.
. >>>
. >>> WELCOME BACK, EVERYONE.
AS PARENTS, WE STRESS OVER JUST
ABOUT EVERY ASPECT OF OUR
CHILDS' LIVES.
CHILDS' LIVES. WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE SURE
THEY MAKE THE BEST GRADES,
SCORE THE MOST POINTS, BE THE
BEST PERSON THEY CAN BE?
A RECENT ARTICLE IN THE
"WASHINGTON POST," EXPERTS
CONFIRM THOSE STRESSES OF
COURSE ARE NORMAL.
BUT THEY SAY THERE'S REALLY
JUST ONE PARENTING PRACTICE
THAT WILL MAKE ALL THE
DIFFERENCE.
DIFFERENCE. AND THAT IS BUILDING STRONG
RELATIONSHIPS WITH OUR
CHILDREN.
CHILDREN.
CHILDREN. WE MENTIONED AT THE TOP OF THE
SHOW, IT SEEMS SIMPLE.
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY.
SO LET'S DIVE IN AND SEE WHAT
THE EXPERTS RECOMMEND.
I'M EXCITE TO HAVE CARA BACK,
MICHELLE DESHIELDS AND MAKING
HER REAL TALK DEBUT ATLANTA
MOM'S BLOG WRITER SHERRI OWENS.
WELCOME!
WELCOME!
WELCOME! >> THANK YOU.
I'M SO EXCITE TO SEE NEW PERSON
AND NOT THROUGH THE SCREEN FOR
THE FIRST TIME EVER!
HA HA!
HA HA!
HA HA! >>
HA HA! >> SIT BACK, RELAX AND HAVE
SOME FUN.
SOME FUN.
SOME FUN. WE'RE DYING FOR YOU TO WEIGH
IN, AS WELL.
SO THE EXPERTS SAY, POSITIVE
RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE
UNDISPUTED TAKE-DOWN ALL
CORNERS CHAMPION OF CHILD
DEVELOPMENT.
DEVELOPMENT. THAT SEEMS LEGIT, RIGHT?
BUT DO YOU THINK THAT HAVING
YOUR RELATIONSHIP THAT BOND
WITH YOUR CHILD MATTERS MORE
THAN ALL THE OUTSIDE EXTERNAL
STUFF?
STUFF?
STUFF? >>
STUFF? >> I DO.
>> I DO.
>> I DO. I THINK A PARENT CHILD
RELATIONSHIP WE KNOW THAT IT
INFLUENCES MOST CHILD
DEVELOPMENT OR MOST ASPECTS OF
CHILD DEVELOPMENT SO FOR SURE,
A POSITIVE RELATIONSHIP IS
GOING TO OUTWEIGH THE EXTERNAL
RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE IT'S
GOING TO INFLUENCE A CHILD'S
SELF-ESTEEM AND BEHAVIOR.
AND EVEN THEIR ACADEMICS.
SO I THINK, YEAH, THAT STRONG
BOND, THAT STRONG RELATIONSHIP,
SURELY CAN OUTWEIGH IT BUT WE
DO KNOW OUTSIDE FACTORS DO
MATTER.
MATTER.
MATTER. >> THEY DO BUT IT FIRST STARTS
AT HOME.
AT HOME.
AT HOME. >> ABSOLUTELY.
>> ABSOLUTELY. >> I THINK HOME BASE IS
EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING. AND WHETHER IT COMES TO EATING
DINNER AT NIGHT EVERY NIGHT
WITH YOUR CHILDREN AT HOME IF
YOU ARE ABLE TO DO THAT, TO
BEING WITH THEM ON THE WEEKENDS
AND REALLY HAVING THAT ONE-ON-
ONE TIME, WHATEVER YOU CAN DO,
BUT HOME BASE IS IT.
AND IF IT'S NOT RIGHT AT HOME,
NOTHING ELSE IN THE CHILD'S
LIFE IS GOING TO WORK OUT FOR
THEM, UNFORTUNATELY.
THEM, UNFORTUNATELY. SO HOME IS SO IMPORTANT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> RIGHT. >> THEN THE OUTSIDE INFLUENCES
WILL HAVE MORE OF AN IMPACT.
