FOLKS, I'M REALLY ENJOYING THESE LIVE CONVENTION SHOWS.
YOU LIKING THEM?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY'RE ELECT.
AND ONE MOMENT THAT I REALLY ENJOYED LAST WEEK WAS THE RETURN
OF "STEPHEN COLBERT," THE HOST OF THE "COLBERT REPORT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT.
I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT.
I'LL TELL YOU, YOU KNOW WHO DIDN'T ENJOY IT SO MUCH?
CORPORATE LAWYERS.
BECAUSE-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT SHOW,
CBS'S TOP LAWYER WAS CONTACTED BY THE TOP LAWYER
FROM ANOTHER COMPANY TO SAY THAT THE CHARACTER "STEPHEN COLBERT"
IS THEIR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY, WHICH IS SURPRISING.
BECAUSE I NEVER CONSIDERED THAT GUY MUCH OF AN INTELLECTUAL.
SO IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEART THAT I ANNOUNCE THAT, THANKS TO
CORPORATE LAWYERS, THE CHARACTER OF STEPHEN COLBERT, HOST OF THE
"COLBERT REPORT," WILL NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN.
>> Audience: NO!
(BOOING) I UNDERSTAND.
I UNDERSTAND.
LISTEN, I FEEL THE SAME WAY, BUT WHAT CAN I DO?
THE LAWYERS HAVE SPOKEN.
I CAN'T REASONABLY ARGUE I OWN MY FACE OR NAME.
( LAUGHTER ) AND AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO HAVE
THAT GUY ON AGAIN, I CAN'T.
SO INSTEAD, JOINING ME NOW, LIVE VIA SATELLITE FROM PHILADELPHIA,
PLEASE WELCOME, STEPHEN COLBERT'S IDENTICAL TWIN COUSIN,
STEPHEN COLBERT.
GIVE IT UP, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HELLO.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME, STEPHEN.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME, STEPHEN.
HELLO, AMERICA.
HELLO, COLBERT COUNTRY!
STAY STRONG!
BE BRAVE!
WITH.
>> Stephen: NOW, I JUST WANT TO BE CLEAR HERE, ARE YOU NOT
THE GUY WHO HAD A TELEVISION SHOW FOR A
DECADE.
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT, STEPHEN.
THAT'S MY TWIN COUSIN.
THIS IS MY FIRST APPEARANCE ON TELEVISION EVER.
HOW AM I DOING, AMERICA ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
NOW, IDENTICAL TWIN COUSIN, HOW DOES THAT WORK?
>> IT'S SIMPLE, STEPHEN.
OUR MOMS WERE IDENTICAL TWINS WHO MARRIED IDENTICAL TWIN
HUSBANDS.
THEN HAD SEX AT THE EXACT SAME MOMENT AND GAVE US THE SAME
NAME.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THAT CHECKS OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT LET'S JUST MAKE SURE YOU'RE
DEFINITELY NOT HIM.
HIS WIFE'S NAME WAS LORRAINE.
>> YES, MY WIFE'S NAME IS LORRENA.
>> Stephen: HE WENT TO DARTMOUTH.
>> I APPLIED TO DARTMOUTH.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO TOTALLY DIFFERENT GUY.
>> TOTALLY DIFFERENT GUY.
ALSO, PRETTY SURE HE'S GAY.
NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. JUST SAYING HE TALKED ABOUT IT A LOT.
WHERE THERE'S SMOKE THERE'S FIRE.
>> Stephen: I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.
>> MOST OF ALL, STEPHEN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE
TONIGHT TO SAVE THIS COUNTRY AND JOIN THE "LATE SHOW" TEAM.
>> Stephen: WAIT A MINUTE.
SO YOU WANT TO BE A PERMANENT PART OF THIS SHOW?
>> STEPHEN, WHENEVER YOU NEED ME, WILD HORSES, RIDDEN BY
CORPORATE LAWYERS, COULD NOT KEEP ME AWAY.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.
>> YES, I AM.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
STEPHEN COLBERT'S TWIN COUSIN.
