That's actually why people get married, you know, just so you know.
Because this is built into marital vows:
I'm not leaving
ever, no matter!
It's like, okay, well,
that definitely puts a boundary around our arguments, right?
Because I can't can't say every time you manifest one of your flaws,
which you're likely to do just as often as me,
well, enough of this.
It's like, that's horrible man.
If your whole life is, well, every time you get out of line, I'm out of here.
It's like, how the hell are you...
First of all, you're not going to admit to ever doing anything wrong.
Second, you're going to be on your...
You're like a scared cat the entire relationship because, well, who knows?
It could just come to an end at any moment.
It's like, you know, people say, well,
if the possibility of divorce is open, it makes you free.
It's like, yeah, that's what you want.
You want to be free, eh?
Really? Really??
So you can't predict anything.
That's what you're after.
It's a vow!
And it says: "Look,
I know that you're in trouble.
Me, too.
So, we won't leave.
No matter what happens."
Well, that's a hell of a vow, but that's why it's a vow, right?
That's why you take it in front of a bunch of people.
That's why it's supposed to be a sacred act.
It's like, what's the alternative?
What's the alternative?
Everything is mutable and changeable at any moment.
Well, go ahead.
You live your life like that and see what you're like when you're 50.
Jesus, it's dismal. Two or three divorces, your family's fragmented.
You've got no continuity of narrative.
And it's not good for the kids, not by any stretch of the imagination.
And so it's a form of voluntary enslavement, I suppose.
But it's also equivalent to the adoption of a responsibility.
And there's more to it than that.
If you can't run away, then you can solve your problems because it might be:
"Okay. Well, I'm stuck with you.
So how about we fix things?"
Because the alternative is we're going
to be in a boxing match for the next 40 years.
That's the alternative.
And you think you're going to fix problems
without something like that hanging over your head?
There isn't a chance. You'll just avoid them, because that's what people do.
It's really hard to solve problems, especially in a relationship.
We're having a fight. And I find out that it's because
you were abused by your uncle when you were 5 or some goddamn thing.
It's very frequent that that sort of thing happens.
The partner, your partner is
manifesting some weird anomalous behavior you just can't make heads or tails of it.
It doesn't seem related to what you're doing at all.
They don't want to talk about it.
And so as soon as you bring it up, they get mad, and then you bring it up again.
They even get madder, and they tell you that they're not going
to talk about that, or they're going to leave.
And so maybe you're really, really persistent because you're kind
of a son of a bitch, and then they break down and cry,
and then they have this horrible memory that comes flooding forward.
That's completely...
You don't know what to do with it, and then you have to sort it out.
So you think you're going to do that unless there's a good reason?
You have to know. We better start this out
or we're going to be carrying it around for the next 40 years.
That maybe is enough motivation,
so you'll actually try hard to solve a problem.
It's a lot easier to say, well,
sorry, we're not going there. But then good.
You'll have it every day, every day, every goddamn day for the rest of your life.
See, there's some additional
problems with divorce that people don't really grasp when they're young.
Like the idea that you can be divorced once you have children.
That's kind of a stupid idea. Because you can't.
You can find a limited substitute for your initial freedom.
But...
If you have kids and you try to get divorced, the probability that that's
going to demolish your life is very, very high.
First of all, it's incredibly expensive.
So one or both of you is going to come out of that poor.
And your market value has declined.
Let's say you're the woman who takes the kids.
Your market value has declined, radically.
You're going to be poorer.
The man, he's just as screwed
because he is now an indentured servant, and there's no escape from it.
It's not so bad if you can negotiate a peaceful separation, and some people can.
But lots of times, if you have a terrible
relationship, it's not like negotiating a peaceful separation is all that easy.
But if you're at each other's throats, good luck to you.
I think it's roughly equivalent to having nonfatal cancer.
It is not pleasant.
It's a ten year process, 15 year process.
It'll cost you $250,000, and it'll tear a big chunk out of your life.
And also it will really disrupt your relationship with your kids.
And you bring kids into a step parent family.
They do not do as well.
Step parents are not as good parents as
biological parents, and the data on that is clear.
Now, obviously, there are exceptions because there are terrible biological
parents and there are wonderful stepparents.
But if you look in aggregate,
it's not that easy to care for children.
You need everything
you can binding you to them.
And if there's someone else's children,
mostly they get in the way of the person that you love.
Let's say you have a child, and I want to go out with you.
Every second you spend with that child is the second you don't spend with me.
And there's going to be a price for that.
I'm not going to be happy about that.
And if I have a child, you're going to feel exactly the same way.
You might say, well, no. I love children.
It's like. Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sure you do.
I doubt it.
You might love your child.
And it's pretty specific.
The way that people love children.
And the rate of abuse for kids
in step parent families is way higher than it is in biological families.
There's not even any comparison.