- I am not a kid person. Like, it's just not in me.
I think as a woman, it's either in you or isn't.
You either have to have that maternal feeling or you don't,
and I've never had that feeling.
Hey guys, I'm Jesy Nelson
and this is my GLAMOUR Unfiltered interview.
Two years ago, I told GLAMOUR that I was in a place
where I never thought I'd be happy again,
and now I'm sitting here and I can genuinely say,
hand on my heart that I am the happiest that I've ever been
in a long time and I think the main reason for that
is because I've taken control over my life
and I've looked after myself.
I think we don't look after ourselves enough in life.
Like, some people think it's selfish to, you know,
look after yourself and take control of your life.
I think it's so important to do that
because, as cheesy as it sounds, you only live once.
I think the girls knew that I was struggling
for a long time, like, it wasn't a secret.
I'd been quite open with how I'd been feeling
over the last few years.
And it was kind of, yeah,
towards last year that it got really, really bad for me.
And I just think, yeah, they just knew that, like,
it was just time for me to, like, take a minute to, like,
just deal with what I was going through
and just focus on myself and look after myself.
And it's always gonna feel weird for me, like,
not speaking to the girls, 'cause obviously, you know,
we were in a band together for 10 years, like I said,
we are, we're like sisters, they're like my right arm
and so to, like, have that 24/7 in my life
to then just have them not there at all
is a very, very weird, strange feeling
but it's just one of them things,
like, things happen in life, but you know,
I still love them to pieces
and they've got their little babies now
and they're starting their own families
and it's a really exciting time for them all individually,
so yeah, it's just one of them things,
I think is gonna take time.
I would say I'm a solid 10. (laughing)
Don't get me wrong, I'll have days when I might wake up
and something sh*t has happened and I might be a nine,
but genuinely I would say I'm a solid 10.
I personally think that me being a solo artist is better
for my mental health because I am not being compared
to my band mates every single day.
I feel like until you've experienced the trauma
that I've experienced, like, with people 24/7,
like, slating how you look physically,
it puts you in a place where you lose all confidence.
And so to then have to do video shoots
and be around three beautiful girls
who are like half the size of you
and constantly compare yourself to them
whilst having the whole world also compare you,
it was a lot to take on.
So when I'd come to music videos,
when I'd come to photo shoots,
I would constantly compare myself.
I'd be like, "oh God, I don't look as skinny as them
or I don't look as pretty as them
or I don't look how I should look in this outfit,
how they do." And it was a lot of pressure
that I put on myself for 10 years
and now I don't have that. I'm just me
and I'm being able to be myself for the first time ever
and it just, it feels very liberating
and I feel like a massive weight
has been lifted off my shoulders. There's only one me
and I think when we start to realise
our own power
and when we start to realise that,
"God there's one me in the world, there's no other me."
Like, that's amazing.
Like, there's no one in the world like you.
And if we all realise that,
I think we'd all be really bloody confident.
10 years ago, I despised myself,
I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.
I just, yeah, my confidence was the lowest it could ever be.
I've never walked in a studio and been genuinely excited
to try on the clothes, which is how a girl should feel
when they walk into a studio and have a rack of clothes
in front of them and be like, "oh!"
'Cause that's every girl's dream to be able to,
like, try on different clothes and wear whatever they want,
but for me it was like panic and anxiety, just 24/7.
And I remember one of my first experiences of a photo shoot
of being in Little Mix,
I think the stylist had got the wrong size
and it was like a size eight and I'm a size 12,
and so I remember putting on the clothes
and they didn't fit me and I remember thinking,
"oh my God, I'm so fat. I can't fit into the clothes."
And I wasn't aware
that it was because she'd got the wrong size.
So walking into a studio now
genuinely, like, I feel excited.
I feel excited to see what clothes are on the rail,
because I know that they're clothes that I wanna wear,
they're clothes that I feel comfortable in,
they're just me all over.
I did a video shoot the other day and I wore a crop top,
I've never... I would never wear a crop top in a video, ever.
And I had a few little rolls when I was moving,
but I didn't care, like, I didn't look at it and think,
"oh my God, no, I don't-"
like before I would have been like,
"Someone give me a T-shirt, I don't wanna wear a belly top."
Whereas, I just didn't care
and I think that's because I've just genuinely learned
to, like, accept my body and just, you know what I mean?
Like, there's only one me.
1 million percent I was using makeup and hair to, like,
mask who I genuinely was because obviously when I was
on X Factor I got ridiculed, I've got slated for,
like, my face and my weight and how I looked.
And so I did everything I could to not be that girl
that was on X Factor,
I tried to go on ridiculous diets to lose weight,
I tried to... I changed my hair all the time.
I, you know, got lip fillers. I did everything I could
to be what I thought the public wanted me to look like.
And then I realised slowly, like, when I was changing,
which is really sad, like when I did lose weight
and when I, you know, my appearance did start to change
then that's when people started to accept me.
And I was like, "wow, this is really sad."
For, like, the majority of my time in Little Mix
I just used to wear corsets all the time
and I'd make my stylist put me in the most ridiculous things
to make myself skinnier
because I just so badly wanted to look like Jade,
Perrie and Leigh-Anne, I just wanted to be as tiny as them,
so I'd make them put me in these corsets
and for half the time of me working,
I just couldn't breathe.