STEPHEN COLBERT, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> HAVE A GREAT SHOW, EVERYBODY!
YOU'RE A DAMN FINE LOOKING MAN, BY THE WAY.
>> Stephen: HE'S A GOOD GUY.
HE'S A GOOD GUY.
I LIKE HIM.
HAPPY TO HAVE HIM ON BOARD.
BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT TO HAVE THAT OTHER GUY WITH THE TV
SHOW.
I REALLY LIKE SOME OF THE BITS HE USED TO DO.
BUT, AGAIN, WHAT CAN I DO IN THE FACE OF CORPORATE LAWYERS?
WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S WERD: THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS.
FOLKS, THE TWO WEEKS OF POLITICAL CONVENTIONS ARE
DRAWING TO A CLOSE, AND WE NOW KNOW ONE THING FOR CERTAIN:
WE KNOW THIS NOVEMBER IT WILL BE HILLARY CLINTON AGAINST DONALD
TRUMP.
AND POLLS SHOW THAT MANY OF US HAVE ALREADY CHOSEN THE OUTCOM
WE REALLY WANT.
WE WANT NEITHER.
BOTH CLINTON AND TRUMP HAVE HISTORICALLY LOW APPROVAL
RATINGS.
IN FACT, 52% OF TRUMP SUPPORTERS SAY THEY'RE ONLY VOTING FOR HIM
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT HILLARY TO WIN.
AND I DON'T BLAME THEM FOR THAT SOFT SUPPORT.
DONALD TRUMP IS A HARD MAN TO STAND BEHIND.
MEANWHILE, 56% OF HILLARY SUPPORTERS SAY THEY JUST DON'T
WANT DONALD TRUMP TO WIN.
HILLARY'S CRITICS SEE HER AS UNTRUSTWORTHY, SELFISH, AND TOO
WILLING TO BEND THE RULES.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, DONALD TRUMP'S
CRITICS SAY HE'S PREJUDICED, UNPREPARED, AND HAS THE WRONG
TEMPERAMENT FOR A PRESIDENT.
THINK ABOUT IT.
IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE'S GOING TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS ABOUT THESE
TWO.
BOTH CANDIDATES ARE ALREADY DECADES-OLD BRANDS.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE WONDER BREAD, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE
PRESIDENT WONDER BREAD.
SAME GOES FOR THE NEW McDONALD'S ANGRY MEAL.
LET'S FACE IT, LET'S FACE IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BOTH CANDIDATES KNOW IT.
THAT'S WHY THIS IS EXPECTED TO BE THE MOST NEGATIVE CAMPAIGN.
IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
HILLARY CLINTON WILL SAY THINGS.
THAT MAKE TRUMP SEEM RACIST, AND TRUMP WILL ATTACK HILLARY'S
INTEGRITY.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS NEGATIVITY COULD LIKELY
TURN AWAY VOTERS FROM THE POLLS.
BUT THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SINCE MANY AMERICANS CAN'T BRING
THEMSELVES TO VOTE FOR A CANDIDATE, THIS YEAR, I SAY, WE
SHOULD CHANGE THE SYSTEM.
SO ON ELECTION DAY, YOU CAN VOTE AGAINST THE CANDIDATE YOU
DON'T WANT.
THEN AT THE END OF ELECTION DAY, WE JUST COUNT ALL THE "AGAINST
"VOTES, AND THE CANDIDATE WITH THE LOWEST SCORE
BECOMES PRESIDENT.
IT MAKES VOTING LIKE GOLF-- IF-- ON THE OUTSIDE CHANCE THEY
DO NOT INSTITUTE MY PLAN, NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE
CANDIDATE, PLEASE, YOU STILL HAVE TO GO TO THE POLLS ON
ELECTION DAY.
YES, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO VOTE FOR A PERSON YOU DON'T REALLY
WANT, BUT IT'S BETTER THAN GETTING THE PERSON YOU REALLY
DON'T WANT.
AND THAT'S THE WERD.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.