- Oh, no, don't get me wrong.
I support Betty in whoever she likes.
There's a lot of people who don't think
Bughead should've happened.
- Oh my God.
It was always supposed to be Betty and Archie.
(laptop slams shut)
- [Computer] Abort. Act natural. Oh my God.
Why did I say that?
This was a Bughead hate crime.
(electronic music plays)
- Hey there, Juliet.
Nurse off duty?
(sultry retro music plays)
♪ Your, oh, oh disposition ♪
♪ Turns cold ♪
- Don't you dare tell me that it's too dangerous, Jug.
The serpent queen is a warrior queen.
So if you're on the front lines so am I.
- Okay.
- If you die, I die.
- Okay.
- It's a long story.
(spoon clanking in mug)
- So,
Jughead.
(Betty's mom sighs)
- What?
- [Betty] Mom.
- Why in God's name do you have this cabaret wig?
- She wears it when she has sex with Jughead.
(man spits up beverage)
- Uh, sorry?
- I.
(sultry retro music continues)
♪ This time ♪
- I may have to punish you.
♪ Nothing can change my mind ♪
- How would you even know that?
- I was guessing.
- Oh my God. I can't handle this.
- In case you haven't noticed, I'm weird.
I'm a weirdo.
I don't fit in.
And I don't wanna fit in.
- What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- What's happening?
- I have no idea.
- I'm not one of your projects.
- To me, it's a bit of a red flag.
- You know, forget Riverdale.
In the coffin of the American dream.
As the godfather of indie cinema
Quentin Tarantino likes to say
- [Computer] Please. No more Quentin Tarantino references.
He's reaching, your honor.
Pleased, stop talking.
Can you complain on Twitter instead?
- Shut the hell up, Jughead.
- Archie, this one's pretty simple.
So even you might be able to get this.
- [Computer] Oh no. Gasp.
He didn't.
- What the hell, Archie!
- [Computer] Please stop.
Why are we yelling?
Let me manifest a better boyfriend.
This is embarrassing for all of us.
- Your head on a stake, all of ours.
- [Jughead] An off board. Think about it.
The hot top rescue.
What was that, if not a quest?
- [Computer] This is this.
We lost him.
I quit.
- What are they?
If not warring tribes, you might as well call us
orcs and goblins.
- Okay. You're not making any sense.
And you're also not listening to anything that I'm saying.
- Betty, this quest that I've been working on,
that we're about to start,
I thought I was finished, but it lacked heart.
It lacked humanity.
- I'm taking your bike.
I'm taking your bike.
- And then she kills him.
- Huh?
- What?
- He's dead.
What did you do, Betty?
(forlorn instrumental music plays)
- Betty, honey.
I know you did it.
- Mom.
- To be honest,
I was expecting something like this.
(mischievous instrumental music plays)
- Where have you been? Jail.
(door crashes open)
♪ Hallelujah. Hallelujah. ♪
♪ Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. ♪
- You think you two can.
- [Computer] Kill off a main character?
- Try it.
- That's because the Gargoyle King
wants Jughead and me to be together.
- Oh yeah?
- We're going to be a ship.
- Oh.
Ethelhead?
In your dreams.
(drag queens laughing)
- Betty,
I don't think Jughead's into you anymore.
We connected when we played the game together,
and things got pretty hot and heavy in the bunker.
- This psycho bitch.
(sultry retro music continues)
♪ This love ♪
♪ Greater than all I've known ♪
- Have you done anything with anyone since we broke up?
- No.
No, of course not.
- [Computer] It's time to leave.
Now, don't be suspicious.
Oscar-worthy performance.
Wow.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
No, I'm not.
I want to be, I thought I could be,
but it's too much too fast.
- Yes. Correct. Betty Cooper.
- Liar.
- Yes. Huge liar. Huge liar.
- So why do you think people are so ready to accept the fact
that Archie and Betty are dating?
- I think there were a lot
of closeted Barchie stands out there
who've been waiting for this moment.
(dramatic instrumental music plays)
- No. Betty.
Not together.
- How do you think I feel?
(dramatic instrumental music continues)
- [Computer] Are you sure you want to delete Bughead?