Have you ever found yourself believing that you know what someone's thinking?
Only to later realize that what you assumed they were thinking
is really what you're thinking.
This kind of mind reading is a psychological defense
mechanism called projection.
It's where you unconsciously assign your own unwanted
feelings and emotion to someone else.
Doing this can have a serious negative impact on your relationships
and even how you feel about yourself.
That's what I'm talking about today.
I'm Dr. Tracey Marks, a psychiatrist, and I make mental health education videos.
This is the second video in a series of videos
on psychological defense mechanisms.
The first video explained defenses and how they relate to coping skills.
I'll have that video linked to this one in case you missed it.
You can still understand this one if you haven't watched that one.
We all use defense mechanisms there.
The mind's way of helping us navigate emotional stress
and protect our self-esteem.
From rationalization to denial, these mechanisms operate unconsciously,
shielding us from feelings and thoughts that we might not be ready to confront.
In this context, unconscious means beyond your awareness.
Your mind is working behind the scenes, reacting to life on autopilot for you.
Although these defense mechanisms can be adaptive
and help us cope with life's challenges, they can also interfere
with our relationships and personal growth when they're overused or misapplied.
Today, we're zeroing in on projection.
Projection is where you have feelings that are unacceptable to you.
And instead of owning them, you assign them to someone else.
And this involves a lot of inaccurate mind reading.
Here's an example.
Tina has always lived in the shadow of her sister, who was always prettier,
smarter and more success for Tina married her college sweetheart right
after graduation and almost immediately became a stay at home wife and mom.
Fast forward several years and one night she and her husband were watching
television and a story about her sister appeared on the news.
Her sister was promoted to CFO of a technology company.
Tina's husband says, Wow, your sister is amazing.
Tina feels hurt by his comment and says, I bet you regret marrying me.
I've never been good enough for you.
Her husband is not surprised by her comment because she frequently
accuses him of having an affair with a better woman,
even though her husband feels she's let herself go since she had the kids.
He still loves her
and frankly, he's sick of her accusing him of wanting other women.
Now, what's really behind this is Tina is disappointed
with where she is in life, and it's affected her self-worth.
She loves her kids but feels like her stay at home
life has held her back and kept her from becoming the best version of herself.
Seeing her sister's accomplishments makes her feel even more insecure.
Tina recognizes her insecurity, but what she doesn't
recognize on a conscious level is her regret that she married
and had children so young since her youngest child is nine.
She feels trapped for the next ten years
in a life of putting her needs behind the needs of everyone else.
Tina projects this unacceptable thought onto her husband by insisting that
he's the one who regrets getting married, when in reality it's her own regret.
But that regret is too unacceptable for her
to consciously admit and say out loud.
Tina Thoughts are problematic on a couple of levels.
One, she's assigned negative thoughts to her husband that he doesn't have,
and because of this, she's built up resentments
that he doesn't deserve because they're based on false assumptions
and he's stuck having to deflect her attacks and walk on eggshells,
not knowing what's okay to say and what's not.
She really going to get mad every time he compliments his sister in law.
The second problem is projection reinforces your own negative thoughts
when you project a negative feelings onto others.
You set yourself up for needing them to affirm you and build you up.
So in some sense, you can become emotionally needy
because you rely on others to validate you.
How do you recognize this in yourself?
It's challenging to recognize this, given that it's an unconscious process,
but there are some behavioral red flags that can give you pause
and a chance to reflect.
Some signs that you're projecting are having intense emotional reactions
to what others say or do, especially if the reactions seem disproportionate.
Like you easily
blow up at people and you're not always sure what they said to make you angry.
Another thing is you find yourself blaming people a lot.
You spend a lot of time noticing people's flaws or trying to fix them.
There are different reasons that people are critical,
but in this case, it's because you're noticing your flaws in other people.
A common saying for this is you spot it, you got it.
And then another sign that you're projecting is seeing
a pattern in the conflicts that you have with people.
There are frequent misunderstandings or people don't understand
why you're offended or angry.
And this happens across different kinds of relationships.
Now, it may be easier to recognize that someone is projecting on to you.
Here's an example.
Let's say you plan a nice outing for us.
You and me to go on a picnic.
You make all the arrangements with the food and the location.
But doing something like this makes you feel vulnerable because
you don't want anything to go wrong and you really want me to like it.
I compliment you and say how nice it is.
And then later I look up at the sky and say, It looks cloudy.
I hope it doesn't rain.
You explode and say, I guess I can't do anything right then.
Fine, we'll leave.
I think, Whoa, Where did that come from?
I thought we were having a nice time.
Now, if I had loose boundary laws in this area
of assuming other's negative emotions and owning blame,
I might feel bad for saying what I said and ruining our time.
Thanks to me, we're now leaving.
But if I had stronger boundaries
in this area, I would not accept that your anger is my fault.
And I apologize.
I would recognize that here we are in nature
and I should feel free to observe what I see in front of me.
Now, you're not trying to be someone's therapist, but in this scenario,
if I wanted to help my friend gain some insight,
I would try to get them to show me the connection
between what I actually said and what they're accusing me of.
So what about the clouds?
Make you feel like I'm criticizing you?
Or an even simpler response is,
When did you hear me say you screwed up?
Chances are they will say something like, I know you and I can tell
you're not happy and that you've been wanting to leave.
Or they bring up stuff from other situations.
Everyone's like, You always think I'm not good at anything.
But the telltale sign that they're projecting
other stuff onto you is their claim is based on inferences
that have nothing to do with what you actually said or did in this instance.
I said, It's cloudy, but you hear you can't pick a good day for a picnic.
So what do you do in this situation?
If you have a tendency to accept other people's
negative emotions and accusations as fact,
then you need to get better at pushing back and not owning it.
Let the other person deal
with their negative self-talk without being able to blame you for it.
In this specific situation, I could say I'm sorry
you feel this way, but I didn't say anything critical of you.
If this person has self awareness and realizes that in some situation,
once they overreact or misinterpret people's intentions, they can accept that,
hey, maybe this is one of those times
and I'll step back and give this some thought.
That's a sign of a healthy relationship that the person missteps
but listens to feedback and tries to modify their behavior.
We're all flawed individuals
and say and do things that hurt people or insult people.
But if you're in a relationship where there's mutual respect
for one another, we give each other room to make mistakes,
but also learn from them and make efforts to improve ourselves.
So a bad sign would be
if the person got angrier at me for not accepting their blame.
And that's likely because they have very little self-awareness
or have rigid thinking that doesn't make room for other people's opinions.
If you struggle to set boundaries with people, take a look at this video
on unlocking your narrative identity and the handy companion workbook
that can help you discover why you respond to things the way you do.
It's called Unlock Your Story.
Mapping your Narrative Journey.
Relationships and life events shape our thoughts about the world
and how we respond to it.
The more you understand yourself
and your motivations, the better you can adapt to challenges.
Navigate relationship ups with greater understanding,
and find richer fulfillment in life.
Thank you for watching. See you next time.