>> I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T HAVE THAT LUXURY, LIKE
THEY WOULD LOVE TO HAVE TWO
PARENTS AT HOME THAT ARE GOING
TO HAVE DINNER WITH THEM EVERY
NIGHT BUT, LIKE, I JUST KNOW
FROM MY HUSBAND'S STANDPOINT,
LIKE, TEACHERS REALLY ENCOURAGE
ME.
ME.
ME. THAT'S HOW I FOUND HOW I WAS
GOING TO GET ON THIS TRACK.
HE SAID IT WASN'T THAT HIS
PARENTS DIDN'T LOVE HIM.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW THAT -- THEY
DIDN'T KNOW.
DIDN'T KNOW. AND THEY DID THE BEST THEY
COULD AT THE TIME.
BUT YEAH, HE FOUND OUTSIDE
SOURCES THAT REALLY HELPED HIM
GET WHERE HE IS.
>> I AGREE WITH YOU THERE
BECAUSE MY MOM WAS VERY PRESENT
BUT THEN WHEN MY PARENTS
DIVORCED AND MY DAD HAD SORT OF
JUST CHECKED OUT OF LIFE,
UNFORTUNATELY, UM, AND I
REMEMBER THAT SHE WAS, YOU
KNOW, BUSTING TRYING TO WORK
THREE JOBS TO PUT FOOD ON THE
TABLE SO IT WAS THOSE TEACHERS
AND EVEN MY FRIENDS'S PARENTS.
SO WHILE I AGREE WITH THIS,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THIS ISN'T FOR EVERYONE.
EVERYONE DOESN'T HAVE THIS
LUXURY AS YOU SAID.
ONE STUDY OUT OF MINNESOTA
FOUND THAT EARLY PARENTAL CARE
PREDICTED WHICH STUDENTS WOULD
GRADUATE EVEN MORE RELIABLY
THAN IQ, EVEN ACHIEVEMENT TEST
SCORES.
SCORES.
SCORES. DO YOU THINK THAT A PARENT'S
INFLUENCE, CARA, HAS THAT
ACTUAL POWER TO REALLY CREATE
THAT MORE SO THAN --
>> I HAVE SEEN PARENTS WITH
STRICT EXPECTATIONS AND THIS IS
WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO AND
GO TO COLLEGE AND THIS IS WHAT
IS GOING TO HAPPEN, XYZ.
BUT THERE ARE PARENTS THAT SET
UP -- THEY ARE INTUITIVE ENOUGH
TO KNOW, MAYBE MY CHILD DOESN'T
NEED TO GO TO COLLEGE.
YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW? THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE A
DIFFERENT PATH AND THAT'S OKAY.
AND I THINK THAT'S ONE OF THE
BIGGEST OBSTACLES AND THINGS WE
NEED TO FIND OUT AS PARENTS IS
WHAT DO OUR KIDS NEED FROM US
TO BE SUCCESSFUL AND WHATEVER
THAT SUCCESS IS NOW, BUT ALSO
AT THE SAME TIME, WHAT IS TOO
MUCH?
MUCH?
MUCH? IF
MUCH? IF YOU DON'T GIVE THEM THE IDEA
OF COLLEGE IS SOMETHING THAT
YOU CAN DO AND YOU WILL DO,
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO, DO IT.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE SOME KIND OF
BALANCE.
BALANCE.
BALANCE. IT'S SO HARD.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE OTHER PEOPLE
TO HELP.
TO HELP.
TO HELP. JUST LIKE WE KNOW, A PARENT MAY
NOT BE ABLE TO BE THERE BUT
TEACHERS, GRANDPARENTS, AND
OTHERS MIGHT BE ABLE TO BE
THERE TO ENCOURAGE STUDENTS OR
CHILDREN, AS WELL.
NOT EVERYBODY IS GOING TO
COLLEGE OF BUT WE DO KNOW THAT
THERE ARE KIDS WITH HIGH IQs
AND HIGH INTELLIGENCE SCORES.
NOT AS SUCCESSFUL AS YOU
THOUGHT.
THOUGHT.
THOUGHT. IT JUST DEPENDS ON THE CHILD
AND THE PARENTING STYLE.
AND OBVIOUSLY, AS WE TALKED
ABOUT, IF YOU ARE A PARENT
LISTENING, IT'S SO HARD.
