AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME, HORROR SCOPES.
HORROR SCOPES.
OVER HALF OF AMERICANS BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY, AND TWO-THIRDS OF
AMERICA BELIEVE STEPHEN HAWKING IS THE WORLD'S BEST ASTROLOGER.
UH, HOROSCOPES USUALLY OFFER VAGUE PREDICTIONS LIKE, "YOU
WILL FIND SUCCESS IN A NEW CAREER" OR "APPLE WILL AT SOME
POINT RELEASE A NEW IPHONE."
SURELY, EVEN ASTROLOGERS SCREW UP SOMETIMES, SO, COMEDIANS, I
WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE ME AS MANY BAD HOROSCOPES AS YOU CAN
IN 60 SECONDS.
AND BEGIN.
(BELL DINGS) NATALIE.
>> CANCER, YOU HAVE IT.
>> HARDWICK: OH, NO!
THANKS, THE STARS. POINTS.
(BELL DINGS) RANDY.
>> VIRGO, YOU WILL APPEAR ON THE SHOW @MIDNIGHT AT YOUR FATTEST.
>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.
(BELL DINGS) PAUL F. TOMPKINS.
>> LIBRA, WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, IT'S THE DOOR TO THE GAS
CHAMBER.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE KILLED THAT GUY.
>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.
(BELL DINGS) RANDY.
>> ARIES, HOLLOW OUT A LOAF OF FRENCH BREAD TO HIDE YOUR DILDOS
IN.
>> HARDWICK: POINTS.
(BELL DINGS) PAUL F. TOMPKINS.
>> GEMINI, TODAY YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE THE SIGN
OF THE TWIN.
THEY FOUND A LITTLE SKULL IN YOUR ABDOMEN.
>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.
(BELL DINGS) UH, PAUL F.
>> SAGITTARIUS, DID YOU WAKE UP IN A HOTEL BATHTUB FILLED WITH
ICE?
YOU SHOULD HAVE READ MY COLUMN YESTERDAY.
>> HARDWICK: POINTS.
(BELL DINGS) NATALIE.
>> YEAR OF THE RAT, UH, YOUR FRIEND IS THE YEAR OF THE
DRAGON.
TRY TO PRETEND YOU DON'T FEEL UNCOOL ABOUT THIS.
>> HARDWICK: POINTS.
(BELL DINGS) RANDY.
>> [BLEEP] LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING.
>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.
POINTS.