Normally, we would catch up
on all of the headlines from around the world.
You know, maybe we'd talk about Harvey Weinstein
getting 23 years in prison.
-(cheering and applause) -Uh, yeah.
Or we could talk about the Supreme Court
giving President Trump a victory on immigration.
But today, there's only one story
the entire world is talking about:
the coronavirus,
aka COVID-19,
aka mambo number death.
(laughter)
It's now in 110 countries
with over 122,000 confirmed cases,
and it looks like it's only getting worse.
NEWSWOMAN: The World Health Organization today
officially designating coronavirus
as a global pandemic.
Congress's in-house doctor told Capitol Hill staffers
at a closed-door meeting this week that he expects
75 to 150 million people
in the United States to contract the coronavirus.
NEWSWOMAN 2: New tests led by the U.S. government scientists
show the virus can live in the air for several hours
and on some surfaces for up to three days.
Oh, okay. That's a lot of information,
so let's try and break it all down.
First, the "weld..." World Health Organization
has officially just declared coronavirus a global pandemic.
Which, yes, is scary for us humans,
but from corona's perspective, it's pretty cool. Yeah?
No, 'cause for a virus,
this is like going platinum, you know?
It's... it's a big day.
Started from the Wuhan, now we're here.
(laughter)
I think it's pretty cool for corona.
And yes, I'm saying that because I hope
if I suck up to corona, it'll leave me alone.
I, uh, I'm not sure if it'll work,
but I'm gonna try it.
Now, the second piece of information
is a little more disconcerting.
Congress's in-house doctor
says up to 150 million people in the United States
could end up getting corona.
Yeah. That is half the country.
And then the other half won't get it
because they're clearly losers who don't have friends.
Yeah. It's gonna be like, "Like, how do you not have corona?
Has nobody touched you? I'd rather be dead."
And the third point might be the most scary.
Uh, we're learning that this coronavirus
can stay on some surfaces for up to three days.
Yeah. Although, in New York, it doesn't stay as long
because it can't afford the rent.
That's the good news.
The housing crisis is real.
Now, on some surfaces like cardboard...
Apparently, corona can only survive for a day
if it's cardboard.
But then on harder surfaces like glass,
it can survive for much longer.
So, like, your cell phone?
That could be a problem.
Yeah. My advice?
Clear your browsing history.
Yeah, I mean, you might still get corona,
but at least the doctors won't see all the freaky shit
you've been searching on your phone.
"Is this your emergency co... Wait, what the hell?"
And look, guys, I know we're all scared,
but it's important to keep a clear head.
Panic is not gonna help anything.
Right? We're still learning about this.
We're still learning about the mortality rate.
And panic is not helping, 'cause right now some people
are letting their panic make them dumb as shit.
The impact of the coronavirus being felt across the country,
now affecting everything from air travel to schools
to what's on store shelves,
or what's not on store shelves in some case.
Some retailers seeing a run on many of the basics.
NEWSMAN: Well, just a crazy scene at a grocery store
where toilet paper has been in high demand.
NEWSWOMAN: Yeah, surveillance video shows
a stampede of customers clearing the shelves.
NEWSMAN 2: Fights over toilet paper
breaking out in grocery stores as shelves run empty.
People, what are you doing?
(laughter and applause)
I really don't understand what people are do...
You do not need to panic over toilet paper.
Water, I would understand, right?
Food, medicine, yes,
but you can survive without toilet paper.
Don't forget. You're in a bathroom.
"Oh, how will I clean my butt in this room with a shower?"
Like, I feel like-- I feel like people in first world countries
don't know what to panic about.
Toilet paper? Are you shitting me?
(cheering and applause)
Like, what...
What's next? Are people just gonna be running around Walmart
like, "Ah! Where's the car wax? Ah!"
And maybe it's because-- it's because, where I grew up,
there were times when we didn't have toilet paper.
Honestly, when I was a kid, we didn't have toilet paper.
We always made a plan. Right? You can use newspaper.
You just rub it together. This is a true thing. Right?
You can use paper towels. Hell, everyone in America has a dog.
Push comes to shove, you wipe your ass on the dog.
Yeah. "Freckles, get out here!"
-(laughter, groaning) -(laughs)
People are like, "I'd rather use my hands, Trevor!"
Look, man, just avoid panicking.
Because if you panic, you stop thinking clearly.
And if you're not thinking clearly,
then you'll start to believe anything that you hear.
And there is a lot of bad information that is out there.
Well, the spread of the coronavirus, it's also led
to a lot of spread of misinformation.
There are more rumors going around on social media
about how to avoid the coronavirus.
Eating garlic, drinking bleach,
snorting cocaine-- yes--
and masturbation
are not miracle cures for coronavirus.
Yes.
Drinking bleach,
snorting cocaine,
and masturbating
is not the way to cure corona.
It's the way to kick off the most rock-and-roll party
of your life.
That's what that is.
-(cheering and applause) -That's what that is.
And I don't understand
how anyone even falls for any of that.
None of those things gets rid of the coronavirus.
Right? Bleach gets rid of stains.
You can't drink it. It's not gonna help you.
Garlic gets rid of vampires, okay?
Cocaine gets rid of your money. That's it.
Like, in a way, the only thing that makes sense
is masturbating, okay?
Yeah, it won't cure you.
But if you stay in and you do that all day,
you'll probably have less chance of catching the virus.
Yeah. You know? Uh, if the CDC really wants people
to self-quarantine, forget the Purell--
they should just be handing out lotion.
"Here you go. Stay home
"and, uh, social distance yourself.
You know what I mean."