What does God say about divorce?
A friend of mine recently preached a sermon
on divorce that lasted 49 minutes.
Afterwards, I
tried to learn from his experience.
I asked him,
"If you could do it again,
what would you do differently?"
And he said just two words:
"Preach
longer."
Now, I get that.
The Bible has so much to say about
marriage and divorce.
About
causes for divorce
and what to do after divorce.
About what God
thinks of the divorce.
There's so much to say.
And whether you've been in
a difficult relationship,
whether you are divorced,
whether you love someone
who's thinking about filing,
there's so many questions, aren't there?
Is God OK with this?
Is the church OK with this?
What if he hit me?
What if she cheated on me?
What if he's drinking?
What if she's flirting?
What if he stopped trying?
What if the kids are in the middle?
What if your heart's broken?
What if there are no feelings,
no love, no affection?
What does God say about that?
This week, I want to try to
answer those questions with you.
We can't dig as deep perhaps
as we'd like to,
but I want to give you a start of a discussion.
Where in the Bible do you go
when you want answers about divorce?
And I want to
leave you with this passage today.
John 1:14 says,
Whatever Jesus says to us
about divorce,
it's full of grace
and truth.
It's true, which means we can trust it.
Our culture might say this,
our feelings might say that,
our family might suggest this.
But whatever Jesus said is true.
We can lean on it
and not on our own understanding.
And we also know that
Jesus is full of grace.
Of undeserved love.
For people who are struggling,
for people who have said things
in a relationship they
wish they could take back,
even for people who've been divorced.
I hope you can join us this week
as we dig into God's word
to find answers about divorce
from the Jesus who is full of
both grace
and truth.
What does Jesus think about divorced people?
You don't have to guess
the answer to that question because
the Bible gives it.
Maybe you've heard the story of
when Jesus met with
the woman at the well.
Who wasn't just in a bad marriage
and she wasn't just divorced,
she had been divorced so many times
that if one more happened,
she would have needed two hands
to count them.
Here's this multiple times
divorced woman and the
divine Lord sitting down at the well
for a conversation.
Do you know what happens?
Jesus is full of grace and truth.
He's full of truth.
He has something to say about divorce,
about this woman's heart.
He cares about her.
He cares so much that even if
it gets awkward,
even if he has to
ram this topic into the conversation,
he needs to talk to her about divorce.
Because he's full of truth.
Divorce hurts people.
Divorce never happens without sin.
He wants to know what's in her heart
that she keeps going from
man to man and divorce to divorce.
He's full of truth.
But he's also full of grace.
In fact, one of my favorite passages
in the Gospel of John is one you might skip.
in the Gospel of John is one you might skip. John 4:4 said,
John 4:4 said,
Any first-century Jew
would have read that and said,
"No, you could have walked around Samaria."
In fact, most of us do,
but not Jesus.
He had to.
Why does the Bible say that?
Because he had to let
this divorced woman know
that God
was full of grace.
That being ostracized
as a five-time divorcee
did not disqualify her
from the grace of God.
And maybe
Jesus had to speak to you today
for that same reason.
Maybe this seems like a coincidence that,
that you and I are talking right now.
But maybe Jesus wanted to make so clear
that even if you've been divorced,
twice,
five times,
God is full of grace.
There is still love.
There is forgiveness.
There is a place at God's table
with your heavenly father
no matter what happened
with your marriage.
God so loved the world
that he gave his only son.
And guess who's in the world?
Divorced people.
You.
So come to Jesus with your questions.
And know this: that
whatever he says,
it will be full of grace and truth.
It will be full of incredible love
for people just like you.
"But Pastor,
what if I don't feel anything for him?"
I hate it when I hear stuff like that.
When a couple wants to
come to counseling,
and they sit cross-legged on
opposite ends of the couch.
And one of them drops that bomb,
"I don't feel
anything. I don't feel in love.
There's no affection.
There's, there's no desire.
There's nothing.
Pastor, what should we do?"
I hate those moments because
I know that
divorce is just one small step away.
But I always try to give people
the same message
when they have no feelings
for the one they married.
I talk to them about fruit.
And I talk to them about trees.
And I talk to them about seeds.
The fruit, I say,
is like feelings.
The feelings of affection,
the feelings that our marriage
is going to get better,
the feelings that he really loves me,
she really respects me.
Those are beautiful.
God wants that fruit
in your relationship.
But fruit doesn't just appear in the air.
It grows on trees.
And trees in a marriage are like trust.
When you trust one another.
When you can put your heart
in your spouse's hands and
you know that they won't smash it
with a vice grip.
When you know that they care.
When you know that they're trying.
When that trust happens,
eventually that tree produces good fruit,
feelings come back.
But trees don't just pop out of the ground.
They grow from
seeds.
And the seeds are mutual submission.
Selfless acts of love.
