hila so on Raj and I'd like to take you
on a journey a journey of my story and
why I titled it why me and I remember
asking myself that question from a very
young age as young as 7 and I asked that
question to myself because I started to
get sexually abused by a member of my
family and I remember once it finished
and he done what he needed to do I
remember asking myself why me why me why
not anybody else in the family why is
this not heard of why is it happening to
me and then I started to believe
everything that was ever spoken into my
life
via others and then eventually by myself
why me because I deserve it
why me because you don't expect anything
different why me because you're ugly why
me because this is all your worth is all
your value so after a while I didn't
need to be told these words because I
was conditioned enough and groomed
enough that I started to believe it for
myself so actually why is it happening
why shouldn't it because that's all
you're about you are there for whatever
purpose you need to be and I remember
even trying to take my life so many
times and during the times of trying to
take my life not even being able to
succeed at doing that and then being
angry with myself even more why me
especially when I can hear on the news
and you hear from others that others
have had suicide attempts and succeeded
and I remember being so angry and not
understanding why I couldn't even do
that right
and so for years I suffered silently
because we were conditioned to and I was
conditioned to I expected it to be
in one sense happening in every hole so
you get to the point of ok watch this it
just happens to be you in
is home but in somebody else's home it's
happening somewhere else
so I conditioned myself enough that
actually I didn't have to be groomed or
told anymore it was an automatic
reaction it was an automatic emotion
that you shut up and you pour up so the
last time that I had experienced that at
the hands of my family was over 20 years
ago and my dad decided that he'd had
enough and my family decided that they
were gonna try and end my life so after
hours and hours of abuse beating me
smashing my head against the wall trying
to drown me in a bath I remember lying
there begging my my family to kill me
because surely now I've paid my price
surely by now I've done all that I need
to do so that it doesn't have to be me
anymore and I was taken out in the back
of an ambulance to hospital and that was
the last time I saw my family and I left
home broken distraught nothing to my
name no not even a single penny to my
name because every abuse that I had
experienced they had taken everything
and I remember sitting in this battered
woman's home it was called back then and
in and out of different women's refuge
thinking was my life come to again
trying to attempt suicide so then I find
this guy or he finds me I don't know
which way and all of a sudden this hope
that finally it's gonna be different
finally I've got something good he's
sane and doing all the right things and
he's treating me wonderful but within
two weeks the horror started again and
while he's beating me and decides to
tell me that if he can't have me
Nani's again I realized that just
because it looks different it isn't
actually it's exactly what I had escaped
from the only decent thing that man did
was introduce me to one of his friends
now you gotta understand I've been
brought up as this little Indian girl
we know the culture we know how we're
supposed to be and we know the things
that we're supposed to say and not say
or do or not supposed to do so I've
already affected the honor of our family
because I ran away from home and now I'm
with this guy and I'm trying to get away
from him and I don't know how to but I
managed to get away the only like I said
the decent thing he did was introduce me
that was my saving grace to this
Christian friend that he had and at the
time I'm like yes I'm a proud Sikh girl
I'm not interested in anything else
not looking to go into anything else you
know our community we're told we staying
within our community and that's what I'm
gonna do and I remember from the minute
that I met him and his family for the
first time I felt hope and I felt
something so different to what I hadn't
experienced before for myself because of
everything that I had experienced all of
a sudden I now have something that as
much as my life he's been attempted to
be taken again I'm finding something and
I realized that the question that I had
been asking myself of why me and I
remember even coming to this newfound
faith and really falling into it then
having to go over the reality and the
truth of the conditioning that I had
gone through most people will ask why
not just leave and you don't understand
it's not always as simple as just
getting up and getting your stuff and
getting out especially when you've been
conditioned to believe that what's
happening is all that you're worth and
it's all that your purpose is so now I
have this newfound faith and I'm still
struggling with my reality
still struggling with the fact that
everything I've ever experienced has
damaged or broke me in some way or
another and I'm damaged goods so what
could I have that's gonna stand apart
from anything else
I'm we've being used and abused and I
don't know any different in fact part of
me expects that and in a in a crazy way
even looks for that because then I can
carry on the conditioning was so much so
that one plus one is not always gonna
equal to two and if I've been trained
long enough I will believe that so I
realized that the Y me that had consumed
my life from such a young age of
everything that I had been experiencing
everything that I had been around
standing here with not even a family to
my name no identity I felt like I had I
was looking at it the wrong way I was
looking at the question in how I was
conditioned to look at it why are you
because you deserve it
why you because you should expect
nothing better or different from your
life plus if you clean the slate in this
life maybe in the next life you're calm
better and that's how I function din my
day to day so with the looking at it the
wrong way I realized with my faith and
hand in hand in it that actually why not
me
if not me then who why not me yes okay
I've been through things that I'm
ashamed of that I don't really want to
stand here and talk about and I don't
want people to know that actually Rodge
wholeness is that girl that had this
experience but why not me statistics are
one two women a week are killed by a
quorum
former partner two women are weak I'm
grateful that I'm not that statistic but
the reality is and unfortunately there
are others that fall into that statistic
we shouldn't be having any of these
statistics in this day and age one in
three women goes through domestic abuse
again that's a massive number and
shouldn't be so my why not me was now
we're actually I'm gonna change
everything that was designed to break me
everything that was designed to destroy
me I'm gonna turn it and flip it on its
head and I'm gonna make it become a
strength in my life and I will speak to
others just like I've had to learn
myself so now me I came from being
broken and damaged I came from being
raped and abused I came from being
stripped completely and now I did find
my tall dark and handsome my husband
would like to tell you all that I found
an exotic man I'm just here to tell you
that I find a Jamaican man and he has
been amazing he's my soul mate and
actually inspired me and encouraged me
to continue to do what I do which is
encourage others to break the silence
it's now time that we can actually as
communities work together for 20 years
I've been doing this now don't try and
block out my age because I told you how
long ago our lifetime we don't need any
of that but actually this is what we're
here for
that I'm myself an Indian girl can now
become something completely of what we
haven't been taught that I could I
crossed over community and became a
Christian I crossed over community and
married a Jamaican I crossed over
community and talk about things
that really we shouldn't be talking
about and this is what my life has
become actually through losing
everything I've become someone about
losing all forms of identity I now have
my own which I can tell you who Raj
homelesses and not wait for someone to
dictate who I should be
yes I'm breaking the mold and yes I'm
breaking cultures and yes I'm breaking
all of those things but why not me for
years I lived in that prison of why me
why not me so we all have a
responsibility and that responsibility
is talking about these things so open
talking about abuse so open so that
actually that it can start to have that
ripple effect and change and transform
communities because that's how we unite
that's how we can work together and
break those things that have held us so
captive because it's a shame thing and
it's a guilt thing and it's there no one
will believe me well actually we do
believe you so here is my story of
actually not just why me but why not me
thank you
you