And I'd genuinely have, like, bruises
because I'd been pulled in so much from this corset
and now, like, now I wear...
I literally live in tracksuits and trainers
the majority of, you know, my time
and I just feel so much more comfortable and confident.
And that's how I know that I'm getting there
with my confidence because I would never have done that,
like, two years ago.
I would say that I'm definitely not at that stage yet.
I'd be like BSing you if I was like,
"oh, I'd happily sit here
with no makeup and no hair extensions."
'Cause for me, like, I'm still in a work in progress
with my confidence, I'm definitely getting there,
1 million percent.
2013, I genuinely, genuinely thought
"I am never, ever going to feel happy again."
Like, I just didn't. Every day I would wake up
and I'd think, "this is how... this is me now,
like, this is how I feel and I can't change that.
There is nothing I can do to pull myself out of this."
And you honestly feel like you're never, ever gonna move
past that and that's what gets you
into that state of thinking, "well, why am I even here?
Like, what is the point?"
But if you can push through that and push past it,
like, you're stronger than you even know.
Like, that's what I've realised about myself, that I...
I feel like I'm gonna get upset, but like,
I can't actually believe how strong I am.
And when I look back at, like, stuff
that I never thought I'd get from, like, I did that,
like, I pushed past that
and there's nothing I feel like I can't do now,
like, I've got through that awful stage of my life.
Like, there's nothing you could put in front of me now
that I feel like I couldn't do.
And I feel really proud of myself.
No one has actually ever come up to me and said
sorry for the things that they've said, but you know what?
I just think, "well, you're just a coward."
And that just explains...
that just says to me who you are as a person.
I just generally felt back then like everyone hated me,
but now, like, when I genuinely think about it,
no one who is genuinely happy in their life
feels the need to go around being negative
towards other people because when you're a happy person,
you just ooze that energy.
One thing that I, personally, feel works for me
is just being around my friends and family
as much as possible and genuinely, like,
taking the time to do the things that I love.
Dancing as well is a big therapy for me.
Me and my sister used to be so close when we were younger,
like, before I was on X Factor.
And then when I got on X Factor,
I feel like my mum and my sister felt like they lost me.
And not long ago, literally it was about three weeks ago,
I was in Antigua and my sister flew out there with me
and we spent the whole time together
and when she left, she really cried
and she went home to my mum and she said,
"It's honestly the best holiday I've had
'cause I felt like I had, like, my little sister back."
My single is gonna be out very soon. And I'm not, I mean,
I may sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet,
but I'm gonna, it's amazing and I'm really proud of it.
And I wrote it when I was going through a breakup.
It's very honest. I feel like it's very ballsy,
it's in your face.
I feel like some people are gonna hate it
or some people are gonna love it, but you know what?
I love that. I would rather it be a love-hate situation
than it be in the middle and be like, " meh, it's all right.
She could've... I feel like she could have pushed it
a bit more."
Yeah. I'm just so proud of it.
And I'm so excited for the world to hear it.
Someone said to me,
"do you think it's because of the way you was brought up?"
Like, obviously my dad wasn't the best role model,
I never had a dad around,
he was always in and out of prison, so were my brothers,
and I don't know
if it's 'cause of the way I've been brought up
or I don't know what it is,
but, like, I've tried nice boys and it just,
it doesn't work out.
They just become my friends and I get really bored.
I had a bad boy and I bloody hated it.
I thought that was what I wanted.
I thought I wanted to be kept on my toes
and then when I had it, it was awful.
Then I thought, "God, I'd love to just go back to someone
who treats me like a princess now."
So I think what I need now is like a mixture of both
and if I could find that,
then I think I'd be on to a winner.
I'm not gonna lie, I love love.
I'll meet someone if I like them, I instantly fall in love.
And then about six months later I realise it wasn't love,
it was just infatuation.
But this time in my thirties,
I just wanna be all about me. I wanna love me.
There was so many times I was in relationships
and I'd wake up and like,
I'd have had an argument with my boyfriend the night before
and then it affects everything the next day
when you go to work and I'd be in the worst mood ever.
Heartbreak is the worst thing you can go through
and right now I ain't got time for that.
I've been brought up by my mum all by herself.
She had four kids and she brought us all up on her own.
And I've never really felt like, you know,
I have to be married, I have to have kids
because I've seen my mum do it all on her own
and she's the best mum in the world.
Like, she's Wonder Woman to me.
I am not a kid person. Like, it's just not in me.
I think as a woman it's either in you or it isn't,
you either have that maternal feeling or you don't
and I've never had that feeling.
Like, I can appreciate that a baby is cute,
but like, I don't get around babies and be like,
"oh, let me hold him or her."
That's just not in me. That's not me at all.
Like, I've got a nephew and he's the cutest thing ever
but after 10 minutes he drives me nuts.
So yeah, there'll be no kids for me.
It's the only thing I think I'm gonna struggle with
finding a man that doesn't want kids.
Maybe I'm gonna have to find a man that's like,
already has a kid and I'll just be a stepmum.
I would like to have a sellout tour,
a sellout Jesy Nelson tour.
I would like to have had a successful album.
I would like to have gone to the Met Gala.
(laughing)
There's quite a few people
that I would love to collaborate with,
one of them being Doja Cat.
I mean, I feel proud of myself now,
like honestly, this is, I feel so proud of myself,
but I'd like to look back and think,
"bloody hell, you did well girl, like, you did it."