATTLE'S PLEDGE TO DEFUND ITS POLICE DEPARTMENT BY 50%,
EVEN INCLUDING A PROPOSAL TO REMOVE 911 DISPATCHERS FROM
POLICE CONTROL.
>> JOE BIDEN SAYS HE'S ABSOLUTELY ON BOARD WITH
DEFUNDING THE POLICE.
LISTEN CLOSELY.
>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.
>> HELLO.
YOU'VE REACHED 911.
I'M SORRY THAT THERE IS NO ONE HERE TO ANSWER YOUR NJ CALL BUT
LEAVE A MESSAGE AND WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS WE CAN.
>> THE-- FILTY ANIMALS.
>> I'M DONALD J. TRUMP AND A PROVE THIS MESSAGE.
>> Stephen: ALTHOUGH IF THEY REALLY WANTED TO SCARE US THEY
WOULD USE FOOTAGE FROM THE SEQUEL WHERE KEVIN McALISTERpMEE
TRAFFICKERS IN NEW YORK CITY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU, I WILL BE TALKING WITH THE
AUTHOR OF "TOO MUCH AND NEVER ENOUGH" MARY TRUMP.
ARE YOU GOING TO STICK AROUND TO WATCH THAT, JOE.
>> YES, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: OH, GREAT, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪♪♪