When you do what's best for another person.
When you say, "You first,"
because you love Jesus.
Plant those seeds.
Give those seeds enough time
and trust will start to grow.
And when trust is strong enough,
feelings will come back.
Maybe you're in a marriage where the
feelings are gone, and
and you're not sure if you should
stick with it.
I would say this: Before you decide
to stay or to go,
to divorce or to not,
sow some seeds.
Show love and respect
out of reverence for Jesus Christ.
I think of words like Ephesians 4:32,
Why do you love God?
Because Jesus planted a seed.
He said, "You first."
That's why we trust him.
That's why we have emotion for him.
And it's why we love him.
And the same thing
works in our marriages, too.
Sow seeds.
And eventually, by God's grace,
the feelings
will come back.
Why does God hate divorce?
The Bible says that,
that God hates divorce. He,
doesn't hate divorced people.
He doesn't hate it when a person
files for divorce
if they have a good biblical reason.
But he hates it when
divorce happens.
The book of Malachi gives us the answer
to that question.
In Malachi 2:16 says,
So why does God hate
divorce?
Because it starts with hate.
Now that might seem strong.
Maybe you know someone
who's been divorced
and they never hated
their spouse.
But think about this.
In the Bible,
to love someone means
to do what's best for them.
No matter how they're treating you.
No matter how they're serving you -
if they are serving you at all -
it's to do what's best.
That's love.
Therefore, hate is
to NOT do what's best.
You don't have to spew
vile words when you stop trying,
when you stop submitting,
when you stop serving.
That's hate.
And that does violence
to the marriage vows.
So often when we try to figure out
divorce in the church,
we have to ask the question
not just who filed for divorce
but who decided to hate?
Who stopped loving?
Who,
who turned
to friends before their spouse?
Who turned
to alcohol before their spouse?
Who turned to flirting,
to cheating,
to violence, to domestic abuse
before their spouse?
That's the stuff that God hates.
Because it leads to a place
that he hates:
one flesh being ripped into two.
That's the truth.
I know it's hard to hear.
Divorce doesn't happen without hate.
Without one person
or two people
who give up
on trying to do what's best for one another.
But let me remind you that
our God is also full of grace.
He is full of
undeserved love.
He's full of
of crazy compassion.
And so maybe you've been hated.
Maybe someone hasn't done
what's best for you.
I want you to know today that,
that God, no matter
what happened with your marriage,
he loves.
And even if you were the hater,
even if for the first time now
the holy spirit is opening
your eyes to the sins you committed,
God is so full of grace,
it reaches down even to you.
On the cross, Jesus cried out,
"It is finished."
And he thought about sins
just like that, just like yours,
just like mine.
So let's go back to those vows.
Let's make a commitment to love.
Let's ask
God's grace to fill up our hearts
that we can do what's best
no matter what they give in return.
That's what God loves.
And that's why God hates divorce.
"What do I need to know about divorce?"
I asked the divorced man.
I was about to preach a message
to hundreds of people on the topic.
And so I wanted to know from
his perspective what I needed to know.
And I won't soon forget his answer.
He told me the sad story of
his own divorce.
Of years and years
of a lack of love where
two people stopped serving each other,
where things fell apart.
The feelings were gone.
The trust was gone.
The mutual service was gone.
And so he went to his church.
Then he went to his pastor
and he tried to talk.
And the judgment, and the verdict,
and the "do this"
came lightning fast.
Even more people in the church
came to a conclusion that quickly.
"So what should I learn from your story?"
I asked him.
And he came down to just one word:
listen.
It made me think of James, chapter 1,
where Jesus' brother said,
If you're in my position,
if you're a spiritual leader,
or if you're a Christian and you love
or if you're a Christian and you love someone who's thinking about a divorce -
someone who's thinking about a divorce -
if it's your sister,
your daughter, your best friend,
your roommate, your co-worker -
can I encourage you to learn from
that man's wisdom
and be quick to listen?
It takes months,
years, sometimes even more
to get to the point of divorce.
There's so much of a story,
so much of a heart that we need to understand.
And people really don't care
what we know biblically about divorce,
unless, unless they know that we care
about their divorce.
Be quick to listen.
Or if you're on the other end
of that conversation,
if you've set in your heart that this is
the path you're going to go,
can I encourage you to listen to these words:
be quick to listen.
To a pastor.
To Christian friends.
To family members
who love you and love God,
who care about your feelings
but they don't care about your feelings
so much that they'll throw out
the Bible passages that guide you
to the best
possible, most blessed
position.
I wish divorce never happened.
I'm sure you do, too.
And God absolutely feels the same way.
But in a world where marriage is hard,
when things are difficult,
be quick to listen
and slow to speak.
Be quick to listen to Jesus
who is so full of truth.
And be quick to listen to Jesus
who is even more full
of grace.