WE HAVE SO MANY DIFFERENT
THINGS ON OUR PLATES.
BUT EXPERTS ARE SAYING THAT
ALTHOUGH PARENTS SPEND THEIR
TIME WITH THEIR KIDS, THEY ARE
JUST STRESSED AND RUSHED AS IF
THEY AREN'T ACTUALLY THERE AND
PRESENT WITH THEIR KIDS.
RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU FEEL
THAT WAY.
THAT WAY.
THAT WAY. AND YOU KNOW, AGAIN, WE TALKED
ABOUT THIS AT THE REAL TALK
TABLE SO MUCH ABOUT PUTTING
DOWN THE PHONE AND NOW MY 8-
YEAR-OLD SAYS MOM, I'M TRYING
TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN.
YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
SO WHAT DO WE DO, THEN?
I MEAN, OKAY, IF WE KNOW THAT
BEING PRESENT IS SO KEY, THEN
WHAT DO WE DO?
WHAT DOES LEE DO WHEN HE IS NOT
TRAVELING AND NOT WORK SO HARD?
>> I THINK THAT FOR ME,
PERSONALLY, WHEN I WAS NOT
WORKING, I WAS MUCH LESS
PRESENT EVEN THOUGH I WAS THERE
ALL THE TIME.
SO WHEN I STARTED WORKING AND
HAVING AN OUTLET FOR MYSELF,
WHETHER IT'S WORKING OUTSIDE
THE HOME OR WHATEVER IT IS,
THAT KEEPS YOU OCCUPIED FOR A
CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME THAT'S
NOT FOCUSED ON YOUR CHILDREN,
REALLY HELPS ME FOCUS ON THEM
WHEN IT WAS JUST US.
>> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. >> THE MOST IMPORTANT TIME
RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT NOW. I WORK FROM HOME.
AND SO MY THING IS I -- THE
COMPUTER IS ALWAYS THERE.
MY OFFICE IS ALWAYS THERE.
MY LAPTOP IS DOWN.
SO AT 4:30, NO MATTER WHAT,
IT'S CLOSED.
IT'S CLOSED. YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW?
YOU KNOW? I HAVE TO CLOSE IT UP.
OR ELSE I'M GOING TO MISS IT.
THIS IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT TIME
RIGHT NOW IS LIKE MY PARENTS
USED TO ALWAYS TELL ME, YOU
KNOW, TAKE EVERY DAY IN.
THEY ARE ONLY LITTLE FOR LONG.
>> HOLY COW IT REALLY HAPPENED!
>> NOTHING IS FOREVER CHANGING
DIAPERS.
DIAPERS.
DIAPERS. >> I LOVE HEARING HER SAY THAT.
AS HARD AS IT MAY SOUND, THAT'S
WHAT SHE IS DOING SCHEDULING
TIME FOR FAMILY TIME.
>> WHAT HAPPENS WITH THAT
PERSON'S THAT, LIKE, CHRIS WHO
SAID TO ME I THINK, WE LOVE YOU
IF YOU'RE WATCHING CHRIS,
SENDING THAT EMAIL.
I GUESS WITH EMAILS IF YOU'RE
NOT LOOKING, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN
SAY, LOOK, I'M SORRY, I WAS --
I'M WITH MY KIDS EVERY NIGHT.
I'M NOT GOING TO ANSWER EMAIL
UNTIL FIRST THING IN THE
MORNING BUT REALLY IT'S HARD.
AT WORK DO THEY FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE NOT GETTING 100%?
>> THERE'S NIGHTS WHEN I'M
SENDING PROJECTS AND EMAILS IN
AT 1 A.M.
AT 1 A.M.
AT 1 A.M. >> BECAUSE THAT'S THE TIME MY
KIDS ARE IN BED AND IT WORKS
FOR MAY.
FOR MAY.
FOR MAY. >> SO YOU DON'T NECESSARILY NOT
CHECK BACK IN UNTIL THE
MORNING, YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL
THEY'RE IN BED.
>> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. >> I TRY.
>> I TRY.
>> I TRY. I'M NOT PERFECT.
I TRY.
I TRY.
I TRY. YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CONCERTED
EFFORT.
EFFORT.
