The United Kingdom.
What was once the world's largest empire
is now just a rainy island struggling with Brexit,
a resigning prime minister
and a super spy who probably has a thousand STDs.
And on top of all of that, now they have to deal with Trump.
NEWSMAN: The President and First Lady
touched down in England early this morning
for the three-day state visit
with one of America's closest allies.
The First Family received a royal welcome
at Buckingham Palace from Queen Elizabeth.
Her Majesty then hosted a private lunch
and afternoon tea for the Trumps.
They then toured the palace's royal collection of art
-and historic gifts. -TRUMP: Oh...
NEWSWOMAN: The queen did in fact give to President Trump
a first edition of a Winston Churchill book
on the Second World War called Second World War.
That's right, the queen's gift for Donald Trump was a book.
(laughter)
Either she doesn't know Trump,
-or she's trolling him. -(laughter)
Why would you give Donald Trump a book?
Everyone knows the man doesn't read.
I wish I was there when the queen gave him his gift.
She was like, "Here you go, Donald,
"a book about World War II.
He's like, "Wow, this is sad." "Yes, many lives were lost."
"No, I mean the fact that I have to read. It's so sad."
For real, though, Donald Trump has no use for a book.
It's a useless gift.
It's like giving Stevie Wonder a fish tank.
It's like, "Uh, so, wh-what's happening now, Stevie,
"is the blue one is swimming at the top and now the...
"the yellow one is swimming in a...
"You know, you'd love it. You'd love it.
I... I didn't think this through."
(applause)
Now, I wouldn't be shocked, I wouldn't be shocked
if the queen was actually trolling Donald Trump, right?
Because... over the weekend, he was in the news
for a comment that he made about Princess Meghan Markle.
And as if that wasn't bad enough,
before he landed in the UK, he was also trading blows
with the mayor of London.
As President Trump was departing for London last night,
he took a shot at that city's mayor, Sadiq Khan,
who's been a sharp critic of the president.
NEWSWOMAN: Before even landing on British soil,
he tweeted his disdain for London mayor Sadiq Khan,
whom he describes as a "stone-cold loser."
The two are not scheduled to meet.
Wait, what?
That's a really weird diss.
(like Trump) This guy's shorter than Bill de Blasio.
Yeah, everyone is shorter than Bill de Blasio.
-(laughter) -Guy's, like, seven feet tall.
That's like someone being like,
"Ha-ha! This guy has less money than Jeff Bezos!"
-Yeah, that's all of us. -(laughter)
It's also impressive that Donald Trump started a beef
with London's mayor while he was still in the air.
He sent his tweets ahead of...
It's almost like he sends his beefs ahead of him
so that he has something to do when he lands.
Yeah? Because otherwise, he'd just have to pick a fight
with a random palace guard, you know?
He'd be like, "Nice hat, loser. Porn from the '70s called.
"They want their bush back.
-Ha-ha! Ha-ha!" -(laughter)
Now...
now, Trump didn't just go to the UK to roast the Royal Family
and little de Blasio, no.
He also went there to share some
of that political acumen that he's so famous for.
TV REPORTER: The president's already inflamed tensions here
by weighing-in on the fiery debate
over the country's planned departure
from the European Union
after criticizing embattled Prime Minister Theresa May
during his last visit, now suggesting the pro-Brexit
former mayor of London Boris Johnson would be
a good candidate to succeed May,
who leaves office this week.
He's been a friend of mine.
He's been very nice.
I have a very good relationship with him.
Okay.
(laughter)
O-Okay.
(laughter)
We all-- We all see it, right?
(laughter)
We're all seeing the same thing?
(applause and cheering)
Yeah. Of course he likes him.
The U.K. is on the verge of electing a prime minister
who looks exactly like Donald Trump.
I mean, look at these guys.
I've never seen two people
who both look like failed clones of each other.
Like, these guys look so much alike
that if they wanted to they could pull a Parent Trap,
switch places and no one would notice.
Yeah, at least until Boris sent a tweet with no typos
and then people would be like "Wait a minute."
So between sticking his nose in British politics
and fighting with the mayor,
Trump hasn't made the greatest impression,
which probably explains why the British
haven't exactly rolled out the red carpet.
Mr. Trump will not stay overnight in Buckingham Palace.
He will not ride in an open carriage
as other state visitors have done,
and he will not be allowed to address Britain's parliament.
TV REPORTER; If you're wondering why isn't he staying
at Buckingham Palace as George W. Bush did,
and as Barack Obama did, that is because, apparently,
they are having massive renovations.
Really?
-Really? -(laughter)
All 52 bedrooms in Buckingham Palace
are being renovated at the same time?
All of them?
-Come on, man. -(cheers and applause)
Like, I know you don't want Trump to stay there,
but that's a terrible excuse,
'cause now I'm picturing the queen being like,
(with British accent): "Donald, I really tried
to get you a room, but the manager said no."
I'm sorry, Donald, it's above me now." He's like,
(mimics Trump): "Please, everyone else stays here."
(with British accent): "I'm sorry, Donald,
the Best Western is next door."
(normal voice): So that was day one
of Trump's visit to the U.K.
And we'll check in on how things go tomorrow after he meets
with Prime Minister Theresa May
and gives her an extra special gift,
a book about World War II.