I'M TRYING TO STAY IN SHAPE, THOUGH.
I BELONG TO A GYM NOW... WELL, LET ME REPHRASE THAT.
I DON'T BELONG THERE AT ALL, BUT I GO.
I GO.
THERE'S BIG GUYS AT THE GYM, HAVE YOU SEEN THE BIG GYM GUYS ?
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT ?
BIG GYM GUYS...
BIG, LIKE BIG PIGEONS JUST WALKIN' AROUND.
ALWAYS ASKING EACH OTHER
WHAT PART OF THE BODY THEY'RE WORKING OUT TOO, Y'KNOW.
LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT TODAY ?"
"BACK AND BIs."
"WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT ?"
"ASS AND HEAD."
( cheers and applause )
I HAD NO IDEA, FIRST TIME I WENT,
THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU WORKING OUT TODAY ?"
I WAS LIKE, "CHILDHOOD ISSUES.
IS THERE A MACHINE FOR THAT ?"
THEY'RE BIG.
THEY ALWAYS WANT TO GIVE YOU A SPOT, TOO.
AND THEY YELL AT YOU LIKE, "ALL YOU, ALL YOU !"
I'M LIKE, "SOME YOU !
"IT'S TOO HEAVY !
"A LITTLE BIT ME, MOSTLY YOU !
TOO HEAVY !"
PEOPLE GO ON WEIRD DIETS THOUGH, YOU KNOW ?
I LIKE THE DIET WHERE YOU COULD EAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.
THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
IT'S ALWAYS LIKE REAL SPECIFIC THINGS.
LIKE FROM NINE TO TWELVE YOU COULD EAT ASPARAGUS,
AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.
YOU COULD JUST EAT, EAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.
THEN FROM TWELVE TO SEVEN YOU DRINK WATER,
AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.
YOU COULD JUST DRINK AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.
THEN FROM SEVEN 'TIL WHENEVER YOU GO TO BED, YOU CRY.
YOU JUST CRY,
CRY AS MUCH AS YOU WANT 'CAUSE YOU'RE STARVING.
YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY,
AND YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO CRY.
NOT EASY TO EAT HEALTHY, THOUGH, RIGHT ?
I REMEMBER LAST THANKSGIVING I GO OVER TO MY MOM AND DAD'S
FOR THE TRADITIONAL THANKSGIVING DINNER,
AND MY MOM ORDERS
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT ? BOSTON MARKET.
BUT SHE SERVED IT IN HER OWN CHINA, RIGHT ?
SO THAT THE GUESTS WOULDN'T KNOW.
BUT MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND I WOULD DROP SUBTLE HINTS.
WE'D BE LIKE, "SO MA, DO WE GET
"IS IT TWO OR IS IT JUST THE CORNBREAD ?
WHAT'S THE POLICY ?"
SHE WAS LIKE, "JUST TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND PASS IT."
I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW, CAN I SEE YOUR MANAGER
"BECAUSE I
"Y'KNOW, I'VE BEEN EATING HERE A LONG TIME, ALL RIGHT ?
"ALL RIGHT-- OKAY.
YES, I HAVE."
I THINK THE BIGGEST THING AT MY FAMILY PARTIES
IS DECIDING WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO WITH THE PLASTIC FORKS.
Y'KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?
"ARE WE KEEPING THE FORKS ?
"ARE WE GONNA KEEP THE FORKS ?
'CAUSE YOU CAN WASH 'EM.
YOU WASH 'EM, THEN YOU USE 'EM AGAIN.
OKAY, SO WE'RE GONNA THROW THE CUPS
BUT WE'RE KEEPING THE FORKS ?
WE'RE GONNA KEEP 'EM...
'CAUSE YOU CAN WASH 'EM.
AND YOU CAN TELL HOW OLD YOU ARE
BASED ON HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FORKS.
'CAUSE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I WAS LIKE, "THROW THE DAMN FORKS.
"WHO CARES, WE'LL GET MORE.
"ON BEHALF OF THE ENTIRE KIDDY TABLE, WE SAY,
"( bleep ) THE FORKS.
"THAT'S HOW WE FEEL ABOUT THE SITUATION.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH."
SO, I'M SINGLE... THANK YOU.
( women cheering )
I OFTEN THINK ABOUT MY FUTURE WIFE
AND HOW LAX SHE'S BEEN ABOUT GETTING IN TOUCH WITH ME.
I DON'T KNOW, BEING SINGLE IS KIND OF A STRUGGLE
BETWEEN LONELINESS AND EUPHORIA.
IT'S LIKE LONELINESS RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT
AND EUPHORIA THE WHOLE REST OF THE DAY.
JUST REAL HAPPY, LIKE A BALANCE.
( cheers and applause )