EFFORT. >> YOU HAVE TO BALANCE WORK AND
FAMILY.
FAMILY.
FAMILY. >> LET YOUR CHILD KNOW THEY ARE
LOVED AND NOTHING THEY CAN DO
WILL EVER MAKE YOU LOVE THEM
ANY LESS.
ANY LESS.
ANY LESS. THAT SEEMS LIKE A NO-BRAINER
BUT HOW OFTEN DO YOU REALLY
REITERATE THAT MESSAGE?
IT'S SO IMPORTANT.
IT SHOULD BE EVERY DAY.
MAKE SURE YOU DO IT AS YOU'RE
MESSAGING, WALKING THEM TO THE
BUS OR SHUTTLE OR -- REALLY
IMPRESSING THAT UPON THEM.
>> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. I
>> YES. I DO IT ALL THE TIME BUT THAT'S
JUST HOW I GREW UP.
I GREW UP IN A FAMILY WOULD
ALWAYS TELL US, THEY LOVED ME
AND SO I THINK I JUST DO THAT
MYSELF.
MYSELF.
MYSELF. >> LOOK HOW YOU TURNED OUT.
>> I KNEW MY PARENTS LOVED ME
AND MY DAD WAS MILITARY AND HE
WAS OUT TO SEA SOMETIMES.
I KNEW HE LOVED ME AND HE
MISSED ME AS MUCH, CRYING AND
STUFF AND NOW I'M THE OPPOSITE.
I'M LIKE I LOVE YOU, I LOVE
YOU, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
I HAD THAT FEELING BUT I NEEDED
IT HERE.
IT HERE.
IT HERE. >> YOU NEED TO SHOW IT.
>> I HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE.
MY PARENTS WEREN'T OVERLY GUSHY
OR ANYTHING AND THEN I JUST
CAME ALONG AND I WAS LIKE
HELLO, LOVE ME.
THEY WERE LIKE, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU?
WITH YOU?
WITH YOU? I DON'T KNOW!
JUST LIKE TOTALLY FITTED BUT I
THINK THAT IT WAS, LIKE, IT WAS
GOOD FOR ALL OF US BECAUSE IT
--
--
-- >>
-- >> I
-- >> I STILL HAVE TO TACKLE IT.
SHE IS A WORK IN PROGRESS,
PEOPLE.
PEOPLE.
PEOPLE. I
PEOPLE. I KNOW SHE LOVES ME.
COME HERE.
COME HERE. OKAY.
OKAY.
OKAY. SECONDLY, BE PREDICTABLE.
THEY SAY OF COURSE, THEY WANT
TO KNOW WHEN THEY ARE CRYING
THEY ARE GOING TO BE COMFORTED.
THEY NEED TO KNOW THAT IF THEY
HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUESTION,
THEY ARE GOING TO BE HEARD.
THEY ARE GOING TO BE VALUED.
HOW DO YOU LET YOUR KIDS KNOW
IN THOSE SITUATIONS HONESTLY
THAT I GOT THIS?
I HAVE YOUR BACK?
AGAIN, IT'S NOT JUST BEING
PRESENT.
PRESENT.
PRESENT. WHAT ELSE CAN YOU REALLY DO?
LETTING THEM KNOW IT'S OKAY IF
YOU MESSED UP BUT JUST HAVING
THAT DIALOGUE WITH THEM.
I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO BE
PERFECT.
PERFECT.
PERFECT. >> JUST COMMUNICATING THEM
REGULARLY, BEING CONSISTENT.
LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU HAVE
THEIR BACK EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG. IN
WRONG. IN SOME SITUATIONS.
BUT LETTING THEM HAVE A VOICE
AND LISTENING HELPS.
BUT IT'S BASICALLY TO BE
PREDICTABLE, YOU NEED TO BE
CONSISTENT.
CONSISTENT. >> ROUTINES.
>> ROUTINES. >> YES.
>> YES.
>> YES. >> THEY LOVE ROUTINES.
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> ABSOLUTELY. >> ONE THING I LEARNED FROM
READING FROM ATLANTA MOM'S BLOG
FROM ANOTHER MOM WAS I KEPT
SAYING THINGS LIKE, YOU DON'T
NEED TO CRY.
THINGS WILL BE BETTER.
WHY ARE YOU FEELING THIS WAY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT HAPPENED? INSTEAD OF FORCING MY OWN
FEELINGS OF THE SITUATION WHAT
WAS HAPPENING.
WAS HAPPENING. TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL.
>> I THINK IN A WORLD WHERE
EVERYTHING IS KIND OF FILTERED
AND GLOSSY WE CAN SORT OF PUT
OUT WHATEVER IMAGE WE WANT THAT
IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO TEACH THEM
THAT WE MESS UP A LOT, WE'RE
NOT ALWAYS PERFECT.
I HAVE DONE THAT MY WHOLE LIFE
EMBARRASSING MY PARENTS BUT I
THINK IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO MAKE
PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT
ALONE BECAUSE WE ARE NOT ALONE
AND WHEN YOU TRY ACT LIKE
NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO
YOU, YOUR KIDS WILL THINK
THINGS ARE IMPOSSIBLE OR HOLD
THINGS FROM YOU.
>> WE TALKED ABOUT WHEN IS THE
RIGHT TIME TO HAVE CERTAIN
CONVERSATIONS AND I FEEL LIKE
NOW DEFINITELY CAROLINE AT 10
OR EVEN KATE AT 8, I'LL FIND
MYSELF THEY ARE VERY SWEET,
THEY ASK ME HOW MY DAY WENT
WHICH IS SO NICE.
SO AM I EXPLAINING, THIS
HAPPENED AND IT DIDN'T MAKE ME
FEEL GOOD AND ANYTHING LIKE
THAT HAPPENING TO YOU?
AND I FEEL LIKE, IT'S SO
IMPORTANT BUT ALSO WE TALKED
ABOUT TIMING OF THOSE
CONVERSATIONS, TOO.
CONVERSATIONS, TOO. DON'T WANT TO SAY TOO MUCH IF
THEY ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH, MATURE
ENOUGH.
ENOUGH.
ENOUGH. >> SO I THINK IT DEPENDS HOW
MATURE THE CHILD IS.
YOU KNOW YOUR CHILDREN.
YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME AT
DIFFERENT AGES.
DIFFERENT AGES. >> THEY TALK ABOUT INTENTIONAL
INTERACTIONS.
INTERACTIONS. WE KNOW THESE THINGS.
GO FOR A WALK, READ A BOOK.
BAKE COOKIES.
BAKE COOKIES. DOESN'T HAVE TO BE FOR A LONG
TIME.
TIME.
TIME. YESTERDAY, I CHOSE -- HURRY UP
AND TAKE A BATH AND WE'LL WATCH
A MOVIE.
A MOVIE.
A MOVIE. WE DON'T USUALLY WATCH MOVIES
DURING THE WEEK.
IT WAS A SPIRITUAL MOVIE SO I
WAS LIKE WHY NOT?
IT'S HARD TO CARVE OUT THAT
TIME AND NOT JUST A SPORT OR
HOBBY, JUST --
>> ONE THING OUR KITCHEN TABLE
IS LIKE IT TO US.
IF WE'RE DOING SOMETHING, WE
TRY TO BRING IT BACK TO THE
KITCHEN TABLE.
KITCHEN TABLE. MY TABLE IS SO OLD.
BUT THAT'S OUR LIKE CENTER
THING.
THING.
THING. THEY KNOW IF WE'RE THERE WE ARE
DOING SOMETHING TOGETHER, TV IS
OFF, MUSIC IS ON KIND OF THING
AND THAT'S OUR TIME.
>> I LOVE THAT.
>> WE HAVE PROBABLY OUR FARM
TABLE IS WHERE WE ALL G WE KNOW
THAT'S THE HOMEWORK SPOT, THE
SPOT TO WORK IT OUT AND --
>> WE HAVE LOTS OF MUSIC IN OUR
HOUSE.
HOUSE.
HOUSE. >>
HOUSE. >> YEAH.
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH. >> TIME OUT FOR A DANCE PARTY.
>> THANK YOU, LADIES.
SO APPRECIATE THAT.
AND WE WANT TO YOU WEIGH IN.
I KNOW TRENT ASKED YOU AT THE
TOP OF THE SHOW, WHAT ARE SOME
WAYS THAT YOU ARE FOSTERING